When you feel pukey as soon as you drag your ass outta bed, you know it is gonna be a sucky day. I must have a little stomach bug because I spent a little more time than I like in the bathroom and have had virtually no appetite. And I had only enough energy to grab an extra pillow from the hall closet to make myself a little bed on the living room floor. So the malaise of which I wrote last night is still in effect only a little worse.
I wasn't so sick that I didn't notice all the lint on my carpet and crumbs/dirt on my kitchen floor. My purpose in being on the floor was so G could get to me for cuddles or whatever, but I didn't know it was gonna add to my neverending "To Do" list. Dammit.
N got in trouble at school today. Her first time. She and 4 other kids were put in Time Out for running. When her teacher left the room momentarily to get something, N and her friend decided to get up from their seats and hide. Seemed funny until her teacher made N and her friend stay in Time Out for the remainder of playtime as a result of not staying in their seats. Fortunately, her teacher said N was mortified, and she thinks it will not happen again. While a part of me is glad she is not a total obedient robot like I was as a child and has a bit of the mischevious about her, I am also a wee bit disappointed....but just a wee bit. I expect her to act a fool around me but I would prefer she not around her teachers.
G is learning how to dance. He stomps his feet, beats his hands on the couch or whatever piece of furniture is in front of him, and shakes his head back and forth. He'll stop to clap his hands, and then roll back into his little routine. I'm sure I'll read that this dance is a marker for autism, but for the moment I'm just gonna think it is a cute as heck. Seeing him do this while N and I watched cartoons from the floor was the highlight of my day.
Let's hope my GI tract feels better tomorrow because we've got a Halloween party to attend.
Thursday, October 30, 2008
Wednesday, October 29, 2008
Malaise
Most of the time I go chugging along pretty happily. I might have a bad spell of a day, but then it is over. I am now in the midst of a funk, largely because I am having my first period in 22 months. I knew it was coming. I'd been feeling twinges of activity in my abdomen for about a week, so I knew something was in the works. And I had been super freakin' irritable.
Going almost 2 years without a menstrual cycle really spoils a girl. I was just so, so even-keel. Now I remember how it felt to be ages 10-30, LBA (life before antidepressant). I would just have these episodes of blah....like nothing is really wrong, but everything feels not right. I always liked E.M. Forster's reference to a muddle in his novels, and that is how I thought of these times, although they never worked out quite as nicely as they did in A Room With a View and others. They would go away and eventually reappear.
So there it is. My malaise of the moment. Another reason to have a 3rd child. (Oh, and I obsess more when my ovaries are awakened.)
Going almost 2 years without a menstrual cycle really spoils a girl. I was just so, so even-keel. Now I remember how it felt to be ages 10-30, LBA (life before antidepressant). I would just have these episodes of blah....like nothing is really wrong, but everything feels not right. I always liked E.M. Forster's reference to a muddle in his novels, and that is how I thought of these times, although they never worked out quite as nicely as they did in A Room With a View and others. They would go away and eventually reappear.
So there it is. My malaise of the moment. Another reason to have a 3rd child. (Oh, and I obsess more when my ovaries are awakened.)
Sunday, October 26, 2008
The semi-polygamous village
I have some crazy ideas at times. Ask D. He thinks my idea to have a 3rd child is by far my nuttiest.
My personal favorite is my dream of revamping society as a whole into a semi-polygamous village. Basically I kinda want to go back to hunter/gatherer days but without all the hunting and gathering. I want to keep my jeans, appliances and car. Sister ain't about to live in a loincloth.
I just don't think the whole 1 working man/1 stay-at-home woman in a house with their kids in a neighborhood of mostly dual-career families is the way to go. I'm sure my dream village would have its faults too if played out in real life, but it is a dream so it can be as nirvana-ish as I imagine.
Here are the problems I see in modern life and how the village would solve them:
My personal favorite is my dream of revamping society as a whole into a semi-polygamous village. Basically I kinda want to go back to hunter/gatherer days but without all the hunting and gathering. I want to keep my jeans, appliances and car. Sister ain't about to live in a loincloth.
I just don't think the whole 1 working man/1 stay-at-home woman in a house with their kids in a neighborhood of mostly dual-career families is the way to go. I'm sure my dream village would have its faults too if played out in real life, but it is a dream so it can be as nirvana-ish as I imagine.
Here are the problems I see in modern life and how the village would solve them:
- Stay-at-home mom in house with kids while stay-at-home mom friends live across the city. Pain in butt and usage of gas to get to them on a daily basis. If in a village, we'd all be close-by, so we could visit quickly in between doing laundry or cooking food and all the older kids could run around the village playing with the wild dogs.
- Pain in butt to find childcare for things like doctor appointments, part-time work, etc. If in village, nearby moms could watch kids and vice versa for such appointments. Older kids would still be chasing wild dogs, so we're only talking babies here. And stay-at-home moms wouldn't have to ask their 70-year-old moms to do it.
- Hmmm, I don't know how to be delicate about this one. The stay-at-home moms I know either want 1. no sex, or 2. sex with someone different who helps with the housework. I like to think in the semi-polygamous village there would be very hygienic single gals to help out with issue #1 for the working husbands. I don't know what the solution is for #2 because I have yet to meet a man who does housework that I'd actually like to..... well, ya know.
- Near the village....within walking distance....is a bookstore, preschool, elementary school, grocery store, library, farmer's market, Target/Wal-Mart, Starbucks, doctor's office, pool, park/playground, zoo and botanical garden, Kazoing or All About Kids, mall and gas station. I can put the kids in a stroller to do my errands...thereby ensuring we all get plenty of outside time and exercise. And save on gas money.
- Within driving distance (no more than 15 minutes' drive, tops) is an IKEA, hair salon, fancy restaurant, nature preserve, hospital, and orchard.
- There is a big community garden right in the middle of the village with a nice compost pile where everyone wheelbarrows their yard waste every couple of weeks.
- Everyone collects rainwater in large drums so nobody has to water the grass in the summer.
