When I was a "good" mom

Today, while G and M were napping, I got out the videos of N when she was a baby through age 2 so she could watch what we call "The N Show." I dozed on the sick bed.

But before I zonked out, I watched some of the snippets of these videos and realized what an outstanding parent one can be of a single child. I was so attentive, so attuned to her needs. So playful, so involved.

At just a little over G's age, she could sing the alphabet song completely by herself (without prompting) and count to 10. And at 2.5 years, she could sing William Butler Yeats' poem, Wandering Aengus, along with me. I had forgotten how whip-smart she was due, I'm sure, to undivided mommy attention.

And then there is G, who I think is a pretty smart little boy but in comparison to his sister at the same age is like Rain Man. I don't even want to consider what M will be like.

I could mope about this but there is nothing to be done about it. And I keep telling myself that G and M will benefit from the influence of siblings. I'm not sure how at this point, other than learning how to do irritating things that drive mommy bonkers.

What now?

Just when I think, "Hey, things are calming down," things starts to get chaotic again. And I hate chaos.

My incision has healed.

Breastfeeding (knock wood) seems to be slowly improving.

I have been able to get out with the boys by myself without too much trouble.

And then the kids, all 3, get sick. Dammit!

It is just a little upper respiratory thing. N has her usual fever. G is fever-free but utterly full of snot. And now little M is running a low-grade fever.

Did I say Dammit! already?

Love her to death....but

I find that I spend a lot more time than I like fussing at N. Sometimes she gives me this look, a look that says to me, "Mom, do you not like me?, and even the possibility of her thinking that makes me heart ache.

I know why it seems like I fuss at her often.

Part of it is because of the age difference between her and G. With G, he is small enough I can just grab him and make him put on his shoes or haul his ass into the car. N is too big for that. There is very little I can forcibly make her do anymore, so I have to ask her, and ask her, and fucking ask her again to get her shoes on and get in the car. I feel like a nag because I am a nag because she is 5 and putzes around like the dickens. I suspect this is just a 5-year-old thing.....the putzing, that is.

Another thing is that if she does something I don't want her doing, G picks up on it in 2 seconds and starts doing it too. It is bad enough having one child do something you don't particularly want him/her doing, but when it becomes a group effort, it can make your head pop off in frustration. But again, she is 5, so she doesn't understand how much G looks up to her and mimics her whether she is doing something great or something problematic.

Finally, and maybe I am simply expecting too much, I fuss at her because I can't help but think that maybe, possibly, she should remember a couple behavior basics at this stage of her life. Like, wash your hands before touching M. I have hand sanitizer next to me at all times. I make everyone use it before they handle him. I have sloughed off at least 13 layers of epidermis in the last month as a result of washing my hands so much. But apparently all of this goes unnoticed by N because she will hack a lung into her hand and then proceed to touch M's face. I hate to fuss at her when she is being sweet and loving on her brother, but the germ transfer just kills me.

She stayed the night last night with my mom and dad and returned home mid-afternoon today. And I hate to say this, but by dinnertime, she was driving me bonkers. Rather than sitting down while I'm microwaving our food, as I ask her to, she hangs around my legs like a cat looking for some tuna. And then after I've read three books to her at bedtime and gotten her settled under the sheets, she decides at that moment that her finger hurts and she needs a bandaid. Mind you, there is no cut, no bleeding. And the bandaids she wants are downstairs. So I make her go get them. And even though I hold my tongue and don't say anything, I suspect she can see the frustration in my eyes.

She doesn't know that the frustration is only partly because of the bandaid. The frustration also stems from my tiredness from nursing all day and waking during the night for more nursing, the fact that G has been sickly all day, which is always stressful for me.

It is for this reason that I am so glad she goes to kindergarten. Because the guilt would suffocate me if I was with her all day, every day. I know my fussing would be even more pronounced than it is now.

Major accomplishment

Today I think I finished my Christmas shopping for my kids, nephews and nieces. It is a red letter day, for sure. Did I mention I did this and M will be just a month old tomorrow????

I have gone from thinking I wouldn't be able to leave the house for months to knocking out holiday shopping 7 weeks early.

My mom came over, and we went to Babies R Us and Toys R Us with all 3 kids. This was sort of pointless because neither of us was really able to look at anything. I spent most of the time walking around and nursing M at the same time, at one point even trying to push the double stroller as I was walking and suckling. Mom spent her time shepherding N and G.

However, I was able to walk through enough aisles with N that I got some ideas for the kids.

For lunch, we met my brother who gave me more ideas for my nephews.

