I grew up saying formal prayers---The Hail Mary and Our Father. "Now I Lay Me" at bedtime. "Bless Us O Lord" at meals. The Apostle's Creed at church every week.
(Side note here: Am I the only kid who was completely freaked the hell out by "Now I Lay Me?" What child wants to think about dying before they wake???)
But eventually it started to bother me that I didn't feel any meaning when I said them, although I now understand that just saying the prayers in a "seemingly thoughtless" way is actually sorta meditative in its own right. I don't know what I thought I should feel, but I wasn't feeling anything.
I also didn't (and don't) subscribe to the idea of praying for something means what you want will happen. Sometimes I hear people say, "God is good," and I often wonder if they would still say that if "god" didn't make whatever they wanted to happen, happen. I don't often hear this phrasing used when someone's tire goes flat 15 minutes before a job interview.
Whatever "god" is....evolution or higher power or karma....is far, far smarter than any human to determine what is "best." Eventually I just kinda made a blanket one-time prayer to "Let whatever is supposed to happen for the best occur and give me the ability to deal with it."
Whenever a friend asks for prayers for themselves or a loved one, I never say anything on the order of, "Dear Jesus, Redeemer of my Sins...." because that just weirds me out whether said aloud or inside my head and heart. I tend to think of sending good thoughts/vibes to another person as my favorite, most comfortable kind of prayer.
I also really want to and try to live my prayer. For example, we don't say grace at mealtimes, but I donate food to food banks occasionally. And I try my darndest not to waste food, even if it means making beet bread. And I support CSAs because I think this is perhaps the best form of thank you for my food---helping the farmers who bring it to my table.
Self-reflection seems to me a pretty good form of prayer. Reviewing what you have said or done, examining your desires, grievances, joys, sorrows, seems to me a pretty good way to show thankfulness or make amends (the next time).
Prayer can be used as an insult, I think, although to the one who offers it I don't think it is meant that way. Someone once said they would pray for me because I haven't accepted Jesus as my personal saviour and given my heart to him. I know this person strongly believes in Jesus and wants to share that good feeling, but I do believe in god/higher power/karma....and I do believe in historical Jesus (just not died for our sins Jesus). And I am ok with that.
Is there ever any feeling of longing in my heart? Well sure. But even the most "in-tune with Jesus" person feels that way. I think it's called the human condition.
So being offered what felt like a "pity prayer" (as in Carrie's soul is in such need of repair) really bothered me. Because I thought it was "god's job" to judge my heart and soul and determine my overall worthiness on this planet. And that is why I am a little suspicious of prayer.
But I don't doubt it's power.
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