- Everyone keeps their yards weeded themselves or hires handsome men to do their yard work (I'm talking Clive Owen or Robert Downey Jr. in IronMan good-looking). Hey--these guys might be able to solve problem #2 from bullet number 3 up there.
Friday, October 24, 2008
I need a backbone
The downside to blogging and having it public (as opposed to only inviting certain people to view my blog) is that I have to digest the comments that may come from people who don't agree with me and feel compelled to tell me so. And even though I like to act all "fuck ya'll" as if I have a cast-iron gut, the truth is that I am antacid-addicted with a queasy GI tract.
For example, my blog about my pet peeves. Those things I mentioned do peeve me off....though not like in a Rush Limbaugh way. I'm not having to take blood pressure medicine or anything. These are slight irritations. But then a couple people commented about my married name peeves, and then I worry: Are they mad at me because I wrote what I wrote? Was I offensive in any way? Will they no longer consider me nice?
So it is this see-saw act I do, where I feel a need to say what I feel, get things off my chest, but then have to contend with any negative or simply contrary views. I know I am a glutton for punishment, but I also must feel a need to toughen up my yellow-bellied self.
Someone please kick me straight up in the ass if I ever decide to act on my secret desire to run for public office.
For example, my blog about my pet peeves. Those things I mentioned do peeve me off....though not like in a Rush Limbaugh way. I'm not having to take blood pressure medicine or anything. These are slight irritations. But then a couple people commented about my married name peeves, and then I worry: Are they mad at me because I wrote what I wrote? Was I offensive in any way? Will they no longer consider me nice?
So it is this see-saw act I do, where I feel a need to say what I feel, get things off my chest, but then have to contend with any negative or simply contrary views. I know I am a glutton for punishment, but I also must feel a need to toughen up my yellow-bellied self.
Someone please kick me straight up in the ass if I ever decide to act on my secret desire to run for public office.
Christmas gift anxiety
I think I am an idiot because I am spending an awful lot of time thinking about what to get N for Christmas. I believe obsessing would be the word for it. Nooooo, Carrie obsess? That's crazy talk.
N is at a hard to buy for age, I think. She is too old for some things, like Dora. And she already has tons of girl stuff like a dollhouse, a Barbie house, baby bed, play kitchen. But she is too young for a lot of artsy/craftsy things which would require tons of mom participation, which I wouldn't mind doing but G makes nearly impossible.
But she also says she wants everything she sees on tv and in magazines/catalogs. She has mentioned a ton of items, some that make sense to me and some that she evidently pulled out of her butt. She asked for a camera. This makes sense since she is always asking if she can use my camera to take pictures. She asked for an American Doll, which makes sense because we get American Doll catalogs in the mail (I don't know how we got on that mailing list, but we are). But then there are things like an Etch-A-Sketch and a Jack-in-the-Box and a Butterfly House (this is the girl that abhors all things that fly smaller than birds).
While I want to start buying and just get it over with, I worry that she will pull another Santa letter like last year. I thought I had gotten her things she wanted, and then when she had me write her letter to Santa, she named 1 thing that I had never heard her mention before. Since it was only 1 thing, I felt like she'd be disappointed if Santa didn't bring it.
I think I need to knock myself in the head with something metal to snap me out of this. My purpose in life is not to get N her heart's deepest 4-year-old desire for Christmas, especially when she changes her mind every 12 minutes about what her heart's deepest desire is.
And last year I bought her waaaayy too much. So this year Santa is bringing 1 gift and stocking stuffers, and Mommy and Daddy will give her one "big" gift and one "small" gift. Or that is the plan anyway. I'm thinking our big gift will be the camera, and the small gift will be a DVD or craft thing. I'm gonna wait until next month to nail her down on the Santa present.
G is easy because he doesn't know, and he doesn't care. So I can buy him bottles of Puffs, and he will be happy. I bought him a second-hand Little Tykes Coupe (for $20), which he has already sat in when I was downstairs in the office closet.
Apparently, I need a life since this is all I have to think about. (Better than stewing over wanting a 3rd child, I guess).
N is at a hard to buy for age, I think. She is too old for some things, like Dora. And she already has tons of girl stuff like a dollhouse, a Barbie house, baby bed, play kitchen. But she is too young for a lot of artsy/craftsy things which would require tons of mom participation, which I wouldn't mind doing but G makes nearly impossible.
But she also says she wants everything she sees on tv and in magazines/catalogs. She has mentioned a ton of items, some that make sense to me and some that she evidently pulled out of her butt. She asked for a camera. This makes sense since she is always asking if she can use my camera to take pictures. She asked for an American Doll, which makes sense because we get American Doll catalogs in the mail (I don't know how we got on that mailing list, but we are). But then there are things like an Etch-A-Sketch and a Jack-in-the-Box and a Butterfly House (this is the girl that abhors all things that fly smaller than birds).
While I want to start buying and just get it over with, I worry that she will pull another Santa letter like last year. I thought I had gotten her things she wanted, and then when she had me write her letter to Santa, she named 1 thing that I had never heard her mention before. Since it was only 1 thing, I felt like she'd be disappointed if Santa didn't bring it.
I think I need to knock myself in the head with something metal to snap me out of this. My purpose in life is not to get N her heart's deepest 4-year-old desire for Christmas, especially when she changes her mind every 12 minutes about what her heart's deepest desire is.
And last year I bought her waaaayy too much. So this year Santa is bringing 1 gift and stocking stuffers, and Mommy and Daddy will give her one "big" gift and one "small" gift. Or that is the plan anyway. I'm thinking our big gift will be the camera, and the small gift will be a DVD or craft thing. I'm gonna wait until next month to nail her down on the Santa present.
G is easy because he doesn't know, and he doesn't care. So I can buy him bottles of Puffs, and he will be happy. I bought him a second-hand Little Tykes Coupe (for $20), which he has already sat in when I was downstairs in the office closet.
Apparently, I need a life since this is all I have to think about. (Better than stewing over wanting a 3rd child, I guess).
