Stepping through a minefield

I had to call another mom and tell her N doesn't want to play with her daughter anymore. Man, that was so unfun. And I'm really torn up about this (damn my ultra-sensitive personality).

N's playdates with this girl began when G was about a month old. At first, I was just so thrilled for N to have something to do besides sit in front of the tube or watch me nurse her brother. N had started to have a little love affair with L over the summer when they would play together at the pool, and it continued into the fall.

I started to notice N was overly-dependent on L, and L just kinda ignored her. L is nearly a year older than N, so I thought it was just an immaturity issue on the part of N. At our neighborhood Halloween festival, N was constantly chasing after calling, "L, wait for me." L just ran off and did her own thing, regardless of N trailing behind her. Admittedly, this behavior of N's was driving me nuts. The world doesn't begin and end with L or any child, and I hated that my child seemed so needy and dependent on another kid.

Once the playdates began, I eventually noticed when I would pick N up from L's that N was always in a Snow White costume and L was in a Sleeping Beauty costume. Who cares, I know, but N adores Sleeping Beauty and would always choose that costume if given an opportunity. So I started to wonder, "Is she not being given the opportunity?"

Then N started saying stuff like, "I like Sleeping Beauty, not L," and "Sleeping Beauty is my favorite, not L's." And I know full well that Sleeping Beauty is L's favorite, so why was N saying things like this?

Last week, when L came to our house, N hit her because L pulled N's pacifier out of her mouth (and why did she even have her pacifier in her mouth--keep reading). And then on Thursday, she got upset at L's house and started crying to the point where L's mom couldn't calm her down. When I talked to L's mom, it totally didn't make sense what N was crying about, but the fact that she got upset and was glad to leave is what bothers me.

So I told L's mom today that I think we need to take a break from playdates, and I suspect she got her feelings hurt. She didn't say this so I may just be over-worrying, but I thought I heard it in her voice.

And as much as I don't want to hurt L or L's mom's feelings, my daughter's feelings come first.

I get the sense that since L is nearly a year older, she kinda dictates what the girls play. L has a forceful, exuberant personality, while N tends usually to be fairly easygoing. And N, especially in someone else's house, is generally not going to pitch a fit about anything even if stuff does bother her, which may be why she started with the "Sleeping Beauty is my favorite" stuff. Perhaps that is her roundabout way of saying "I'm not happy." Heck, last week in our house, when her friend, I, wanted to play Barbies and N wanted to play Polly Pockets, N just got her pacifier and laid on the couch. So that is what N does when things aren't going the way she wants---she retreats and gets her pacifier.

So I feel like I've been walking through a emotional minefield--worrying about L stepping on N's feelings, worrying about myself stepping on L's mom's feelings, worrying whether I am being too sensitive to this whole thing.

But I gotta look out for my own.