What does success mean?

N and I did her first of several college visits the other day, and it has made me think all kinds of things. 

She said something on the order of, "I don't want to be an adult," and I responded with something like, "I don't want to be an adult helping you become an adult." 

Mostly I meant paying for college, but I also mean just having to vicariously go through the ORDEAL.

Obviously, I love my kid and will support her, but MAN, there is so much angst and stress and ugh. And that rubs off on me and sends me down a rabbit hole of thinking. 

I'm ever closer to having to change my blog subtitle to "cognitive-behavioral therapy for a 50-something mother of three," but I still don't know "what I want to do with my life." 

I work part-time and don't make much money and that is by choice. 

Am I a success? 

Not by "the world's" standard. 

I'm not famous or wealthy. I don't hobnob with important people. I don't make decisions that have huge impact. I don't set policy. I won't be listed in history books. One hundred years from now there will be no one who knows I existed. 

One hundred years from now even most of the famous, wealthy, hobnobbing, decision-making people won't be remembered. 

When I was thinking about modern music (sometime after my daughter's boyfriend turned me on to this jewel of ridiculousness), it dawned on me that people say things about Michael Jackson or Elvis Presley or Frank Sinatra being the "greatest." And I'm like, "WHAT ABOUT THE MUSIC THAT PEOPLE MADE SOME 3,000 YEARS AGO?" How do we modern humans know that THAT music wasn't the greatest of all time?

Seventh grade social studies curriculum covers a wide swath of time, and I sometimes wonder about the short shrift that some of these civilizations get (if they get mentioned at all). 

My ultimate point is that one individual life doesn't matter much, and yet the paradox is that one individual life matters a ton. 

I've read and taught The Great Gatsby enough times to feel pretty sure that anyone with an ounce of sense should reconsider whatever they think "The American Dream" is. 

Even if you don't buy into the world's standard of success, it is a weight that hangs around your neck all the time. It is a voice that reminds you that maybe you aren't doing what you should be doing. Maybe you're not achieving the dream that someone other than you set for you? 

It takes making a conscious effort every day to redefine success in a way that makes sense to you.

Today, I subbed with a class of first graders. When they had library, the librarian read them this book, and they repeated the words after her. 

At the end of the day, I showed the kids a video of Louis Armstrong in 1967 singing the song. They were mesmerized. And I taught them a new "oat" word--moat--which one of the boys drew at the end of the day and showed me. 

I felt like a pretty damn successful substitute teacher today. 

I've spent years putting most of my attention and energy into my children. That has earned me zero pay and mostly intense headaches (and maybe at times a short-lived penchant for too much wine). Success, if there is such a thing in parenting, will come years and years from now. 

Maybe success is putting all your energy into something you believe in?

Maybe success is devoting attention to something you truly love doing?

Maybe success is dabbling in lots of things and becoming adept in different areas?

Maybe success is having integrity and being the type of person that people know they can trust?

Maybe success is as unique as each individual person who has ever graced this earth?

My summary of my semester (and yes, I'm turning it in this way, shade and all)

I became a teacher in 2000, earning my MAT at B-----,
and have kept it valid for the past 18 years, which
has required me to take numerous graduate classes.
Although I have not taught full-time since 2004, I work as 
a substitute teacher for --- and have taught at E--- C----
C--- S---- since 2012. I also work as a freelance writer
and have been regularly published for the past eight years.

All of these experiences, combined, give me a number of
strengths as a high school English teacher. While I haven’t
been officially trained as an AP College Board teacher,
I modeled my E----- high school class on the AP
Literature and Composition class, creating lesson
plans that challenge and interest students. As a
professional writer, I know what good writing
is and the questions to ask to get students to produce
their best writing. As a substitute teacher,
I have learned how to quickly assess a room for student
needs and behaviors, as well as how
to de-escalate a situation.

However, not being in the classroom has also led to
some deficiencies in my abilities. Not networking with
other teachers or doing professional development beyond
graduate class has kept me from specific techniques that
have come down the pike over the years (such as
RACE (Restate, Answer, Cite, and Explain) and
FANBOYS/AAAWWUBBIS. Because I only see my cottage school
students on Fridays, and they do the assignments at home,
it has gotten  me out of the habit of thinking about the specific minute steps of teaching writing. 