Tuesday, October 21, 2008
The truth
Here is something I hate to admit, but I know....I KNOW...other mothers have got to feel the same way, at least sometimes.
Right now, I like G more.
Mostly because he can't mouth off like the 4-year-old does.
I know when he is able to do so, I will not like him either.
G is simply at the stage I adore. He thinks everything is funny. He is easily distracted. He likes to give snuggles and kisses and hugs. He is a mass of fat (not gangly arms and legs that poke into my bones and hurt). He doesn't have an attitude or a tone. He is just developing his little personality but still has a babyish look about him. Wonderful stage of development.
I have lots of moments of the day when I like N, but there is always, always at least an hour of the day when I cannot tolerate her because of the attitude or the demands or the whining. God, the whining.
Today we had a mostly good day until about 5:30 when I gave G and N their baths. G loves his baths---splashes, plays, giggles. N hates her bath---cries, whines, fights, screams. And it just wears me the hell out emotionally. So after dealing with this for even 20 minutes, especially so late in the day, I am fed up, which means I have zero patience when she interrupts me talking to D. Or being under my feet when I am trying to get supper on the table.
And I hate it that I get so aggravated with her, but I simply can't help it. There it is, the ugly truth.
Fortunately, we were able to wrap up the evening well, reading books together and me telling her more of The Lord of the Rings (she's gonna be a sci-fi fool by the time D and I get done with her). And thank heavens for these redeeming moments because it is the worst feeling in the world to not like your own kid, even if it's only for an hour.
Right now, I like G more.
Mostly because he can't mouth off like the 4-year-old does.
I know when he is able to do so, I will not like him either.
G is simply at the stage I adore. He thinks everything is funny. He is easily distracted. He likes to give snuggles and kisses and hugs. He is a mass of fat (not gangly arms and legs that poke into my bones and hurt). He doesn't have an attitude or a tone. He is just developing his little personality but still has a babyish look about him. Wonderful stage of development.
I have lots of moments of the day when I like N, but there is always, always at least an hour of the day when I cannot tolerate her because of the attitude or the demands or the whining. God, the whining.
Today we had a mostly good day until about 5:30 when I gave G and N their baths. G loves his baths---splashes, plays, giggles. N hates her bath---cries, whines, fights, screams. And it just wears me the hell out emotionally. So after dealing with this for even 20 minutes, especially so late in the day, I am fed up, which means I have zero patience when she interrupts me talking to D. Or being under my feet when I am trying to get supper on the table.
And I hate it that I get so aggravated with her, but I simply can't help it. There it is, the ugly truth.
Fortunately, we were able to wrap up the evening well, reading books together and me telling her more of The Lord of the Rings (she's gonna be a sci-fi fool by the time D and I get done with her). And thank heavens for these redeeming moments because it is the worst feeling in the world to not like your own kid, even if it's only for an hour.
Friday, October 17, 2008
Former flames
I have been patting myself on the back a little bit lately for something that is seemingly unimportant but of which I feel proud.
Prior to marrying D, I dated maybe 10 guys, some more seriously than others. Now this doesn't count the stupid, barely preteen, at the pool relationships I had (those are totally forgettable).
And of those 10 guys I dated, I had more serious relationships with 5 of them. (Ok, I considered them more serious relationships either due to the intensity of the relationship (you can use your imagination here if you are on the dense side) or for the length of the relationship. It is quite possible, though, that the guys did not agree with my perspective).
One I saw when I was pregnant with N, and he didn't whop me in the face, which was considerate of him given how badly I dumped him when I was 19. My high school sweetheart got in touch with me by email a couple years ago, so I knew how he was doing and that he didn't hate me for breaking up with him during my freshman year of college. Another I saw at a church picnic a couple years back with his family and caught up.
But there were 2 gentlemen I hadn't heard from for many years, and FB helped me make contact. It was a little awkward, especially with one of them, because in that case I had been dumped by him and for many years felt like whopping him in the head should I ever have an occasion to see him.
Anyway, so now I have made contact with all of my more serious former flames and feel a sense of closure. I am over any lingering animosity I may have had due to an unhappy split and have moved on with my life, and they have done likewise. It wasn't like I was harboring any unhappy feelings, but it feels good to have reconnected and know that I am not on anyone's shit list from years past (which is good because I'm on shit lists from the more recent past of early 2008).
Hmmm, I must be channeling John Cusack from High Fidelity. Where is my cool background music?
Prior to marrying D, I dated maybe 10 guys, some more seriously than others. Now this doesn't count the stupid, barely preteen, at the pool relationships I had (those are totally forgettable).
And of those 10 guys I dated, I had more serious relationships with 5 of them. (Ok, I considered them more serious relationships either due to the intensity of the relationship (you can use your imagination here if you are on the dense side) or for the length of the relationship. It is quite possible, though, that the guys did not agree with my perspective).
One I saw when I was pregnant with N, and he didn't whop me in the face, which was considerate of him given how badly I dumped him when I was 19. My high school sweetheart got in touch with me by email a couple years ago, so I knew how he was doing and that he didn't hate me for breaking up with him during my freshman year of college. Another I saw at a church picnic a couple years back with his family and caught up.
But there were 2 gentlemen I hadn't heard from for many years, and FB helped me make contact. It was a little awkward, especially with one of them, because in that case I had been dumped by him and for many years felt like whopping him in the head should I ever have an occasion to see him.
Anyway, so now I have made contact with all of my more serious former flames and feel a sense of closure. I am over any lingering animosity I may have had due to an unhappy split and have moved on with my life, and they have done likewise. It wasn't like I was harboring any unhappy feelings, but it feels good to have reconnected and know that I am not on anyone's shit list from years past (which is good because I'm on shit lists from the more recent past of early 2008).
Hmmm, I must be channeling John Cusack from High Fidelity. Where is my cool background music?
Pet peeves
Ok, I must be getting close to having a menstrual cycle...I'm feeling snarky. Here are little things that are driving me nuts at the moment:
Back to pet peeves....
