Yesterday marked 2 days in a row that G didn't nap, which is almost always a bad thing and gets me irritated once he hits his wall of crazy at 4:45 p.m.
But as I was picking up N and driving the kids to the bank at 4:15, I was overcome with absolute rage at mostly G but all the kids. I was grouching at every single thing they said and did, and I just felt utter hatred towards them. It dawned on me that I was probably overreacting, that while I might become frustrated or aggravated by them, I usually don't have the violent urge to bitch slap them, to stop the car, jump out and walk away from them, stranded along the side of the road.
It dawned on me that perhaps I should check my calendar to see what week of the month it is. Upon returning home I did so. This foulest of moods had an explanation.
But as I was picking up N and driving the kids to the bank at 4:15, I was overcome with absolute rage at mostly G but all the kids. I was grouching at every single thing they said and did, and I just felt utter hatred towards them. It dawned on me that I was probably overreacting, that while I might become frustrated or aggravated by them, I usually don't have the violent urge to bitch slap them, to stop the car, jump out and walk away from them, stranded along the side of the road.
It dawned on me that perhaps I should check my calendar to see what week of the month it is. Upon returning home I did so. This foulest of moods had an explanation.
Last night G woke me and continued keeping me up from 4 am until 5:30 or so. The first time he got up he said he wanted to play with his new toys, and then he had a coughing fit, and then he wanted to eat. He was up for good at 6:00 a.m.
SO, today hasn't been the greatest day for me mood-wise. (Plus, I am still battling my own upper respiratory funkiness that keeps me clearing my throat and coughing almost constantly.)
As much as I despise my once-a-month moodiness (which isn't even every month; sometimes the month flies by without so much as a mood blip), it reminds me of a couple things,
It reminds me just how horrible mood disorders are because if you are suffering in the thick of one you completely lose perspective of what is real and what is not. It's like being stuck in a dream in Inception without the kick that pulls you back to who you really are at the core.
Last night and most of today I felt like I couldn't control the deep anger rattling at my cage, the sense that my life is complete shit. And I know full well that I am very much contented most of the time. Feeling like you are "this close" to losing that grip on yourself, on your anger, on your ability to control your feelings and thoughts, is scary, even if like me, it's been 7 years since my breakdown and I am on medication and under the care of a psychiatrist. Once you've been through it once, I think you never lose the fear that you will some day feel that horrible again.
It reminds me that, in this month of giving thanks, I am so, so, so glad I live in a time of medication and therapy and support groups and open communication about mental illness and mood disorders. I don't like to think what I would be like, especially when it comes to my children, if I wasn't on medication. My Lexapro helps me keep the beast of anxiety (and extreme menstrual moodiness) at bay.
It reminds me that I am human, and while I don't like the idea of my kids seeing me at my shittiest, they also need to know that even though I am their momma and they feel the right to demand anything they want of me (as all children do of their parents), there are times when it is in their best interest to not be willfully aggravating. To just do as I ask.
It reminds me that my moods can be upsetting to the kids since I am usually not a raving harpy, and that I need to explain to them that yes, they might be aggravating me but my hormones and brain issues sometimes make it so I'm not as well equipped to handle the aggravations.
At some point this afternoon, I felt as if a switch had been turned off, and I was somewhat back to normal. Still grossly sleep-deprived (from last night as well as the years of being the only person to get up with the kids), but not a wild bull, not cringing in rage at every little noise my children made, not thinking that every aspect of my life was horrible.
I hope that is the extent of its course this time around.
SO, today hasn't been the greatest day for me mood-wise. (Plus, I am still battling my own upper respiratory funkiness that keeps me clearing my throat and coughing almost constantly.)
As much as I despise my once-a-month moodiness (which isn't even every month; sometimes the month flies by without so much as a mood blip), it reminds me of a couple things,
It reminds me just how horrible mood disorders are because if you are suffering in the thick of one you completely lose perspective of what is real and what is not. It's like being stuck in a dream in Inception without the kick that pulls you back to who you really are at the core.
Last night and most of today I felt like I couldn't control the deep anger rattling at my cage, the sense that my life is complete shit. And I know full well that I am very much contented most of the time. Feeling like you are "this close" to losing that grip on yourself, on your anger, on your ability to control your feelings and thoughts, is scary, even if like me, it's been 7 years since my breakdown and I am on medication and under the care of a psychiatrist. Once you've been through it once, I think you never lose the fear that you will some day feel that horrible again.
It reminds me that, in this month of giving thanks, I am so, so, so glad I live in a time of medication and therapy and support groups and open communication about mental illness and mood disorders. I don't like to think what I would be like, especially when it comes to my children, if I wasn't on medication. My Lexapro helps me keep the beast of anxiety (and extreme menstrual moodiness) at bay.
It reminds me that I am human, and while I don't like the idea of my kids seeing me at my shittiest, they also need to know that even though I am their momma and they feel the right to demand anything they want of me (as all children do of their parents), there are times when it is in their best interest to not be willfully aggravating. To just do as I ask.
It reminds me that my moods can be upsetting to the kids since I am usually not a raving harpy, and that I need to explain to them that yes, they might be aggravating me but my hormones and brain issues sometimes make it so I'm not as well equipped to handle the aggravations.
At some point this afternoon, I felt as if a switch had been turned off, and I was somewhat back to normal. Still grossly sleep-deprived (from last night as well as the years of being the only person to get up with the kids), but not a wild bull, not cringing in rage at every little noise my children made, not thinking that every aspect of my life was horrible.
I hope that is the extent of its course this time around.
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