Since I am not intending to return full-time to teaching
within the next couple years, I will continue to do what
I have done in the past--research things on my own and pick
up assignments/ideas when I substitute teach. I also pick
up ideas when I tutor students. I recently “stole” a neat
independent reading assignment from a teacher at N---
(I tutor an 8th grader in English). I have modified this
assignment for my high school cottage students to use
when we read Kafka’s The Metamorphosis. A smart teacher
recognizes good ideas when she sees them and knows that
you don’t have to recreate the wheel all the time.

I am both excited and nervous about the long-term sub
job I will do at E---- in a few weeks because it is Language
and Composition, and this is not my strong suit
(due to lack of experience teaching it). I am taking
active steps to get myself up to speed, such as reading
5 Steps to a 5 and reviewing logical fallacies and lessons
on rhetorical analysis writing. For me, this is not just
a sub job but an opportunity to get out of my “comfort zone”
of teaching AP Literature and Composition-type coursework
with my cottage school students.

In terms of what elements in schools and about students need
to change, that is a hard question to answer. Cell phones in high schools are a constant battle for teachers, as is a
feeling of ennui among students, a sense of school being
a bore and a chore. I don’t know if this is because of
standardized testing or because of the constant addition
of “new” assessments(like the BoS) without a lessening
of everything else that students have to do. I think we ask
a lot of students without remembering that if education
isn’t enjoyable, it’s not going to stick anyway.

To be completely honest, I didn’t learn very much from
this experience of observing 90 hours. Working with high
school students is not the hands-on “helping” that is
working with elementary or even middle school students.
I basically sat and watched lessons being taught  over and over and over, and it was boring. Sure, I picked up a
couple tips or tricks, like learning about Rubistar or
Wheeldecide, but I don’t know that these snippets justify
90 hours of my time. Perhaps if I didn’t have teaching
experience both in ___ and for the past six years with high
 schoolers at the cottage school and hadn’t gone
through --- and wasn’t in schools as a substitute,
I would have found this experience to be new and engaging.

I think what these 90 hours made me realize is that even
though I’m not in the classroom fulltime, that doesn’t mean I
can’t be a masterful teacher or a masterful substitute.
I am ableto establish a rapport with students, which is
what good teachers do. I do have a pretty solid
knowledge base and am willing/able to do whatever
research/work is necessary to bring that knowledge to students.
I am very organized and “on-top” of things, which is evidenced
by the  fact that I’m completing the work for EDUG 613
before November 1, when I have another month

to complete it.

A masterful teacher is always striving to be better, and
I think I do that as well, recognizing that I don’t know it all.
However, if I’m going to put effort into learning, I’d like
it to benefit me and feel like a real learning experience,
rather than busy work. I’m afraid a good portion of
this class has felt like busy work. It has been a good
reminder of what I don’t want my students
to experience.

Serious, sensitive, uptight, and sometimes funny.

I have been knee-deep the last 4 weeks in subbing and doing observations for the grad class I'm taking.

I cannot wait until this class is over. I'm nearly halfway through my 90 hours.

Even though I have until December to get done, my goal is to be wrapped up by the second week of November. (If everything goes as I hope, I'll be done by the end of October.)

I'm hoping to sub for an English teacher at N's school after Thanksgiving and through Christmas break.

Normally, because of my cottage school Fridays, I am unable to take long-term sub jobs, but I'll be on break from the cottage school then, and I think it would be a good experience for me.

If there is anything that observing is doing for me it is helping me remember what kind of teacher I am.

I have a theory about what makes a great teacher: it is a special deep-roasted blend of personality, knowledge, and organization.
To be great, all 3 have to be present.
A good teacher has to have two of these traits.
If I have to choose which one is missing, it is organization. Better to be a bit scatter-brained than lacking in basic knowledge of the content or have the personality of a parched hat.
A meh teacher has one-and-a-half traits.
Just one trait and..... well, we've all had a one-trait teacher.