- People who get on Facebook but don't put a picture and only put that they live in Louisville but make their link public. Why did you bother to do it if you weren't going to put any interesting information for those of us who are bored and want to know about your life?
- People who get on Facebook and only put their MARRIED NAME. Hello, I didn't know you as a married person when we were in high school. How can I know who the heck ya are if you don't put your maiden name????
Back to pet peeves....
- Cat hair that gets into the tiniest little crevices of the stairs so that I actually need to take a metal nail file or something on that order to get it out.
- Cats that puke on the kitchen floor on Wednesday morning after I spent Tuesday evening mopping it after everyone else was in bed (I know it is Friday, but I'm still holding a grudge).
Book therapy
For my birthday, D bought me 2 books I had requested: You're a Good Mom (and your kids aren't so bad either) by Jen Singer and I Was A Really Good Mom before I Had Kids by Trisha Ashworth and Amy Nobile.
I have completed the Singer book and am working through the other. I really should have read these books while delivering N because, perhaps, they would have helped me slightly in my futile quest to be the world's most perfect mom (maybe I could have saved a copayment or two on therapy if I had). Or maybe not.
Like all moms, I am susceptible to the jealousy, judgment and guilt. Today, in fact, I went to a meeting at N's school to help plan the Halloween party and have had to do emotional gymnastics ever since I left to help myself remember that I really am ok with the person and mom I am.
I felt awkwardness when guiding another mom's child to be a little more gentle with G (because I don't know this mom and didn't want her to feel like I was harping on her kid), and I felt envy/judgment because another mom seemed just so on top of things....like how I used to be before I had kids. And while I accept these feelings, I also know that they waste alot of my valuable brain time.
It took me a loooooong time to feel happy doing what I'm doing, and I have a couple things that have helped my outlook:
I have completed the Singer book and am working through the other. I really should have read these books while delivering N because, perhaps, they would have helped me slightly in my futile quest to be the world's most perfect mom (maybe I could have saved a copayment or two on therapy if I had). Or maybe not.
Like all moms, I am susceptible to the jealousy, judgment and guilt. Today, in fact, I went to a meeting at N's school to help plan the Halloween party and have had to do emotional gymnastics ever since I left to help myself remember that I really am ok with the person and mom I am.
I felt awkwardness when guiding another mom's child to be a little more gentle with G (because I don't know this mom and didn't want her to feel like I was harping on her kid), and I felt envy/judgment because another mom seemed just so on top of things....like how I used to be before I had kids. And while I accept these feelings, I also know that they waste alot of my valuable brain time.
It took me a loooooong time to feel happy doing what I'm doing, and I have a couple things that have helped my outlook:
- I try to remember that this mom stuff is temporary. Qualification: this mom of little, needy kids is temporary. As my 70-year-old mother tells me, she still frets over me and my brother, but she doesn't have the daily backaches and headache associated with tending to little kids. N is to the point where a lot of mornings she gets up, gets dressed and heads downstairs to play while my ass is still in bed trying to get 3 more minutes before my alarm rings again.
- Parenting is frickin' hard.
- I like a challenge. For me, if it is easy, it really isn't worth doing. So parenting with all its frustrations and difficulties, satisfies a need I have....to fight, to work hard, to struggle.
- Nobody else knows what they are doing either.
Saturday, October 11, 2008
Stick with something
One of N's most annoying habits is the inability to play anything remotely interesting (in my opinion) for longer than 5 seconds. Doing an art/craft activity together lasts all of 2 minutes. She gives up or gets bored just as I'm getting interested. Running around the backyard playing soccer....after 63 seconds she is winded and tired.
When she wants to play Barbie castle and simply have her Barbies ring the doorbell and then be shoved through the front door, well this kind of fun lasts forever. I am bleary-eyed bored, begging her to do something else, but I try to give it at least 10-15 minutes (which is hard, I tell you).
I have come to the conclusion that I no longer meet her needs as a playmate, but she is stuck with me and I with her for the duration. When she was 2 and 3, the things I did were still novel. I could come up with fun ideas and she eagerly went along with them. And I only had her around. Bring on age 4 and baby brother, and mom has become BORING (and tired)!
Of course, friends her age don't always (or ever) meet her playing needs. She had a friend over on Thursday and N didn't seem to be satisfied with anything play-related then either. Her friend wanted to play Barbie castle, but N wasn't interested. Maybe it is because friends her age say "NO," while I usually go along with whatever goofy thing she wants to do out of sheer guilt and/or because I really don't care what preschool-type play/game we do (because I am a grown-up most of the time and wouldn't willingly do any of this stuff if my dear daughter wasn't asking).
Another thing I find frustrating is how she wants me to sit with her to watch kid shows (most of which I find dull because 1. I don't like tv, and 2. they are for children, and 3. after seeing them 45 trillion times, they just lose their charm even if they were funny or cute the first couple times.) But I sit with her and watch for a little bit. But after awhile I get my laptop and check my email, while sitting next to her on the couch.
Not good enough. She then leans on me, jabbing me with her elbows in an attempt to get my attention away from the email and onto either her or the tv (not sure which). I feel both aggravated and guilt-ridden. A part of me thinks, "Will you please stop touching me!!" and another part feels like cuddling her and giving her loads of attention because she is so ignored. I don't know if I will ever get over guilt for bringing her brother into the world and depriving her of my undivided attention. (Said with mostly sarcasm and a twinge of truth.)
I never thought I'd be ready for her to be in school full-time, but I think I am almost there. It just feels like what I provide for her in terms of interest isn't very interesting to her. And that makes me sad. Maybe it's just me or other stay-at-home moms, but I kinda got used to amply meeting all her needs. As a baby, her world revolved around me and my breasts. Eventually my breasts left the picture, and now the rest of me is leaving the picture. I know it is a good healthy thing, but it is a loss too, although a loss that is also, in some small way, a little bit of blessing because I get so, so tired of playing games that only other 4-year-olds would find fun.
