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Tuesday, December 8, 2009

OCD and anxiety symptoms--past and present

When I was finally diagnosed with OCD and Generalized Anxiety Disorder (GAD) in 2005, it was my "Aha!" moment.  So many feelings and thoughts and experiences finally made sense to me.  I had just thought I was terribly weird.

While my symptoms as an adult were fairly severe, requiring medication and therapy, the ones from my childhood were manageable.  Weird--definitely.  But some of them even had some benefits.

For example, I recopied my notes in school over and over and over.  If I made one little mistake, I would tear out the page in my notebook and start again rather than just using White-Out.  Yes, I used a lot of paper, but I also memorized my notes because of rewriting them repeatedly which made for excellent retention and test scores.  I started this in 7th grade and continued it throughout high school.  I stopped doing it in college.  

The strange ones....well, I'll just list them:

1. I would type letters with my toes in the air.  So if I was laying on the couch watching tv, I would get a random word stuck in my head, like potato.  And then my toes would "type" as if an invisible typewriter was under them, the letters of the word potato over and over and over.  I still catch myself toe typing letters.

2. Chronic hand-washing.  Still have this, although it comes in very handy in the winter, especially with H1N1 floating around.

3. Hypochondria.  Only since getting on my antidepressant have I been able to not think that every little thing is cancer.  I spent most of my life having my mother, and then my husband, look into my throat and answer the question, "Do you think it's cancer?"  Nowadays, I still catch myself wondering whether a minor ache is cancer, but I can usually talk myself into a rational explanation of the symptom.  

4. I went through a phase where I would read every comic strip in the newspaper, even the ones I didn't like, because I felt that if I only read my favorites, the other ones would get their feelings hurt.  (Yes, I recognize that comic strips are inanimate objects, but we are talking about OCD here.)

5. General obsessing.  I distinctly remember being a pre-teen and having a boyfriend.  I tried calling him (and this was in the days before answering machines).  I would let the phone ring literally hundreds of times.  And then I would keep calling over and over and over.  Probably 50 times.  I could not just let it go.  And this was not a one-time event.  Every time I didn't get an answer I would do this.  This obsessing was even worse when I was waiting for someone to call me back.  I simply could not stop obsessing over when the other person was going to return my call.  

6. When I was in high school, if I was out late and didn't take a shower before bed, I had to change my sheets the next day otherwise I could literally feel the dirt and grime on my sheets.  I was unable to sleep on sheets if I hadn't bathed prior to sleeping on them.  

7. Checking the door.  My parents would be in bed, long asleep, and I would get up and check the doors.  Multiple times.  (As an adult, I used to do this with my car.  I would walk halfway across the parking lot and have to walk all the way back to check.  Another thing I would do is turn my car around and redrive the same route I had just come, thinking I had possibly hit someone with my car but didn't feel the impact.  I have wasted many minutes of my life worrying that I'd hit a pedestrian and driving in circles until I felt certain that I had not hit someone.)

8. Irritable bowel issues.  My worries took their toll on my colon.  I would experience bouts of diarrhea whenever my anxiety got out of hand.  Which was often.  Since I have been on antidepressants, my bowel issues are a thing of the past.

So, yes, more or less, I was like Monk (although I can't speak for Monk's bowel habits).  

When N was about 7 months, I developed the following symptoms and was put on Zoloft 50 mg:

1. Uncontrolled crying
2. Excessive guilt and feelings of ineptness
3. Inability to eat
4. Insomnia or waking from sleep with panic attack (heart palpitations, sweating, shaking)
5. Obsession with death/dying

When N was 14 months, I began having intrusive thoughts about me stabbing her with a knife, throwing her down the steps, or molesting her.  And these weren't just occasional.  I would have streams of thoughts like this throughout the day.  Suffice it to say, I got into see a psychiatrist immediately because I knew this was not normal.  It was at this point I was diagnosed with OCD and GAD and told that I required 4 times that 50 mg Zoloft dose.  When Zoloft caused stomach upset, I was switched to Lexapro 20 mg and have been good ever since (thank the gods)!