After mom, the kids and I returned home, and I got G down for his nap, I ventured out to Target where I proceeded to grab up a bunch of stuff and get 'er done.

Now a little tiny part of me thinks I should have browsed more, put a little more time and thought into what I was getting for the kids. The larger part of me thinks that since all the kids I'm shopping for are ages 5 and under, they don't really give a shit how much effort I put into shopping. They just like toys. End of discussion.

I will have to purchase gift cards for N's teachers, bus driver and Girl Scout troop leader. And then there are the grandparents. But the bulk of my holiday shopping is done.

I'm gonna stuff the "stuff" somewhere and not look back. Not second guess. Not feel like I have to make everyone's, especially my children's Christmas, the be-all and end-all Christmas.

It feels good to my conscience and pocketbook to be cutting back this year.

NaBloPoMo

I just now finished writing a post I began on Nov 1st, which made me realize I may, in fact, be able to participate in NaBloPoMo--Ramalamadingdong (as my friend G likes to call it) since I've written every day thus far in November.

Yes, we're only 5 days in.

Yes, I still have 3 children to care for, one of whom sleeps little and suckles much.

So if I don't do it, who cares.

But this is today's post. In case I do do it.

Things I love and for which I'm thankful

In the spirit of Thanksgiving, I thought I'd begin a little ditty about some of the little things I love in my life:

1. I love it that N selects her own clothes and none of them ever match each other. She is like a mini Mrs. Roper from Three's Company. Today she went to school in a blue and green horizontal striped top, a hot pink skirt, navy blue leggings with red and white flowers on them, and lilac tennis shoes. Her clothing choices are zany, and that is one of the things I adore about her. She simply doesn't care....

2. I love it that G loves going to Target. Last night on the way to dinner at Papaw's, we passed our local Target. G said, "Go Ta-yet?" I replied, "No, we're going to Papaw's. Maybe we'll go to Target tomorrow." G said, "Peeeese??" and then followed up with, "See toys?"

3. I love it that M's cheeks are getting chubby because I know I'm making enough milk for him. And babies with chubby cheeks are just really cute.

4. I love it that I am rediscovering some favorite musicians as a result of watching the used kids' movie DVDs I recently purchased from Amazon. Over the Hedge has reminded me how much I like Ben Folds, so this weekend D must upload a couple of his albums onto my iPod.

5. I love the modern version of The Electric Company on PBS. Pete Wentz and Jimmy Fallon have made appearances. So the show helps N learn words and letter sounds and keeps me entertained as well. Nothing better.

6. I love it that my cousin is coming to help clean my house for 4 months. It is a win-win. My house gets cleaned. And she makes some money tax-free. Plus, N and G get to visit with B, and they adore her.

7. I love Ellen DeGeneres' hairstyle.

Ok, that last one doesn't count. I'm getting distracted by afternoon tv.

Showin' my ass

When I was still teaching, I worked with an awesome math teacher, S. Now she and I couldn't have been more different. She was a tall, solid, crazy funny Black woman who wouldn't take shit off anybody and had the ability to get her students wound up and still be able to calm them down with very little problem. I was....well....me. But I learned so much about interacting with students in an urban school setting from working with her.

I recall a conversation she relayed to me once in which she told a student that this student was, "Showin' her ass." That is, showing her worst possible side.

And just this morning, when a friend emailed me to ask whether I'm really as miserable as I seem, I realized that my blog is all about me showing my ass.

Because I am not totally miserable or always miserable. I spend probably 90% of my days not being miserable. But that 10% is what I write about, and that 10% has the ability to bring me way down. That 10% has the ability to unsettle whatever anxieties I've worked to ease over the course of the day.

My incision seems to be healing up alright, although I am going to withhold judgment until I see the nurse practitioner tomorrow. I have been getting out with the boys.....we even went to playgroup yesterday. I am getting fairly consistent 3-hour windows of sleep at night (so in bed at 11 pm, up and nursing at 2 am, back down to sleep at 3 am, and then up again around 6:30 am). I have been able to keep up with laundry and even changed the sheets on the kids' beds yesterday.

But inevitably there are the suck-ass times. Like when M wants to nurse and N and G are belly-aching for food and D is in a late meeting at work (that was last night). Or when my nips are especially sensitive, and my toes are curling from the discomfort of Mr. Barracuda clamping down. Or when M doesn't want to go back to sleep after his 2 am nursing.

And I write mostly about the suck-ass times. I don't need to vent about when things are running smoothly. Plus, I am nothing if not a fan of hyperbole, so my venting is usually ramped up purely for the sake of my own penchant for exaggeration.