When she wants to play Barbie castle and simply have her Barbies ring the doorbell and then be shoved through the front door, well this kind of fun lasts forever. I am bleary-eyed bored, begging her to do something else, but I try to give it at least 10-15 minutes (which is hard, I tell you).
I have come to the conclusion that I no longer meet her needs as a playmate, but she is stuck with me and I with her for the duration. When she was 2 and 3, the things I did were still novel. I could come up with fun ideas and she eagerly went along with them. And I only had her around. Bring on age 4 and baby brother, and mom has become BORING (and tired)!
Of course, friends her age don't always (or ever) meet her playing needs. She had a friend over on Thursday and N didn't seem to be satisfied with anything play-related then either. Her friend wanted to play Barbie castle, but N wasn't interested. Maybe it is because friends her age say "NO," while I usually go along with whatever goofy thing she wants to do out of sheer guilt and/or because I really don't care what preschool-type play/game we do (because I am a grown-up most of the time and wouldn't willingly do any of this stuff if my dear daughter wasn't asking).
Another thing I find frustrating is how she wants me to sit with her to watch kid shows (most of which I find dull because 1. I don't like tv, and 2. they are for children, and 3. after seeing them 45 trillion times, they just lose their charm even if they were funny or cute the first couple times.) But I sit with her and watch for a little bit. But after awhile I get my laptop and check my email, while sitting next to her on the couch.
Not good enough. She then leans on me, jabbing me with her elbows in an attempt to get my attention away from the email and onto either her or the tv (not sure which). I feel both aggravated and guilt-ridden. A part of me thinks, "Will you please stop touching me!!" and another part feels like cuddling her and giving her loads of attention because she is so ignored. I don't know if I will ever get over guilt for bringing her brother into the world and depriving her of my undivided attention. (Said with mostly sarcasm and a twinge of truth.)
I never thought I'd be ready for her to be in school full-time, but I think I am almost there. It just feels like what I provide for her in terms of interest isn't very interesting to her. And that makes me sad. Maybe it's just me or other stay-at-home moms, but I kinda got used to amply meeting all her needs. As a baby, her world revolved around me and my breasts. Eventually my breasts left the picture, and now the rest of me is leaving the picture. I know it is a good healthy thing, but it is a loss too, although a loss that is also, in some small way, a little bit of blessing because I get so, so tired of playing games that only other 4-year-olds would find fun.
What mamma will try to avoid tubes
G has another double ear infection. DAMMIT! I knew something was wrong when he slept last night straight through from 7:30 pm to 6:30 am. Most normal kids keep their parents awake at night when they are sick and sleep better when they are well. I'm just gonna blame all the weird shit G does his entire life on me taking antidepressants while pregnant.
The pediatrician told me we are in the gray area of ear infections and tubes, as in, he's not shipping us off to an ENT, but there's not a whole lot to be done given the family history of ear problems, sinus issues and allergies. I guess this is one time when I'm happy to be middling.
He did suggest I try JuicePlus with G, after I told him I will try anything to avoid tubes. It is pretty expensive, but given our way high deductible, it is probably a bargain if it works. JuicePlus is basically like 17 dehydrated fruits/veggies crammed into capsules or gummies. I figure I can give it a whirl, maybe give G the full dose since he's the sickly one, and give N half doses. I told D it is supposed to give more energy, so he is all for taking it as well. We get rid of Directv to save some dough, and then I get my whole family hooked on JuicePlus.
I am such a sucker for health-promoting fads. Back when I got Prevention mag, my blood pressure would go up while reading because I would think, "I need to eat 40 more fruits/veggies a day, and exercise 200 times a week, and get every known scan known to man to ensure that I am the healthiest person on the face of the Earth." And JuicePlus is kinda on that same order, like the most perfect thing one can do to promote one's health (or at least that is the way it is advertised). So it feeds into my health anxieties as well as my obsessiveness. I am totally gung-ho and ready to purchase a lifetime supply, pinning all of my hopes on these little capsules keeping G from every getting another ear infection. (And it will also allow me and mine to live forever in state of permanent youthfulness.)
But, courtesy of my meds and therapy, there is the more realistic, non-anxious, non-obsessive side of me that says, "Try it for 4 months and see how it goes. It might help G from getting so many ear infections or not. But try it. And don't expect a magic bullet."
So I am trying to temper my enthusiasm and hope with a decent shot of reality. I am willing to give JuicePlus a whirl. I am not willing to sell my husband for the night to some really rich chick in Las Vegas for a million bucks. Or am I? Hmmmmm. A million bucks would buy a lot of JuicePlus.
The pediatrician told me we are in the gray area of ear infections and tubes, as in, he's not shipping us off to an ENT, but there's not a whole lot to be done given the family history of ear problems, sinus issues and allergies. I guess this is one time when I'm happy to be middling.
He did suggest I try JuicePlus with G, after I told him I will try anything to avoid tubes. It is pretty expensive, but given our way high deductible, it is probably a bargain if it works. JuicePlus is basically like 17 dehydrated fruits/veggies crammed into capsules or gummies. I figure I can give it a whirl, maybe give G the full dose since he's the sickly one, and give N half doses. I told D it is supposed to give more energy, so he is all for taking it as well. We get rid of Directv to save some dough, and then I get my whole family hooked on JuicePlus.
I am such a sucker for health-promoting fads. Back when I got Prevention mag, my blood pressure would go up while reading because I would think, "I need to eat 40 more fruits/veggies a day, and exercise 200 times a week, and get every known scan known to man to ensure that I am the healthiest person on the face of the Earth." And JuicePlus is kinda on that same order, like the most perfect thing one can do to promote one's health (or at least that is the way it is advertised). So it feeds into my health anxieties as well as my obsessiveness. I am totally gung-ho and ready to purchase a lifetime supply, pinning all of my hopes on these little capsules keeping G from every getting another ear infection. (And it will also allow me and mine to live forever in state of permanent youthfulness.)
But, courtesy of my meds and therapy, there is the more realistic, non-anxious, non-obsessive side of me that says, "Try it for 4 months and see how it goes. It might help G from getting so many ear infections or not. But try it. And don't expect a magic bullet."