I try not to talk too often about the grad class because it is a bit of nonsense that just makes me clench my teeth.
I've been observed two times by my college instructor and he has given me "tips" like, try the Jigsaw method of teaching.
That in itself is not a bad tip, but the reason I don't try the Jigsaw method is because THIS IS NOT MY FREAKING CLASSROOM, AND THIS TEACHER DOES HER ROOM AND STRUCTURE A CERTAIN WAY, WHICH I FEEL UNCOMFORTABLE MUCKING WITH FOR TWO LESSONS, AND IT IS PLUM WEIRD FOR ME TO COME IN AND DO ALL SORTS OF CONTRIVED GYMNASTICS JUST TO SHOW OFF FOR A COLLEGE CLASS.

(unclenches teeth)
(takes deep breath)

When I did this song and dance nearly two decades ago, I was the dumb "untried" teacher, like the "untried" parent I was before I had kids.
I knew SO MUCH!
I had all sorts of thoughts about what I would do when x, y, and z happened. I wouldn't do this, and I wouldn't do that.
Now, after having experience as a teacher, a sub (and in parenting), I've eaten enough crow to know that I should leave off the criticism and just do my thing.
I'm wise enough to know that I would do things differently not because I know more or am better or someone else is worse but because I am me, and I listen to my own drummer, and I have to follow that tune.

I do not pretend to know everything about everything related to English teaching.
I most certainly do not know everything.
But what I do know about myself is that, considering I haven't had a lick of professional development in 14 years, I know some things about how to make a lesson engaging.
I'm not loosey-goosey and go with the flow.
I'm uptight and mostly serious, but with a funny streak when I feel like it.
But I'm mostly uptight and sensitive and serious.

Which makes me take this grad class way more seriously than I probably should.
And push myself way harder than I probably should.
Countdown to done starts soon.
And my teeth will thank me.

Here we go again: A graduate class to make me feel all unequipped

A year ago I did this to myself, and now I'm doing it again, all in the name of being "smart" and putting coursework to good use and giving myself "options" whenever I do go back to teaching full-time.

I will be observing/working with students at two high schools this fall.
Fortunately, I don't have to take a class at the college or read a textbook.
It is basically some reflections and 5 lesson plans (being observed teaching 2 of them).
Totally doable.
And the class is pass/fail, so in order to fail, I think I'd basically have to do nothing and/or kill a child.

I met with one of my supervising teachers the other day, and I'm trying to fight that feeling I get of 'I'm not worthy."
Like just because I haven't taught full-time means I know nothing and have no "real" value as an educator.
The two teachers I'll be with have eight years and 10 years of classroom experience, respectively.
I don't know how this compares, but I think my 3 years of full-time teaching + 6 years of part-time teaching/developing curriculum + 2 years of subbing = something.
And I've got the 8 years of freelance writing on top of it, which hopefully will be of some value since one of the teachers has a journalism class.

Maybe this is terrible of me, but I basically told the teacher, I'll teach anything but I'm jumping through hoops for this course.
I'm only creating lesson plans for what I absolutely have to for the class, which may be a shitty attitude, but it's not like this class is my only thing.
I'm not gunning for an A, I'm gunning for a "pass."

Plus, I think it is just weird to walk into someone else's classroom and be told by the college that you have to come up with lessons that somehow jive with what another person has already planned. It just seems odd (and stupid) to "recreate the wheel" when the wheel has already been created.

That is logistically difficult for both people, so I'd rather not do that any more than I absolutely have to.
It is her classroom, and I'm just a guest.

Anyway, I'll get through it, and I'll complain, and I'll likely have my sense of self-worth shattered because I'm not a full-time"real" teacher, and I'll have to build myself back up again.
But when it's over, I'll have that little add-on to my teaching certificate.
Whoop-dee-do.

It's important to have a positive attitude in these circumstances.

Trying not to be a complete b*tch in class

My poor college professor.

I really feel for her having to manage my "chip-on-my-shoulder for not being a traditional school district teacher self" in class.

