We had N when we'd been married almost 6.5 years.
But I think the real truth is more complicated than just that I didn't want to.
Let me explain something about my personality.
When I was in high school, I dated the same guy from sophomore year on. And many members of my family asked me if he and I would get married. I HATED this question because I was a teenager. I was going to go to college, not get married. By the time senior year rolled around, I knew I didn't want to be with him forever. Not because he was a bad guy--he was a good guy. But I was 17-years-old and needed to play the field and grow the heck up (which I am still currently working on). By second semester freshman year of college, I was so over being tied down and broke it off with him.
When D and I married, I opted to keep my maiden name, and the reason was because I HATED the assumption that I would turn into Mrs. D as soon as the ring was slipped onto my finger. It felt to me like I was going to have to work really, really hard to keep my identity as Carrie once I married. So keeping my maiden name felt like my way of thumbing my nose at becoming a "we" and losing "me."
Plus, it was such a hassle to change credit cards, Social Security cards, etc. I wasn't up for all the paperwork.
Do you see a trend here?
So when D and I married, it wasn't 20 minutes before people started asking, "When are you gonna have babies?" And I HATED this question because I was 24-years-old. A baby myself, to be honest. Maybe I was afraid of losing my identity as "Carrie" once I became a mother (which has certainly happened.)?
Maybe I was scared of the whole pregnancy and childbirth thing? (True)
Or maybe I just really get off on saying I'm going to do the exact opposite of whatever it is I think people want me to do????
I'm a little ornery that way.
But having my kids. Well, like the Grinch, my heart grew three sizes upon having my babies. And I can't imagine my life without them. Because without them I wouldn't experience things like.....
- G pointing to me in the car and saying, "You kay-zy."
- M spitting up after a nursing session and all of it running directly down my cleavage.
- N singing "If you like it then you shoulda put a ring on it."
3 comments:
Sometimes I wonder if it wouldn't have been better if I'd thought that way...
I pretty much wanted kids (and lots of them!) from the time I was old enough to realize it was a choice. But then we had one and it was nothing at all like I'd imagined (shocking, I know) and we went from thinking of a big family to thinking maybe one more would be enough.
It sounds good the way you've done it, mentally, just waiting to see how things progressed and not jumping ahead until you were ready.
Oh the joys of motherhood :)
Like you, I grappled with the idea of having children. Having attended dozens of deliveries, I was a little more than frightened by the idea of my body enduring pregnancy and childbirth...nevermind all the rest that comes afterward.
But you are right, you're heart does grow. So much more than you could imagine.
I'm curious...have you ever reflected back and realized that a decision you made as a reaction to what others expected you to do, turned out to be a bad decision? In other words, have you ever wished you had made a certain decision based on what's best for you and not because it would irritate people?
Hopefully not, but that thought just occured to me as I was reading this post, and I wondered if it had ever happened. I'm glad the BIGGEST decision - having kids - turned out the right way! :-)
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