So I am trying to temper my enthusiasm and hope with a decent shot of reality. I am willing to give JuicePlus a whirl. I am not willing to sell my husband for the night to some really rich chick in Las Vegas for a million bucks. Or am I? Hmmmmm. A million bucks would buy a lot of JuicePlus.
Friday, October 10, 2008
The Fall...and Phoenix Rising
It is clear to me now that I have long dealt with Obsessive/Compulsive Disorder and Generalized Anxiety Disorder (GAD). For most of my life, though, I just thought I was 1. a depressed and depressing kind of person.
2. a very, very, very exceptionally talented worrywart.
I had classic symptoms of OCD---constant handwashing, germaphobia to the nth degree, rechecking door locks, thinking I'd possibly hit someone with my car and then turning the car around to check---but none of them caused me any problems. The handwashing exacerbated my eczema, but no big.
My biggest challenge was controlling everything in my life. If you looked up the definition of Type A, you saw my face. But I managed, and quite well. Was gainfully employed. Completed my Master's Degree. Was a successful teacher.
Ahhh, but then my life spiraled out of control in the way nature intends: I had a baby. And along with birthing my daughter I gave birth to all the weird, irrational and completely unattainable ideals I had of motherhood. The beginning of the end.
For nearly 6 months, I coped. Not well, but I coped. I worried alot, and I second-guessed myself, and I spent all of my time trying to live up to a standard of motherhood in my head that was darn near impossible. But I was in utter and absolute love with my kid. Shortly after my daughter's 6 month birthday, things went drastically downhill. I started N on solid food (and I now know my body doesn't handle changes in breastfeeding hormones well at all), and developed a ductal yeast infection and mastitis in the same breast.
And then, I stopped being able to sleep. Soon after, I stopped being able to eat. My weight dropped to 112 lbs. I remember thinking I just wanted to take N with me to an emergency room and say, "I don't know what is wrong but something is WRONG! Please help me" But I was scared that I would be considered an unfit mother.
Eventually, I made D call my primary care doctor and tell her, "If you don't see my wife TODAY, she will end up in the hospital." Because I could see the brickwall, and if I didn't get some help ASAP, I was gonna hit it.
Within 3 weeks time, I was on medication and in therapy (not the proper dose of medication, but enough to keep me semi-functional). I was able to sleep, able to eat, but not myself, not calm, not happy.
I weaned N when she was a year old. Three months later, I started having "intrusive thoughts." As I was carrying N down the steps, I would picture myself tripping and her tumbling out of my arms down the stairs. When I saw plastic grocery bags in the garage, I would picture N with one over her face and her suffocating. When I handled a knife to cut an apple, I would picture myself stabbing N with it.
And I was having these thoughts nonstop....all day long. Another call made and a psychiatrist appointment scheduled. Fortunately, by this time, I had read enough about postpartum mood disorders to know that I wasn't off my head nuts, but that my medication wasn't cutting it.
It was at this point that I was diagnosed with OCD and GAD. The intrusive thoughts I had been having were typical for folks with OCD. The incessant worry---classic GAD. Yes, having N had spiraled them out of control, but they were there prior to her birth. It was like a deep sigh when I realized so many of my "issues" of the past had a name, had a cause.
It took a long time to adjust to my newly diagnosed, medicated self. It felt like a failing. I require medication for my brain to function properly. Maybe I shouldn't have ever become a mom? Maybe I shouldn't become a mom to anyone else ever again?
But time, and therapy, and self-reflection have made me strong again. I did become a mom again, and I know I am a good enough mom. Not perfect, some days not great. Some days I am just barely mediocre, but most days I am a good mom. And I talked about my situation A LOT. For a long time, I felt like I needed to confess my failing (like AA, "I'm Carrie, and I have OCD and GAD.") And then it became my way of helping other people....because I found it made me feel loads better when I knew other people had experienced similar things and come out the other side stronger, better, more 6 Million Dollar Womanish than before.
So from my ashes, I was made whole again. And wholeness feels really good.
2. a very, very, very exceptionally talented worrywart.
I had classic symptoms of OCD---constant handwashing, germaphobia to the nth degree, rechecking door locks, thinking I'd possibly hit someone with my car and then turning the car around to check---but none of them caused me any problems. The handwashing exacerbated my eczema, but no big.
My biggest challenge was controlling everything in my life. If you looked up the definition of Type A, you saw my face. But I managed, and quite well. Was gainfully employed. Completed my Master's Degree. Was a successful teacher.
Ahhh, but then my life spiraled out of control in the way nature intends: I had a baby. And along with birthing my daughter I gave birth to all the weird, irrational and completely unattainable ideals I had of motherhood. The beginning of the end.
For nearly 6 months, I coped. Not well, but I coped. I worried alot, and I second-guessed myself, and I spent all of my time trying to live up to a standard of motherhood in my head that was darn near impossible. But I was in utter and absolute love with my kid. Shortly after my daughter's 6 month birthday, things went drastically downhill. I started N on solid food (and I now know my body doesn't handle changes in breastfeeding hormones well at all), and developed a ductal yeast infection and mastitis in the same breast.
And then, I stopped being able to sleep. Soon after, I stopped being able to eat. My weight dropped to 112 lbs. I remember thinking I just wanted to take N with me to an emergency room and say, "I don't know what is wrong but something is WRONG! Please help me" But I was scared that I would be considered an unfit mother.
Eventually, I made D call my primary care doctor and tell her, "If you don't see my wife TODAY, she will end up in the hospital." Because I could see the brickwall, and if I didn't get some help ASAP, I was gonna hit it.
Within 3 weeks time, I was on medication and in therapy (not the proper dose of medication, but enough to keep me semi-functional). I was able to sleep, able to eat, but not myself, not calm, not happy.
