Thoughts on depression....a continuation of a friend's FB note

A friend of mine shared his thoughts for the day on depression and asked that others write their own. So here goes.....

I technically have never been diagnosed with depression. I am clinically diagnosed with Obsessive Compulsive Disorder and Generalized Anxiety Disorder, but when I had my breakdown (or breakthrough as I like to think of it), I was suffering from a number of symptoms of depression----feelings of guilt and helplessness, feelings of hopelessness, inability to eat, insomnia, persistent sad feelings.

To some extent, none of these symptoms were really new. I had battled anxiety and sadness for many, many years, but they would subside eventually. The grunge period of the 1990s was especially well-timed because I looked as miserable as I mostly felt in my flannel shirts and torn jeans, listening to Eddie Vedder and Kurt Cobain wail and holler. I was able to get along, though.

But this time was different. This time I really, truly felt like I was going mad. I was terrified someone would take my daughter from me because I knew I was "losing it."

My dearest friend had suffered from depression for quite awhile when I had my episode, and it was at this point that I apologized to her because until that time, until I had lived it, I never got it. I never fully understood what a horrible existence it is to suffer untreated or to be beginning treatment and not feel any instant relief. I guess like most things in life, it takes someone walking in the same shoes to fully appreciate the extent of your joy or sadness.

And my friend who wrote his thoughts on depression on FB? He sent me the most wonderful, caring letter, sharing his own experiences and giving me hope that I would feel better. And I did feel better over time, after some medication tinkering and therapy.

Now, as this blog suggests, I, in many ways, have defined my life by my experience with mood disorders. It defined my life for a long time before I even knew it was a combination of mood disorders that were making my life, outlook and attitude what they were. And I am happy and proud to share my experience with others, to offer hope or help in whatever form I can, because I am a much better, stronger, kinder person as a result of my experience.

I am not as judgmental. I am not as hard on myself or others. I am much more empathetic towards others who are living their own breakdown or breakthrough. And I understand what makes me tick now in a way I wouldn't have had it not been for my experience in 2004.