Preparing for a full-fledged nervous breakdown

It occurred to me last night, thankfully just a few days prior to my psychiatrist appointment, that my anxiety is flaring up probably a little more than I had realized. I've been noticing some breakthrough intrusive thoughts here and there, but I suspect I'm experiencing greater flares as I get increasingly big. There is no way I'm adjusting my meds down, and a greater likelihood I'll be increasing my dose. I'm just glad I noticed it prior to my visit with Dr.

It is a little discouraging how easily I slip back into catastrophic thinking without even noticing it for awhile. So how did I know things were starting to slip?

First off, it has occurred to me that I have been obsessing over eventually getting another house. Mind you, this would only occur if we decided to have a 3rd child (and since we haven't yet had our 2nd, we are talking years from now before we even discuss it with any seriousness). I guess with the market the way it is, I've been stewing over which neighborhoods we'd look in and how much a 4 bedroom would run with a finished basement and how much we'd have to save over the next 4-5 years in order to have greater equity in another house and what the interest rates might be doing then and how much our payment might increase. Yep, good old obsessing over an issue that isn't even an issue at the moment and may never be.

Then, a friend who is expecting in August told me her 4-year-old asked her how long the baby would be staying once he arrived. She told her daughter, "Forever." My first thought when she said this is how I would answer N if she asked the same question because I wouldn't want to say "forever" because G might die during birth or afterwards of SIDS. Catastrophic thinking at it's best, which sums up my every thought during my pregnancy with N. I guess I'm lucky I've gotten to 30 weeks without feeling too much of this stuff.

Today I almost didn't wash a new crib sheet with the thought in my head that I may need to return it to the store if G dies, but I went ahead and washed it anyway which felt like a psychological victory.

I imagine other women have fleeting thoughts like these (or they don't have them at all), but mine tend to hover over my head for awhile and then finally make a nest. I guess given my previous postpartum breakdown, I fear the worst....another bout but made vastly harder by my being responsible for 2 children, not just 1. Maybe I expect it?

I guess the one good thing about noticing my increasing anxiety is that I am noticing it. I recognize it is not healthy or normal to have thoughts like this that stick around and never really go away.

This too shall pass.