Rock rolling

I find that I feel a lot of mommy guilt associated with mothering N. And I think I know the reason.

When I was pregnant with N, I began the downward spiral of depression and anxiety, but I didn't realize it until well after the fact. I was so excited to be having a daughter, and yet I was stricken with utter fear...extremely unhealthy fear.

During the pregnancy is when I started on the path of Unrealistic Expectations of Self. I had always set high standards for myself and whatever job I set out to do, and I had, by and large, always succeeded. But being a mom isn't like any other job a person does.

So when N was born I became very strict about my behavior. I had to be perfect. I had to do everything for her myself. I intended to do everything the American Academy of Pediatrics said to do to the letter. I had to fix her torticollis with my own hands, every day, many times a day doing physical therapy on her. Now most of this was hormonal and chemical, but a good chunk of it was cognitive too.

I remember when N was about 6 or 7 months old and was fighting sleep. I would rock her, and rock her, and rock her. And once, in my frustration, I growled, which left her wailing. I remember the anguish I felt because I had scared her. And I thought I was a horrible mother for getting angry at this baby (not realizing that experiencing negative emotions about one's child(ren) is TOTALLY NORMAL).

It wasn't too long after this I had my nervous breakdown. And then from the time N was 9 months old until she was 18 months old, I was very, very undermedicated. I could sleep and I could eat, but I was depressed. Thank god I journaled and took pictures during this time because my memories of her at this delightful age range are tinged with sadness. I distinctly remember the winter months at the dining room window with N. She was watching cars go down the road, and I just stared blankly, feeling hopeless.

So I feel like I missed out on a good chunk of time with N. Even though I was physically there, I know I wasn't emotionally there. Lord knows I tried to be. Maybe N sensed it, and maybe she didn't, but I know I didn't enjoy my time with her, and so I feel a little cheated. I know this is part of the reason I just savor G's time now. Because my time with N as she was learning to crawl, and learning to walk, and learning to talk, was stolen.

I have guilt about that that remains on my heart to this day. And maybe the fact that I have this guilt makes me susceptible to feeling guilt about lots of things associated with my relationship with N. I think I still feel some amount of guilt about having G, about stealing away more time with N by adding another child to the mix.

This is why I try really hard to play with her and be available to her, even though alot of the time I really am sick to death of playing pretend or whatever. I feel terrible guilt at times when I tell her I need to stop to get some things done, even when most of the reason I am doing those things is because I am just tired of playing with her.

And so I have this guilt with her that I simply do not feel with G. Is it because he is the 2nd, and I'm much calmer in general? Is it because I am now medicated and have CBT under my belt to help me with my expectations associated with mothering him? Is it because she and I just have a typical, emotionally charged mother-daughter relationship? Maybe all of the above.

I spend a good bit of my time talking myself down from this guilt precipice, but it is a constant struggle. It is my sisyphean struggle.