I weaned N when she was a year old. Three months later, I started having "intrusive thoughts." As I was carrying N down the steps, I would picture myself tripping and her tumbling out of my arms down the stairs. When I saw plastic grocery bags in the garage, I would picture N with one over her face and her suffocating. When I handled a knife to cut an apple, I would picture myself stabbing N with it.
And I was having these thoughts nonstop....all day long. Another call made and a psychiatrist appointment scheduled. Fortunately, by this time, I had read enough about postpartum mood disorders to know that I wasn't off my head nuts, but that my medication wasn't cutting it.
It was at this point that I was diagnosed with OCD and GAD. The intrusive thoughts I had been having were typical for folks with OCD. The incessant worry---classic GAD. Yes, having N had spiraled them out of control, but they were there prior to her birth. It was like a deep sigh when I realized so many of my "issues" of the past had a name, had a cause.
It took a long time to adjust to my newly diagnosed, medicated self. It felt like a failing. I require medication for my brain to function properly. Maybe I shouldn't have ever become a mom? Maybe I shouldn't become a mom to anyone else ever again?
But time, and therapy, and self-reflection have made me strong again. I did become a mom again, and I know I am a good enough mom. Not perfect, some days not great. Some days I am just barely mediocre, but most days I am a good mom. And I talked about my situation A LOT. For a long time, I felt like I needed to confess my failing (like AA, "I'm Carrie, and I have OCD and GAD.") And then it became my way of helping other people....because I found it made me feel loads better when I knew other people had experienced similar things and come out the other side stronger, better, more 6 Million Dollar Womanish than before.
So from my ashes, I was made whole again. And wholeness feels really good.
Monday, October 6, 2008
Funny stuff by N and G
Here's what my kids have been up to:
1. I took the kids to Once Upon a Child today to find cheap shoes to paint and decorate so N can wear them with her Nana-made Princess Jasmine costume for Halloween. While I was rummaging through the shoes bins, G was making friends. He has just learned how to kiss (you know, the big open-mouthed puckers that only babies can make), and he was apparently practicing on this little 2-year-old girl who was next to him. And she was obliging him. Harlot!
2. This afternoon, G managed to find the Saf-T-pop I have hidden in my bag, tear the plastic off it, and start sucking away. This after tossing every one of N's markers onto the floor.
3. Yesterday as we pulled into Mamaw's neighborhood, I pointed out an Obama sign to N (since she has been all about the election). When I told her it said, "Obama for President" she was initially excited (eyes wide, mouth open). Within seconds, though, she started poo-poohing Obama, saying that she is gonna vote for John McCain (she even put a check next to his picture in her Weekly Reader).
4. Early this morning, N woke me up because she had had a bad dream. It seems she dreamed her dance class was on stage getting ready to perform in front of a bunch of people, and it scared her. It's good to know I won't be forking over $65 for a recital costume.
1. I took the kids to Once Upon a Child today to find cheap shoes to paint and decorate so N can wear them with her Nana-made Princess Jasmine costume for Halloween. While I was rummaging through the shoes bins, G was making friends. He has just learned how to kiss (you know, the big open-mouthed puckers that only babies can make), and he was apparently practicing on this little 2-year-old girl who was next to him. And she was obliging him. Harlot!
2. This afternoon, G managed to find the Saf-T-pop I have hidden in my bag, tear the plastic off it, and start sucking away. This after tossing every one of N's markers onto the floor.
3. Yesterday as we pulled into Mamaw's neighborhood, I pointed out an Obama sign to N (since she has been all about the election). When I told her it said, "Obama for President" she was initially excited (eyes wide, mouth open). Within seconds, though, she started poo-poohing Obama, saying that she is gonna vote for John McCain (she even put a check next to his picture in her Weekly Reader).
4. Early this morning, N woke me up because she had had a bad dream. It seems she dreamed her dance class was on stage getting ready to perform in front of a bunch of people, and it scared her. It's good to know I won't be forking over $65 for a recital costume.
Saturday, October 4, 2008
To import or not?
I disabled the Notes on my facebook page from importing my blog posts because I had either a temporary loss of guts or a temporary surgence of conscience.
You see I had an idea for a post. The topic was how I wished more parents at N's preschool would send in fruits & veggies for snacks. I probably wouldn't have actually been able to make an entire blog post about this topic, but it got me stewing nonetheless.
I started worrying whether blogging this would tick someone off, namely some of the parents at N's school who are my "friends" on facebook. Would they think I was being overly critical? Would they think I was a butt-kisser because the teachers list fresh fruits & veggies as preferred snacks? Would they think I was making a judgment about them if they send crackers & cheese or Goldfish?
And then I got a surge of testosterone or something and said, "Dammit, I'm gonna write what I want and think what I want." If N gets a fruit or veggie at school, this is one less battle I have to have with her about eating a fruit or veggie. And she is waaaaay more likely to eat something nutritious at school than with me....peer pressure and all (and no other food options unlike at home). So what is the harm in me wishing that more parents would send in fruits or veggies and blogging about it?
Well, I guess I did manage to write a post all about wishing parents would send in fruits & veggies. How riveting. And the Notes app has now been reinstalled and will soon be importing this post. I don't think I'd ever make it in the big, mean world of real publishing, sissy that I am.
You see I had an idea for a post. The topic was how I wished more parents at N's preschool would send in fruits & veggies for snacks. I probably wouldn't have actually been able to make an entire blog post about this topic, but it got me stewing nonetheless.
I started worrying whether blogging this would tick someone off, namely some of the parents at N's school who are my "friends" on facebook. Would they think I was being overly critical? Would they think I was a butt-kisser because the teachers list fresh fruits & veggies as preferred snacks? Would they think I was making a judgment about them if they send crackers & cheese or Goldfish?
And then I got a surge of testosterone or something and said, "Dammit, I'm gonna write what I want and think what I want." If N gets a fruit or veggie at school, this is one less battle I have to have with her about eating a fruit or veggie. And she is waaaaay more likely to eat something nutritious at school than with me....peer pressure and all (and no other food options unlike at home). So what is the harm in me wishing that more parents would send in fruits or veggies and blogging about it?