I know she recognizes the psychological self-imposed "drama" of me already having a MAT, having gone through the state internship program, having classroom experience under my belt, and taking a class with people who do not. She knows I feel a bit like an 8th grader in a class of 4th grade students.

On the positive side, I am certainly learning a lot as a result of the text: The English Teacher's Companion by Jim Burke.

I ran headfirst into my weakness as a teacher, which is that I suck at grammar. I can write well, but don't ask me to define an appositive, an adverbial clause, or to succinctly explain when and why to use a colon over a semicolon.

My professor gave us a list of grammar terms and asked us to rank them in terms of how well we understood them. I gave a "1" for everything, which basically means I've heard this term but could not explain it to you or anyone else. 

And I felt compelled (because I cannot shut my big mouth) to say out loud that while I do understand the importance of "doing grammar," I do not necessarily agree with the importance of expecting students to be able to explicitly name an adverbial clause or a gerund.

A classmate (who happens to also be middle-aged and has a freelance background) responded to me that I (actually, she said "you," but I don't know if she meant "you as in me" or "you as in the general you")  will never be a great writer without understanding the rules of grammar. I understood her comment, but I'm not sure I agree (and I think I also might be a little insulted that she suggested I could never be a great writer, even though I know this is true).

I'm not sure I believe that Hemingway or Steinbeck or Bronte or Austen or Garcia Marquez or Roth wrote or writes from a place of analyzing whether this gerund clause works better than this other gerund phrase in those direct, explicit, scientific and clinical terms. Maybe they do?  Who knows?

I think that to be a great editor, a person probably needs to know the rules of grammar really well. And I realize now, as the editor of my students, that I am lacking in that department. Although, I think there are probably a lot of editors who can't recite all the rules of grammar.

Maybe this is why I've never aspired to write the Great American Novel?
But I don't think so.
I think it is because I have nothing of fictional merit to say....
I think it is because I have no great imaginative spirit that drives me to write in that way....
I think it is because I don't want to put the time into writing like that....
I don't think it is because I couldn't define a compound complex sentence if I tried.

Maybe the stick up my butt is because I subbed 3 days this week with a class of MMD students and worked with them on writing narratives? Maybe it is because even if I explained to these kids what is a subject and a predicate and called them by their official grammatical names, these kids cannot write a sentence better than what my 2nd grader can?

Maybe it is because I only see my students at the cottage school one day a week and think the value of having a class discussion about a text and analyzing it together is WAY more critical than spending that 65 minutes discussing how to write a sentence with an appositive in it and specifically bashing them over the head that it is an appositive.

I suspect I may have come across as a bit of an asshole, but I fully recognize that this was in large part because I recognized in myself my glaring weakness as a teacher: the grammar thing. I have never been able to understand the grammar thing, although I certainly understand it better now as an adult than I ever did as a kid. I could not diagram a sentence to save my life as a kid.  As an adult, I can do it just slightly better than "meh."

And I guess a part of me is also going off the chain right now because what follows are the instructions to the class for next week's homework:

Read Chapter 8. Type 3 text-dependent questions about grading that you encountered in the reading and include page number. 

As a writer and a teacher AND A STUDENT AT THE MOMENT, I am confused by this question. What is she asking exactly?  Is she asking me to type 3 questions I had in my head about grading as I was reading or is she asking me to type 3 questions that the author asked about grading that I "encountered" as I read and, thereafter, reflected upon. Is she asking me to type his questions or my reflections??? Or both?

That "encountered" is a tricky word, I think. When I think of encountering something, I think of meeting it in a dark alley. It brings itself forward to me, which suggests it would be a question someone else asked that I met in a dark alley....or in this chapter. I mean I even looked up the stinking definition of the word "encounter" to try to figure it out.

So I emailed her and asked.

Sometimes it is hard not to be an asshole, and I try to remember that when I think about students who sometimes are asked to do things that just seem so confusing or tedious.

Getting my head back on straight

I am finally getting my head back on straight from this graduate class, and I am feeling a renewed sense of "I do NOT suck."

I suspect I will always have a chip on my shoulder, a feeling of "I am not a real teacher because I haven't taught full-time in x many years," until or unless I do teach again full-time.