In my case, I have never been diagnosed with depression because any depressive symptoms I have are because my OCD and GAD become out of control.  If those are under control, I do not have feelings of sadness or worthlessness.  

So that, in a nutshell, is my experience with OCD.  I'm sure there are other symptoms I had as a kid that I just can't recall right now.  Somewhere I read that OCD has a lot to do with memory failures in the brain.  A person with OCD can't remember unplugging the curling iron which therefore leads to the checking, rechecking, etc.  









7 comments:

Anonymous said...

I used to toe write. If I made the slightest mistake I would have to start over and do it again, usually five times without error. I'm quite certain I have a slight case of OCD. It was only as an adult that I started talking to one of my brothers who has similar issues. My other brother, the psychiatrist, insists he does not have any issues although his wife disagrees. I could go on and on. I'm afraid I have passed this on to AC who started displaying symptoms about 2 years ago.

Susan

J.R. (or Ernst Wolfgang) said...

Wow. That's a lot of stuff to deal with, for sure. Did the good doctors ever explore the violent thoughts toward the baby? I mean, there's depression and anxiety, then there's psychosis which is usually either an organic thing or something that derives from a particular event or series of events that traumatized you. I'm no expert by any means but I dealt with lots and lots of veterans with PTSD and other co-morbid diagnoses. In most cases, something predisposed the combat-induced PTSD, especially of the vet had social phobias or relationship problems while growing up/as a teen.

I'm not a mental voyeur per se, but I'm always curious about the motivation or trigger for "irregular" thoughts. Thanks for your honesty and willingness to share, though I'm sure there are times when the urge to censor yourself creates some creative friction. Keep writing. And I'll keep reading. --JR

Anonymous said...

You, your writing about yourself makes me feel normal. I have been making an internal decision to go back on my Lexapro. I hate to be dependant on a pill every day but I know I can't continue being full of self induced stress and anxiety all the time either. Last time I was on Lexapro I was "researching" it on the internet and found 1 post about it causing itching then I convinced myself that I was itching from it. I would literally scratch myself for hours on end b/c my brain told me Lexapro was making me itch. I talked with my dr. last time I was there and told her I was considering starting it back up again b/c I could feel the anxiety and hypochondria starting back in again. She told me she had NEVER heard of it causing itching. Sometimes the simplest explanations are so hard to believe with anxiety. I suspect I have always had problems due to the environment I grew up in but when I became a mom it got out of hand. All I think about is what if something happened to me and my kid doesn't have a mom. I would (still do sometimes) sit and cry b/c I think about not being here to see him grow up. To a "sane" "normal" person I can't imagine how absurd that sounds. I can't count how many times I have overreacted a situation in the last 3 years.....I can't remember anything from my childhood. My mom makes the comment "how do you not remember that"....I have a mind like a steel trap (husband's words) but I remember only maybe 3 or 4 things from childhood...I have always thought that weird..

Anonymous said...

Zoloft did nothing for me, but Lexapro has been a lifesaver, and I increased from 10 to 20 mg not too long ago. Life is even better and I feel wonderful. I worry that I'm too dependent on it, but I'll live with that as long as the doc still allows me to have it. Keep writing the blog, it's a wonderful read. Peggy B.

Momisodes said...

I can only imagine how much of a toll this all has taken on you. But I am glad to hear that it has come under control. You are so brave to share all of this here. I can certainly relate to the obsession with death/dying. It can be terrifying. It happened right after college, and I had witnessed several deaths as a nurse. The consuming thoughts can be debilitating.

Anonymous said...

mooddisorderedmama.blogspot.com; You saved my day again.

stop smoking hypnosis said...

I can understand the situation! All I can suggest is, just relax and go for therapies in order to turn on the things! There is nothing to worry if you believe in yourself!