Still, having trouble regulating one's moods is no picnic, and I am finding that I am very aware of my internal yo-yoing which is very, very intense at the moment. I find myself at the top of the roller coaster one day and the next I am at the pit, heading into a curve.
This damned weather helps not in the least. The dreariness, the rain, do nothing for my state of mind. My physical tiredness and inability to find a comfortable position no matter which way I sit, stand or lay plays into it too.
And then there are the weekends, when all four of us are together, and this stresses me out as well. Because in a week and a half, there will be 5 of us in the house together, with the older ones still hollering "Mommy! Mommy" (while Daddy is right there and totally able to open the yogurt or put the train back together). And while I will no longer be lugging around a baby in my abdominal cavity, I will be post-surgery, breastfeeding and still sleep-deprived.
As I've said many, many times, my memory is poor, and so I cannot remember how I felt emotionally at 38 weeks with the other two. With N, I know I was a nervous wreck, but I could sleep and rest as often as I needed to. No other children with whom to contend. With G, I was so stressed about him being breech, I don't think I focused too much on anything but trying to get him to turn and preparing myself for the possibility of a c-section. Plus, I had only a 3-and-a-half-year-old who at the time was very into watching Disney Princess movies and content to do that all day long.
Now, I have a 5-year-old who takes after her mother in being a very poor self-entertainer, and a 2-year-old who is spending increasing amounts of time throwing fits. And so when I am with both of them on the weekends, it is emotionally draining. Because all the while I am thinking about adding a newborn into this stew.
My FB updates have been indicative of my yo-yoing. One minute I am excited about having the baby. The next I am complaining about being exhausted. The next I am bitching about my children.
I know it has to be hard for my family...I try my hardest not to explode or gripe too much in their presence, but when momma spends most of her morning being a lump of flesh on the living room floor, it is obvious things aren't "right." Of course, I haven't been a "fun" or particularly "energetic" mom in 3 years, since becoming pregnant with G. By the time I weaned him and he started sleeping better at 14 months, I was a month shy of getting pregnant again. So that was a short-lived period of time.
And I know this is a struggle for me....on the inside. I blog about my feelings, but since no one but me lives inside my head, I am the only one who knows the extent of the yo-yoing. I feel like a terrible bore due to the incessant pregnancy thoughts or postpartum adjustment thoughts, but that is simply where I am. And this phase is hard and the next will be harder. But I will cope. Because what other choice do I have?
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