The end is nigh

More or less, my thoughts and feelings about this week's planned delivery of baby #3 have been going something like this:

1. OMFG!!!!! I can barely handle 2 kids, and now we're gonna throw another one in this stew? Holy hell!!!

2. Zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz. (It is nearly unbearable for me to sit anywhere, which means I must lay on my side. And side-laying almost always results in a doze.)

3. OMFG! I cannot handle being pregnant 1 second longer. I am so frackin uncomfortable. I feel like arms, legs and fingers are gonna poke through my skin any minute.

4. Zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz.

5. Some combination of #1 and #3.

I asked D this morning if he is excited about the baby coming, and he gave me this look, which pretty much matches my thinking about this baby coming. Now that I am 2 days out, the reality of surgical delivery, postpartum pain, caring for 3 children is almost overwhelming.

When I think of "excitement," I think of feeling super positive about something with no or only the most minimal "worry." And there have been maybe 5 things in my life that I have been no holds barred excited about. Most of those were vacations in our life before kids when I knew I could just let go and relax and do whatever I wanted to do. I was really excited to go to Italy and Greece and Iceland.

But everything else, from college graduation to marriage to having children, especially as the D-Day loomed ever closer, was mostly trepidation. And that is where I am right this second.

G has been very, very clingy to Momma, and to some extent N has too, but that just may be because this whole fall break from school has thrown her routine off kilter. And while they will just have to deal for a bit while I am in hospital and during my recovery, it makes me feel a little guilty.....a little like a negligent mom, although I know this is stupid. Hell, I'm going to deliver their sibling, not taking off for Vegas to drink and gamble their college savings away with various male consorts.

I guess due to my lack of energy I have felt like barely a "good enough" mom, so what lies ahead seems to only make this situation worse. But I keep reminding myself this is temporary. I will adjust. They will adjust. This is just temporary.

When Wednesday comes I will be glad....because then I just have to deal. And dealing is so much easier than worrying about dealing.