Ok, so I've had a little time to start a dialogue in my head about this whole breech thing.
I don't know how other women feel upon learning their baby is breech and that they will maybe have to undergo a cesarean. Maybe they take it in stride and aren't that upset about it, but I take nothing in stride.
What I feel like doing is laying down on the floor and throwing a big ass tantrum. Dammit!! Why this? This isn't what I wanted or expected!!!!! I am so pissed that life is not doing exactly what I want it to do!!!!
I guess therapy has done something for me because I never realized how 3-year-old-ish those thoughts sound. But isn't everyone somewhere, deep down, at least on occasion a whiny, egocentric 3-year-old? I know I can't be the only one. And really, I'm so angry and disappointed I don't care if I'm the only one....which only goes to show how immaturely I am taking all this.
So my rebuttal to my inner preschooler is that what I really want most is a healthy baby. And a c-section is not the end of the world. And I will cope.
BUT cesareans scare me for a myriad of reasons. The spinal, the idea of being awake during major surgery, the fact that it is entirely clinical and not remotely "natural," the fact that I won't get to hold G immediately because he'll have to be examined by the doctors, the fact that my recovery will be longer and certainly more painful than when I had N, the discomforts of nursing with abdominal incisions, the fact that I won't be able to drive or lift things or whatever other restrictions will be on me post-delivery. There is NOTHING about a c-section that I like.
A part of me is determined to try everything I can to get him to turn, but another part of me feels so defeated, like "Why bother? You can do all this stuff and still end up having to have a c-section."
I have thought that given all the recent medical misfortune related to my family in the last month, I wouldn't trade a vaginal birth for my dad being clear of melanoma, so I guess I do still have some sense about me.
I cannot believe my job is to guide my 3-year-old in weathering life's disappointments when I do such a piss-poor job of it myself.
2 comments:
You poor thing. I think it's perfectly natural to react like a pre-schooler occasionally...that's why sometimes I get extreme satisfaction out of throwing something across the room when I'm frustrated. I DOES make me feel better...even if I feel foolish afterward.
You will have a healthy baby. Here's my opinion that you didn't ask for...Go ahead and try the exersizes, etc. to try and turn G. Then you'll know you did what you could...and maybe it will even work! But open your mind to the C-section as well. It's not ideal, but I guess as a mother you gotta do what you gotta do, right?
All that said, I STILL have mini-tantrums that I'm pregnant again...ain't nothing that makes me feel better about it (even thought people do it all the time and you gotta do what you gotta do).
I'll be thinking of you! And sending "Turn, baby, turn" thought to G.
There's hope. My BF went in at 37 weeks and her baby was breech. They scheduled an ECV for the next week and when went she went in for it, the baby had turned on her own:)
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