As anyone knows who has read my blog since Oct 7th, every post has been a wild mood swing. One day I feel good, like I'll do fine getting through this adjustment period. And then the next 3 posts are about how miserable everything is and how worried I am about all sorts of things about which I can do absolutely nothing.
This is what Carrie was like all the time prior to being medicated. Except I didn't have a blog, so only a couple people, like D and my mom, knew the full extent of my moods, my thoughts and anxieties. And they definitely thought there was something wrong with me.
It is a good thing to remember what anxiety feels like, if for no other reason than it reaffirms my empathy with others who suffer from it. There are some who might think I can "snap" myself out of it. This never worked and still doesn't. I can't pray my way out of it---tried that too, many, many times. Never tried drinking or doing drugs out of it because I don't believe in self-medicating.
Lord knows, I certainly wanted out of it. Wanted to escape my brain with all of its worst-case scenarios. Still do.
I know that even if I do have a hernia, it is likely mild and may not require surgery, or if it does, I can put it off until M is older and not breastfeeding every 15 seconds. I know that if my kids get the flu, I will be dragging their butts to the doctor for medicine asap, and in all likelihood, avoid any severe illness as a result. I know that I will eventually get used to this life change.
But just knowing this doesn't mean my brain really, truly believes it. It's like the anxious part of my brain is the world's biggest doubting Thomas, so no matter what I tell it, what statistics I throw at it, what reasonable argument I make, it doesn't believe it. It doesn't listen. It insists on going about its merry way, turning every possible scenario into those involving disease, death and pain.
Everyone has seen the cartoons of the angel on one shoulder and the devil on the other, and anyone who suffers from anxiety (and has received some sort of therapy to help them cope with it) knows these figures all too well. Because that devil is doubt/fear/anxiety, and it is far more fierce, cunning and ruthless than the angel who tries to show you logic, reason, fact.
Right now, in these times of change, some days the angel gets the upper hand, but while it wins some skirmishes, the devil is currently winning the war.
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