Long ago, before M actually came into the picture, I told D I wanted 3 kids. A big part of why I wanted 3 kids was because if I only had 2 children and one of them died, then I would only have 1 child remaining (yes, I am super good at math, thank you.) The one remaining child would then be an only child, and what if something happened to that child? Then I would be childless. In my extremely illogical head, it seemed like 3 children was a safe number of children to keep me from worrying constantly about my children dying prematurely. Not that I wouldn't mourn the loss of a child, but at least I would have a couple children left.
Suffice it to say, Lexapro has been an excellent choice of drug for my OCD and anxiety.
D called this my "backup baby" plan, and I thought that perhaps I was weird for thinking this way.
Back on August 7, I cut out an AP article about the famine in Somalia because of this quote from a 24-year-old mother whose 1-year-old died two days after she gave birth to another child:
"I can't do anything about it. But I pray to God to give me a good replacement that lives a long life."
Reading this made me think that I am not insane, merely born in the wrong country or perhaps the right country but the wrong century.
Anxiety just keeps me highly attuned to my fight/flight/pregnant-related reactionary responses from pre-modern times.
Suffice it to say, Lexapro has been an excellent choice of drug for my OCD and anxiety.
D called this my "backup baby" plan, and I thought that perhaps I was weird for thinking this way.
Back on August 7, I cut out an AP article about the famine in Somalia because of this quote from a 24-year-old mother whose 1-year-old died two days after she gave birth to another child:
"I can't do anything about it. But I pray to God to give me a good replacement that lives a long life."
Reading this made me think that I am not insane, merely born in the wrong country or perhaps the right country but the wrong century.
Anxiety just keeps me highly attuned to my fight/flight/pregnant-related reactionary responses from pre-modern times.
2 comments:
I understand a little bit.
Its like that now that I've had two successful pregnancies and deliveries, I am not nearly as afraid of miscarriage or baby loss. I still dislike thinking of it and know its a reality, but I am less afraid of how I will cope with those things and I know I've got my own back up children who are already here who need me and can carry me through that time. I don't know that its totally healthy, but ...
Makes sense to me. And I also know what Bethany means about not fearing a pregnancy loss as much, now that she already has children.
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