But what I have begun to realize for myself is that I have a tremendous amount to offer students because I haven't been in the classroom full-time for 13 years.

I have done a lot in those 13 years, including being a professional writer. It matters a great deal, I think, that I have real-life experience in interviewing, listening, writing, editing, and networking with people outside of the school world. For the most recent article I submitted, I interviewed some local "big-shots" in the community, one of whom told me I'm a fun interviewer.

I'm not the type of person to be awestruck (I don't care who you are or what amazing things you've done, you have had an occasion when you've had poop streaks in your underpants), but I admit that it made me feel pretty good to have someone who has created a millions-of-dollars enterprise offer that compliment.

I have taught for the past 5 years in a setting that has given me a tremendous amount of freedom. I have created my own plans from scratch, and I have taught very difficult texts to students. I do it well, and I know it.

I have taken close to 20 additional hours of graduate class beyond my master's degree in literacy and instruction.

And I substitute teach, which is trial by fire if there ever was such a thing.

I will still be tremendously glad when this class is over, but my attitude and self-esteem have improved.

I jinxed myself (in fetal position, overwhelmed with doubt)

Sigh.

The highs and the lows. I sometimes (thankfully) forget just how subject to them I am.

Wednesday of last week was high. I spoke to two composition classes at my college alma mater about my experience as a blogger and how it has impacted my professional life freelancing. In addition to seeing and helping out one of my friends from undergrad (who is now the professor of these classes), one student came up to me after my presentation and told me how much better my talk made her feel about her own generalized anxiety disorder and being on medication.

Yippee!
Huzzah!
Woohoo!

As the tide rolls in.....so it rolls out.

Thursday was horrible.

I should have felt high, especially since a sweet friend texted me her son's poem about my class at the cottage school, which was delightful.

But on Thursday I felt completely ill-equipped as a professional.
I felt like I don't know what I'm doing.
I felt plagued by doubt as to whether I'm an effective teacher according to the people in the "know."

Taking this graduate class, even though I was told on Wednesday that I've actually "technically" taken this class before but need to do it again since the first go-round was like 20 years ago, is bringing forth all sorts of doubt in me. Even though my directors at the cottage school are thrilled with what I bring and how I teach. Even though my students actively and vocally enjoy my class and feel they are rigorously learning.

Graduate classes set the bar super high, and I understand why. Who doesn't want only the best, most organized, most committed people in classrooms?  I'm a person who is highly susceptible to trying to meet unattainable and unsustainable goals, even if it makes me half crazy to try to do it.

Added to this was my experience subbing at a middle school on Tuesday and feeling like a failure since I called the student response team twice (which I strive to never have to do, even though this may be a completely stupid and unreasonable goal I set for myself). The kids were on like day 3 or 4 of nonconsecutive subs doing busy work, and that is a shit situation for a sub to have to attempt to mop up. Three or four days of busy work for a middle schooler might as well be a freaking lifetime.

By last night I was feeling better. It helped when I got a text from the mom of two girls I taught at the cottage school. I taught the younger daughter English all four years of high school; she is now at the local university.  The text said:

We are discussing college English class. 

Ms. V's class is more challenging!  

We love you! Thank you!

Today, I have completed my grad class homework and had a first day back at the cottage school, and I feel like I don't suck. For today, I don't suck. Tomorrow I might feel differently.....

Blog and university

A college friend of mine who teaches at a local university asked me if I would speak to her classes about blogging and share my experience as someone who is a "professional" writer (my quotes, not hers).

I realize that I get paid for writing, but in my own head, I think I'd have to make an actual sustainable living from writing to consider myself a professional. Of course, I suspect that many, many writers who get paid for their work do not rely on that as their sole breadwinning activity.

Anyway.....

Her students will have a long-term blogging assignment and must consider the following essential questions:
1. How does writing act as a way of knowing?
2. How can I use digital technologies to reach an authentic audience?
3. What do I have to contribute to the conversation?

It is interesting for me to think about these essential questions in light of my own blog, which is in its 11th year of existence.

My purpose in writing has changed over the years to some extent.

