Am I in mourning or is it morning?

Today I took N for our last Kindergarten Countdown activity--to see a play of Grimm's fairytales. Afterwards we got a frozen custard and stopped at a toy store, where I bought her a new paper doll book. A stellar day by 5-year-old standards, I think.

On the drive home, I began thinking about this post and it's title, a way to sum up my feelings as she begins kindergarten in less than a week.

A part of me feels a bit of sadness for the years that have passed. There was a time when I couldn't remotely imagine being away from her for 6 hours at a time. She was 4 before she ever stayed the night with any of her grandparents. Next week, she will leave the house at 8:25 a.m. and return sometime between 4:00-4:30 p.m. Even though I know I am not losing her, our family dynamic, my relationship with her, will change. So I am mourning the unknowns of change. I am mourning the time that has gone by. I am mourning her young childhood.

And at the same time, there is such excitement, such wonder, such adventure for her and for me. Which made me think of the morning, the brightness and surprise that await every day, especially for a child. I was telling her about how she will start to learn science and math and social studies, and take art, gym, music and Spanish. So many new things for her to experience as she makes her first venture into elementary school, which will bring plenty of things for me to hear about and learn as I see her develop into an ever-more mature girl.

This change, as with so many experiences of parenting, is bittersweet. On the one hand I am sad to know she is taking flight, and at the same time, I am ready to see her leave the nest a bit because I know it is what both she and I need. Mommy simply doesn't hold the appeal she once did. I cannot provide for all her needs. And not being able to meet all her needs makes me feel a bit useless, especially at this stage of pregnancy when I am too tired and frazzled to put oodles of energy into entertaining her all hours of the day. Suffice it to say, this summer has been a bit of a challenge for the two of us.

One benefit of her going off into the world of true formal education is it will allow me to spend some time alone with G....a whole 20 minutes before this third child enters the picture and relegates him to middle child status and syndrome.

The times they are a'changing.