Monday, September 19, 2011

Back-up babies are not just a crazy Carrie idea

Long ago, before M actually came into the picture, I told D I wanted 3 kids.  A big part of why I wanted 3 kids was because if I only had 2 children and one of them died, then I would only have 1 child remaining (yes, I am super good at math, thank you.)  The one remaining child would then be an only child, and what if something happened to that child?  Then I would be childless.  In my extremely illogical head, it seemed like 3 children was a safe number of children to keep me from worrying constantly about my children dying prematurely.  Not that I wouldn't mourn the loss of a child, but at least I would have a couple children left.

Suffice it to say, Lexapro has been an excellent choice of drug for my OCD and anxiety.

D called this my "backup baby" plan, and I thought that perhaps I was weird for thinking this way.

Back on August 7, I cut out an AP article about the famine in Somalia because of this quote from a 24-year-old mother whose 1-year-old died two days after she gave birth to another child:
"I can't do anything about it.  But I pray to God to give me a good replacement that lives a long life."

Reading this made me think that I am not insane, merely born in the wrong country or perhaps the right country but the wrong century.

Anxiety just keeps me highly attuned to my fight/flight/pregnant-related reactionary responses from pre-modern times.


Bethany said...

I understand a little bit.

Its like that now that I've had two successful pregnancies and deliveries, I am not nearly as afraid of miscarriage or baby loss. I still dislike thinking of it and know its a reality, but I am less afraid of how I will cope with those things and I know I've got my own back up children who are already here who need me and can carry me through that time. I don't know that its totally healthy, but ...

Keri said...

Makes sense to me. And I also know what Bethany means about not fearing a pregnancy loss as much, now that she already has children.