My mood disorder is way better managed now than it was then. Time and age have mellowed me a bit. Children have mellowed me a bit.

My blog remains a place where I come to work through my life and doing it publicly forces me to be analytical instead of going off the rails emotionally, which is what I did in my handwritten journaling for years and years. Having an audience forces me to deeply explore my feelings through the lenses of the intellect and fact and rationality.

There has been a movement toward advocacy in this blog for the people who do read it. In sharing my mood disorder, G's mood disorder, and my own parenting challenges, I have been told I have helped others manage their own issues or, at the very least, feel less alone.

Blogging has helped me know more about myself, both positive and negative. It has helped me find more balance between emotion and intellect. Finally, it has allowed me to know others who have reached out to me with questions or comments after reading the blog.

Oh, another thing blogging has done is force me to do research to support whatever belief or feeling I have. Even if it is just a Shakespearean quote from a play to tie into something I'm experiencing, because it is public I want it to be as accurate as possible.

I never really considered this blogging thing a means of reaching an authentic audience, but I guess it is. It is as valid a writing piece as a letter to the editor of a newspaper or a feature article or any of the other pieces of writing I have done (or taught students to do).

I'm very excited to speak to the college students, sharing what I know and probably more importantly, learning from them. That experience is one way in which my blog is helping me contribute to the conversation of writing, purpose, and authenticity.

Now what?

This afternoon I turned in my final assignments for my graduate class. My two courses are finito, so all I need to do is get a transcript, mail them to the teaching standards board and pay my $50. My certification should be good for another 5 years.

Of course, now this leaves me with time to fill. And I am so not good with filling time. I never have been. I like to be out doing, seeing, being around people, so the "free time" I have in the middle of the day while G is napping is much-needed, but it also makes me a little antsy. Like what do I do?

I am not a tv-watcher. I tried to watch a little bit of Across the Universe streamed from Netflix and got bored 30 minutes in. And I only like to read books in bed at night.

I do have all sorts of projects I need to start and finish before October rolls around. Like getting some pictures in scrapbooks, cleaning my dining room, making a photo thing on canvas of G (as I did of N when she was his age).

But the rub is that while I dislike tv and get antsy if I just sit around and do nothing, I don't really have the desire or energy to tackle any of these little projects. I will get them done if for no other reason than that I have written them down in my day-planner, and my OCD will simply not allow them to sit there undone until the ends of time. They must eventually be marked out.

I know I need to indulge myself in this time because in 8 weeks I won't have free time anymore. I will back in the newborn saddle again. But it does make me start to think what I will do with myself when all of my kids are in school full-time.

Life is just chock full of little stupid dilemmas.

Drama queen or anxiety sufferer?

Or both.

I am not dead yet from this online class, but I admit to having some physical symptoms of anxiety this past Tuesday night, when the class "preview" opened up---heavy chest feeling, heart palpitations, sleep problems, and obsessing. But it was short-lived.
Technically, the class doesn't even begin until this coming Tuesday, the 20th, but had I waited until then to check things out I would be in need of Klonopin, BuSpar, Xanax, and Ativan, if not all of the above.

There is ALOT of reading in the class, and I have found it a little difficult to read all of the instructions online. Whereas in a "real" class I would be handed a syllabus and sent on my merry way, I have had to scroll through endless online pages. There are 11 modules to the class, and each module comes with readings, activities and checklists. I have completed Module I and am about halfway through with Module II. A worried freak-a-zoid I am. A procrastinator I am not.

When I was a "real" student, I always got first week jitters....seizures....whatever. And within a couple weeks, once I got into a groove and got a handle on what I had to do and when and found my pacing, I was fine. Once upon a time, fine meant I MUST GET AN A. Now fine means, I just want to pass this thing so I can get my certificate renewed. I would have enjoyed my education so much more if I hadn't been so wrapped up in grades, which mean so much less than nada in the big scheme of things that it makes me throw up a little in my mouth.

So now that I've got my head screwed on a little better, I think I will not actually crawl into a hole and slowly wither away for the next 11 weeks.

I will bitch here on my blog for all the world to read! Hurray for blogs.