An algebraic birth

If x=2 and y=3 but your baby is breech, then 2x - 14y= too many unknowns and a head that is about to implode with all the possibilities, choices and decisions.

With N's delivery, I agonized to death over being induced at 41 weeks. Now I realize how easy I had it then when compared to what a breech baby does to the decision-making process.

Since Sep 14th, I have been reading tons and tons and tons of info about external cephalic version (ECV--manual turning of the baby), chiropractic turning of babies, various other turning methods, induction/cervical readiness, and c-section delivery.

It would be sooooo much easier if I was just the type of person who said, "Schedule a c-section," but I am not.

Unfortunately, I am also not the type of person who is willing to go to the other end of the spectrum and investigate every single avenue which might also be easier because then I would feel that I had, no holds barred, done EVERYTHING a human being could do to help ensure a natural vaginal delivery. I would have exhausted every single possibility.

But I feel most comfortable in the middle ground-- I have a fairly risk averse personality and a certain amount of laziness.

There are lengths to which I am not willing to go, and that is a quality of life issue on two fronts: psychological and logistical. I have spent too much of my life driving myself crazy trying to "make" things my way. Sometimes putting loads of effort and frustration into something is worthwhile, and sometimes it is futile, and I have only recently learned and begun to accept that this can be the case in life.

Maybe I feel this way because I had a nearly perfect birth with N so on some level my need for this has been fulfilled? Maybe I feel this way because I am on my meds and they keep me from obsessing too much? Maybe because this time around I understand the most important thing is a healthy baby? Maybe all of the above?

So this middle ground leaves me with ALOT of unknowns and possible decisions.

KNOWN : Try to do an ECV.
UNKNOWNS: Do I have an epidural during ECV or not? If I have an epidural during ECV and it is successful, then I lose the ability to walk and squat and do all those good things to get labor running better so will I then be more likely to have a c-section as a result of failure to progress? If I don't have the epidural, will the ECV be painful and perhaps be less likely to result in a turn? If the ECV works, do I have an amniotomy or have them use pitocin? Will an amniotomy maybe mean the labor kicks in better or will it only start me on the "infection zone time limits to labor" path?
POSSIBILITIES: Leave after a successful ECV and wait for labor to start on its own (but could that mean the baby could flip back to breech position and then I'd have to do another ECV or be told "you lost your chance, now it is c-section time.") Leave after a successful ECV and something possibly happen to the baby as a result of placenta problems or cord issues that might not show up for a day or two? Not leave after a successful ECV and be induced and then have to deal with all the issues of being induced (see above).

And as I muddle through these thoughts and questions, I keep wondering, "Maybe there is a reason the baby is breech" (aside from my pelvis being out of whack). "Maybe he knows something I don't," which is certainly possible because the older I get the clearer it is that I know nothing about everything.

I don't really mean what I am about to say because it is really, really not what I want, but there is a teensy part of me that almost hopes that the ECV isn't successful as a result of fetal distress so that I have no choice but to have a c-section. The decisions would be taken out of my hands. NEVER, NEVER, NEVER have I ever had a thought like this, and anyone who knows me even a little bit well knows this is a totally un-Carrie-like statement. I get it at this moment that there can be peace in surrender.

For perhaps the first time in my life I feel the exhaustion that comes with pushing for what I may not be able to control. So when do I stop pushing? And even if most of my brain and heart accepts where I stop pushing, there is that doubtful part of myself that says, "You could do more...you didn't try x,y,z...you gave up too easily."

And I have to ask myself then: Is it really giving up? I like to think with this birth I am making decisions that my head and heart can agree on in the health interests of my baby and the psychological interests of myself. After spending so many years in an obsessive quest for control of every facet of my life and finally getting off that treadmill, I can't willingly get back on.