Well, I guess I did manage to write a post all about wishing parents would send in fruits & veggies. How riveting. And the Notes app has now been reinstalled and will soon be importing this post. I don't think I'd ever make it in the big, mean world of real publishing, sissy that I am.
Friday, October 3, 2008
Hayride Fun (and sweet mommy memories)
Today we went on a hayride to the pumpkin patch with our MOMS Club. The last time we did this at this particular farm was October 10, 2005 when N was about 18 months old. I went back and found some of the photos I had taken then. It astounds me how grown-up N is at 4 years.
2005
2008
N got to see some friends from former playgroups. They darted all the way across the pumpkin patch forcing all their moms to haul ass to retrieve them (because they were apparently too enthralled with pumpkins to hear us hollering for them).
2005
2008
2005
One of my all-time favorite photos of N.
I know I am terribly biased, but I just think she is beautiful in this picture.
Aged 4 years
(she's pretty cute in this one too)
G was unimpressed. I gave him a lollipop to keep him good and occupied. He did like seeing the chickens at the petting zoo and tried to feed them his banana. He'll have more fun next year.
P.S. Yes, I know G looks like a male version of N. My recessive-gene babies.
2005
2008N got to see some friends from former playgroups. They darted all the way across the pumpkin patch forcing all their moms to haul ass to retrieve them (because they were apparently too enthralled with pumpkins to hear us hollering for them).
2005
2008
2005One of my all-time favorite photos of N.
I know I am terribly biased, but I just think she is beautiful in this picture.
Aged 4 years(she's pretty cute in this one too)
G was unimpressed. I gave him a lollipop to keep him good and occupied. He did like seeing the chickens at the petting zoo and tried to feed them his banana. He'll have more fun next year.
P.S. Yes, I know G looks like a male version of N. My recessive-gene babies.
Thursday, October 2, 2008
Things a big boy does
* G's party was typical 1-year-old fare. He didn't care a durn about any of it, although he really likes all the cars he got. N and his 3 older cousins opened most of his gifts and provided most of the noise/entertainment. When it came time to do the cake, G grabbed the cake, getting bright yellow icing all over his paws, proceeded to smack my nephew in the ear with his icing hands, and then wouldn't have a thing to do with his cake. Cried until I gave him some blueberries. Weird kid.
* He isn't much on baby signs, but he is vocalizing enough that I am understanding him. He screams "Aaaaaaaah" for cat and "Daaaaaawwwww" for dog (today he saw a dog at the park and screamed "Daaaaawww" the entire walk from our car to the dog, which took forever on his little legs). He clicks his tongue when he wants to eat. He says "Mama" and "Daddy." And he has tried to say "Nite, nite," which sounds like "Niy, Niy."
* Has cut his first molar (man....what a bitch that was).
* Annoying habit #1-- when I give him food that he doesn't want he takes his hand and waves the food off his tray, launching it across the room. Aggghhhhh! I just mopped, dammit! N was a dainty little eater, and G is a caveman.
* He isn't much on baby signs, but he is vocalizing enough that I am understanding him. He screams "Aaaaaaaah" for cat and "Daaaaaawwwww" for dog (today he saw a dog at the park and screamed "Daaaaawww" the entire walk from our car to the dog, which took forever on his little legs). He clicks his tongue when he wants to eat. He says "Mama" and "Daddy." And he has tried to say "Nite, nite," which sounds like "Niy, Niy."
* Has cut his first molar (man....what a bitch that was).
* Annoying habit #1-- when I give him food that he doesn't want he takes his hand and waves the food off his tray, launching it across the room. Aggghhhhh! I just mopped, dammit! N was a dainty little eater, and G is a caveman.
A traitor in our midst
Every week N and her classmates do a Weekly Reader, and this week the topic was the presidential election. When she came home yesterday she launched into a discussion of the election. Usually N is pretty tight-lipped about school, but she was talking my ear off.
First she had to tell me that she voted for the Alligator song (the kids had to vote for either the Alligator song or the Hippopotamus song). She explained how she whispered her choice into her teacher's ear.
Then she told me about the guy who won't be president anymore, and the 2 guys who want to be president. "One is dark, and the other is light," she said. She informed me that everyone gets to vote: kids, mommies, daddies, and "even God."
She threw in that there are 43 bathrooms in the White House, although D thinks she might have gotten something confused with how many presidents we have had in US history.
Today when she brought the Weekly Reader home, she showed me how she had checked off John McCain as her selection for president because "he's light, just like us." I told her that we vote based on who we think will make a better president, not based on their looks. D asked her if she would rather vote for Shrek or Lord Farquad for president. She immediately said Shrek but then said she would sing "I feel connected" (a song from the new Barbie and the Diamond Castle DVD) so he would turn into a boy. Appearance problem solved!
She spent a good portion of time practicing saying "Barack Obama" and "John McCain" this evening. She was so proud that she could remember them.
Thank goodness we have our little Republican to make the election even more interesting than it already is.
First she had to tell me that she voted for the Alligator song (the kids had to vote for either the Alligator song or the Hippopotamus song). She explained how she whispered her choice into her teacher's ear.
Then she told me about the guy who won't be president anymore, and the 2 guys who want to be president. "One is dark, and the other is light," she said. She informed me that everyone gets to vote: kids, mommies, daddies, and "even God."
She threw in that there are 43 bathrooms in the White House, although D thinks she might have gotten something confused with how many presidents we have had in US history.
Today when she brought the Weekly Reader home, she showed me how she had checked off John McCain as her selection for president because "he's light, just like us." I told her that we vote based on who we think will make a better president, not based on their looks. D asked her if she would rather vote for Shrek or Lord Farquad for president. She immediately said Shrek but then said she would sing "I feel connected" (a song from the new Barbie and the Diamond Castle DVD) so he would turn into a boy. Appearance problem solved!
She spent a good portion of time practicing saying "Barack Obama" and "John McCain" this evening. She was so proud that she could remember them.
Thank goodness we have our little Republican to make the election even more interesting than it already is.
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