After I have a baby, I go through a period of obsessing about death---both the baby's and mine. With the boys, this obsession has been manageable due to my medication, but I still struggle a bit.
My sensitive nipple skin cracks like the dickens when I'm breastfeeding. At 9 weeks out, my right nipple is still a mess, while the left one is about 93% healed. Even though my skin has done this 3 times (with every child), I have to spend quite a bit of mental energy convincing myself that this cracking is not an indication of cancer. And that it will heal eventually.
Sometime after the first of the year, D and I will have to meet with a lawyer to update our will, so I have been thinking about what will happen if I die before D while the kids are still young. How would he handle it? Would he discipline them consistently? What in god's name would he feed them (since my hubby's culinary repertoire consists of grilled cheese and......grilled cheese)? The truth is if I died, I would be dead and could do nothing about any of this.
And then there are my worries about M, primarily, "Will be succumb to SIDS?"
After G was about 6 months old, I purchased some cute return address labels personalized with caricatures of us. Now that there are 5 of us, and I am working on Christmas cards, I have been wanting to get some new ones made. But my brain kept thinking that if I order the new address labels with M on them, then he will probably die (since he is not out of that 2-4 month highest risk of SIDS window). I have to give myself this big long talk and tell myself the following:
1. The chances of M dying of SIDS are pretty slim, like 1 in 1,500.
2. Even if he did die, my least concern would be these stupid labels.
3. The labels have no causative effect on M's health or life. Ordering new labels is not going to jinx M.
This afternoon I ordered the labels, but it has taken me weeks of this same internal conversation to finally get the determination to just do it.
Once M gets to 4 months or so, and definitely by 6 months, these musings will subside. And once I stop nursing and my breasts go back to whatever normal will be for them, I will stop fretting about my skin.
The first months of postpartum life are challenging enough without my brain making things more stressful and worrisome.
3 comments:
You can't imagine how much I can relate to this post. There have been countless things that I've hesitated to do because of the possibility that someone (a baby or a parent) might not be there at some point.
Sometimes I even hear myself saying something about us doing some event in the future that we will all be together for, and I get this weird sort of flash-forward/flashback thing happen, where we're in that future moment and one of us is gone, and my words echo in the air. Does that make any sense? (Obviously, no, it doesn't, but I mean do you get what I'm saying?)
Anyway, just saying that I understand your thinking because my mind works the same way, and I have to be on-guard against the same kinds of thought patterns.
I honestly think the same thing about my cats sometimes. Like what will happen with them if I were to die before them? Just because I've had strider since his eyes were closed and Abu is afraid of strangers and barely will come out from under the bed. But then I would be dead and there would be nothing I could do. It's weird because they're only cats.. but they're kinda like my kids.
Totally understand 210%! EXACT same here. When my little one was born I pushed and I mean pushed the pacifier...he loved it and took to it but I was adamant he take the pacifier b/c I knew if he was constantly sucking when he was sleeping he wouldn't forget to wake up like they do with SIDS. I was so stressed out over SIDS I was a basket case for the first few months. Shit he's 3 years old and I'm still a basket case over too many things...I'm starting to think maybe electro shock therapy would be good or something or maybe a labotomy :)
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