Well, as much as I hate to admit it, my demons are rearing their heads again. I had hoped my medication would prevent any weirdness, but I think the stress of a new baby coupled with breastfeeding difficulties and lack of sleep are taking their toll.
I have my psychiatrist appointment in 3 weeks but realized I need more immediate help so I'm starting back into therapy this coming week.
D has been instructed that his role is a cheerleader, reminding me that I'll get through this and things will get better, yada-yada-yada. He and my mom are both concerned because I am obsessing about breastfeeding and getting back into the mindset of "everything for the benefit of my kids even if it is to the detriment of myself."
I am really struggling with nursing, and I'm not sure if it is because G has the jaws of death munching on my breast tissue or because my skin is so ultra sensitive (or a combo of these). I see a lactation consultant at my ob practice on Tuesday a.m. for help. Regardless, the pain I feel triggers unhealthy, negative thinking.
I want to nurse for 6 months (preferably more, but I'll feel like a champ if I can go that long), but I fear that I will continue to feel such extreme pain and will want to give G formula and then feel like the world's worst mom for giving up breastfeeding. In my head formula equals poison, which I realize is TOTALLY irrational, but that is my mind for ya.
So I am stuck right now in a cycle of pain, fear of wanting to quit nursing, guilt over possibly stopping nursing before 6 months, and sadness over the whole thing (the pain, the fear and the guilt). And the worst thing is that I do recognize that if I did decide to give up nursing it would be after doing everything in my power to salvage it and would only be done because I simply couldn't stand the pain anymore. But that doesn't make a difference to the rest of my head (the nutso part that is much stronger right now that the reasonable part). The only thing that matters to the nutso part is that I would have quit (and thereby let my son down).
None of these thoughts are healthy but that is what my mind does to me. I have felt myself slipping back into depression and hopelessness. I should have known some kinda shit would hit the fan because I coped really well with having a c-section. I am clearly not coping well with nursing or mothering 2 children. I am in a constant state of guilt right now, over what I have done, what I have failed to do, and what I may either do wrong or fail to do in the future. I thought I had worked through a lot of this stuff after N's birth, but I clearly have some more emotional and mental housekeeping to do.
I have my psychiatrist appointment in 3 weeks but realized I need more immediate help so I'm starting back into therapy this coming week.
D has been instructed that his role is a cheerleader, reminding me that I'll get through this and things will get better, yada-yada-yada. He and my mom are both concerned because I am obsessing about breastfeeding and getting back into the mindset of "everything for the benefit of my kids even if it is to the detriment of myself."
I am really struggling with nursing, and I'm not sure if it is because G has the jaws of death munching on my breast tissue or because my skin is so ultra sensitive (or a combo of these). I see a lactation consultant at my ob practice on Tuesday a.m. for help. Regardless, the pain I feel triggers unhealthy, negative thinking.
I want to nurse for 6 months (preferably more, but I'll feel like a champ if I can go that long), but I fear that I will continue to feel such extreme pain and will want to give G formula and then feel like the world's worst mom for giving up breastfeeding. In my head formula equals poison, which I realize is TOTALLY irrational, but that is my mind for ya.
So I am stuck right now in a cycle of pain, fear of wanting to quit nursing, guilt over possibly stopping nursing before 6 months, and sadness over the whole thing (the pain, the fear and the guilt). And the worst thing is that I do recognize that if I did decide to give up nursing it would be after doing everything in my power to salvage it and would only be done because I simply couldn't stand the pain anymore. But that doesn't make a difference to the rest of my head (the nutso part that is much stronger right now that the reasonable part). The only thing that matters to the nutso part is that I would have quit (and thereby let my son down).
None of these thoughts are healthy but that is what my mind does to me. I have felt myself slipping back into depression and hopelessness. I should have known some kinda shit would hit the fan because I coped really well with having a c-section. I am clearly not coping well with nursing or mothering 2 children. I am in a constant state of guilt right now, over what I have done, what I have failed to do, and what I may either do wrong or fail to do in the future. I thought I had worked through a lot of this stuff after N's birth, but I clearly have some more emotional and mental housekeeping to do.
2 comments:
Ahhhh, the joys of breastfeeding! I'm sorry it's not been easier for you the second time around. I guess each baby comes out chomping differently, eh? And just as we try to figure out the whole nursing frustration, our hormones are ripping around wildly. Not one of Mother Nature's better thought out plans.
If only wet nurses were still en vogue.
I'm thinking of you. Hang in there!
I am sorry that breastfeeding is not going as smoothly as you hoped. I can totally relate to the guilt/pain issues associated with breastfeeding.
I weaned A.C. at six weeks because my nipples were literally falling apart. I was filled with not only guilt but grief. But, here she is nine years later healthy, intelligent, and securely bonded to me.
When G came along she was an easier nurser, but I had all the issues with repeat cases of mastitis. With her I was able to take things just one day at a time. I would tell myself I can do this for one more day and before long those days strung together for months until I reached my goal.
I too obsessed over the issue of breastfeeding and felt the overwhelming feelings of guilt for wanting to stop. In the end, you have to make the decision that is best not only for the baby, but for yourself too.
I certainly don't know what the best decision for you will be, but I can say I have two kids - one breastfed for only six weeks and one breastfed for over a year. They are both happy, healthy, intelligent, attached children(or at least I as their unbiased mother thinks so).
So, add another cheerleader to the group to keep Dean company- everything really will be okay!
Take of yourself so that you can take of your beautiful family.
Susan
P.S. I thought I'd also mention the possibility of pumping. A good friend of mine did this for over a year because nursing her third was unbearably painful. Just a thought.
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