But then I just get to the point where I know what I'm feeling inside isn't jiving with what I'm telling myself or others.
So here is the truth.
1. Even though I am glad to be a stay-at-home mom and wouldn't have it any other way, there are just some parts I absolutely, positively hate with a raging passion. And one of those parts is staying home with a sick kid or kids. I simply cannot handle the cooped-up-ness of it all. It's like how I used to feel on Christmas Day when I was a kid. I had no choice but to stay home because everyone else was celebrating with their families, and nothing was open (like the mall or school). I simply get depressed very quickly when I have a day or days like this. Suffice it to say, if there is ever a quarantine associated with the swine flu or any other communicable disease near me, I ain't gonna handle it well at all.
2. Even though I bitched to high heaven about taking my two graduate courses between January and August, it is a damn good thing I had them to occupy me because the truth is I am totally fucking scared outta my mind to have this third child. Especially when I have a day like today with N home sick(ish) (sorta). What am I gonna do over the winter break from school having 3 kids at home all day long? I have been able to push thoughts like this aside for a long time, but reality is starting to hit home.
3. Even though I felt I wanted 3 kids, I have to admit that being pregnant now, after having gotten a little bite of the freedom that comes with having a kid in school all. day. long., makes me feel more than a little out of sorts. I am starting all over again with the postpartum junk and the nursing and the sleeplessness. I hate to say this because no one wants to admit their negative feelings about being pregnant or having children. But it is the truth for me right now. I feel alot of guilt admitting it because it makes me "sound like" I don't want this baby. And I do want this baby. I just don't want all the work and headache and responsibility that comes with having a baby.
That is the thing about parenthood that poses another big challenge for me: how I can feel two or even three totally different emotions at the exact same time. Like those moments when I think, "I love my kids to the point I would die for them, but I can't stand being around them."
So there's my ugly truth. It's not pretty, but it's what I'm feeling.
3 comments:
I don't feel like I'm dishonest on my blog, but sometimes I have trouble laying the most raw stuff out there. I applaud your honesty Carrie - that is the real paradox of parenting (and lots of life I suppose) you know how much you should appreciate it, and will miss it, but good Lord those kids can be a trial!
1. Yes...me too.
2. Yes...I was too.
3. Um, read my blog from a year and a half ago. Full of this stuff.
I think you are not as different from others as you think ;) You very obviously adore your children...most of the time. And that's such an important thing. The most of the time.
As for Christmas break? Maybe N will be so enamored with the baby, that she will find it a fun game to rock him or get his supplies or read him books while he watches from a bouncer. Perhaps G will get just old enough that N and G will start playing together...without you. Because that's what my 2 have started. And it is AWESOME. Except for all the screaming.
Your honesty is so appreciated. It makes the rest of us feel better about all the conflicting emotions we also have.
Susan
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