Friendship or flagellation?

As N gets older, I am having a difficult time in handling her little friendships, if I can call them that. My definition of friendship--mutual respect, honesty, communication--are NOT required in preschool friendships, at least where my daughter is concerned. Another girl who likes pink is all she requires. Perhaps a shared love of Disney Princesses.

We have been having some "drop off" playdates, which are GREAT if you get to drop your kid off. Not so terrific if you are the referee, um, I mean parent in charge of the playdate.

A couple of things have bothered me lately about these playdates and some of her friendships.

First, my rule is that guests come first. If N has a guest over, she needs to ask them what they want to do or offer them a toy first, rather than giving them second choice on everything. Unfortunately, I don't think this is how some of her playdate friends operate in their own homes when N is a guest, so I worry that N is playing 2nd fiddle in her own home and in the homes of her friends. And I, of course, can't dictate what other people do in their homes.

Second, some of her friends are older, by up to a year or so, which makes a big difference on so many levels. Based on what I've heard when she has had friends over, I wonder if she is getting bossed around a little too much. I have had a couple of her friends come into the house and tell me that they are gonna watch a movie, to which I reply, "No you're not." I figure if a kid is trying to boss me around, I know they are gonna have their way with my kid."

Third, N gets kinda obsessive about certain friends--hell she is my daughter after all. All she can talk about is Jane and Jody. Jane this and Jody that, which bugs the HELL outta me because she acts as if the world revolves around these kids. I just don't like her being so hell-bent on certain kids to the exclusion of other kids, especially when Jane and Jody are sometimes a little mean to N.

(Good Lord, I hate to say it but that is how I was although I was older. My world revolved around Danette, who basically would hang out with me whenever she couldn't find something better to do. It drove my mom NUTS because everything was "Danette this" and "Danette that." It wasn't until I got into high school that I finally started understanding what good friends are.)

I know I have to back away from this a bit because while I may think Jane and Jody are being mean, they are being kids and N has to experience some of this to know what she will and won't stand for in friends. And I have certainly heard N boss other kids around. But momma bear wants to protect her cub from any and all things that will make her child sad. Jane and Jody aren't bad kids at all, but they aren't my kid. When N is bossy to other kids, I tend to think it is a good trait, being a leader and not letting other kids push her around. But I don't like it when my kid is on the receiving end of bossiness.

Sheesh, it is emotionally draining being the momma of a child who is learning how to be a and find a friend.