Breaking my formulaic thinking

Here is the thing about OCD (and anyone who has watched Monk episodes will understand): People with OCD tend to be very extreme thinkers, as in things have to be either "this way" or "that way." There isn't comfort in the middle, in the muddle. For example, Monk's household items (cups, frames, utensils) have to be just a certain way...the way he finds comfort and order in them, and if they get out of that "just so" order, he freaks out.

My utensils don't have to be lined up perfectly in my kitchen drawer and my hangars don't have to face the same direction, but where I get very "rigid" relates to certain ideals I have relating to children, childrearing and parenting. Some of these have been blown wide open since my nervous breakdown in 2004 and some I am still working through.

For example, with N, I was hell bent on natural unmedicated childbirth. I was obsessed with it. There was no compromise in my head---I couldn't accept or tolerate the idea of ANY intervention. No breaking waters, no stripping members, no shot of demerol, no forceps, no internal monitoring--nothing that would veer my experience from the ideal in my head...because the ideal was safe and comforting. Now with G, given his breech position, I had to accept the possibility of a c-section and that was the reality. I don't have any unresolved, upset feelings about this.

So here is the one I am working on, although with a breakthrough under my belt.

With N, I was, again, hell-bent on breastfeeding for at least a year, and actually I said I wanted to nurse for 2 years. We had a rocky start, but then things were golden until she was about 7-8 months old. I developed a yeast infection and mastitis in the right breast at the same time and then began experiencing eczema issues on my right nipple (no wonder the poor thing doesn't work as well now). I had never pushed the bottle with N and didn't try formula with her until all my breastfeeding problems started, and she wouldn't have any part of it. So I felt trapped and anxious. How is my baby going to get her nutrition if I can't nurse her? So I nursed in pain from October to February, eventually just letting my right breast dry up and only nursing with my leftie. I was so glad to wean her 2 weeks before her 1st birthday.

So along comes G and I started experiencing nipple pain (worse with rightie) and all of those feelings of entrapment come back. How am I gonna nurse him for 6 months in pain? And maybe feeling all that anxiety was affecting my milk supply (or maybe boys just eat more than girls)? I just felt like G wasn't being fully satisfied by nursing and my poor nipples just can't tolerate him nursing and nursing and nursing (I guess these would be cluster feeds).

So Friday night, after nursing G from 9pm until after midnight and him still not being satisfied, I let D give him 2 oz of formula, after which G fell sound asleep and was happy. Now D felt great giving him a bottle--finally he can satisfy a need the child has. And there I stood watching my baby take a bottle of formula SOBBING. Having to leave the room numerous times to go blow my nose because I just felt awful. And then after getting G off to sleep, D had to hold me and listen to me blather on in between weepy outbursts.

How do I feel now?

Still working through it. Obviously, I can't tolerate the idea of G being hungry, and if my milk supply (despite drinking Mother's Milk tea and taking Fenugreek capsules) isn't cutting it for him, then he needs supplementation. And I am doing everything I can (see parentheses above) to help boost my supply and nurse him. But I also have to accept that maybe a compromise is ok---for whatever reason, my nipples cannot handle nursing him in back-t0-back feedings every hour. My breasts need time to rest and fill back up with milk, and if this means giving him 2 oz of formula a day, then so be it.

Sure, it isn't what I prefer or would want, but my experience with my son so far is that he seems to have an agenda all his own that makes my "plans" spiral quickly down the toilet. Didn't want a c-section ever; had a c-section with him. Didn't want to give formula; giving formula to satisfy him and keep my nipples from feeling and looking like chopped ground beef.

I believe I have met my match.