I can tell my AD is not working as well as it was. I can blame it on the pregnancy, and not just because of the hormones. As my blood volume has increased during the pregnancy, the AD is essentially diluted in my bloodstream. I've been having more breakthrough intrusive thoughts and obsessive worries. It is not affecting my appetite or sleep, but I have definitely noticed a difference in my head in the past 2 weeks or so.
This maybe why I feel more and more like such a sucky mom....you know, just those darn negative thoughts that pop up when my brain is not soaking in the full strength AD juices. Or it could be this plus the combo of actually being pregnant and therefore not interested in doing anything that requires much energy or effort, which is all that is required in being a stay-at-home mom.
If N and I go someplace--the library, the pool, the zoo, the store--I don't feel like a sucky mom because I am interacting with her. And getting out actually makes me feel better physically. It is when we have time at home that I feel like the world's worst mom because all I want to do is sit on the couch and sigh (or groan).
And it is not that I don't try to do something with her, rather than both of us zoning in front of the tv. I'll ask her if she wants to do a craft. NO. Do you want to do your sticker book? NO. Do you want to color? NO. Sometimes all she wants to do is just have the tv on and zone, which I allow because why fight it? I am so tired of fighting the tv "demons," especially as I come up on my 30th week of pregnancy. N watches nothing but kid shows (not soap operas or COPS), so who cares? Me---because I feel awful that I am not interacting more with her.
When she does want to interact with me it is to play with her Disney princess dolls, which is not quite as boring as ironing clothes but a very close second. I have such a difficult time with pretend doll play because it seems like a never-ending saga with no purpose. If we do a craft or color or paint, there is a finished product at the end. If we read or do a sticker book together, she is learning words or using her spatial abilities. If we bake zucchini bread together, she helps me and learns useful life skills. If we swing outside she is getting physical exercise.
But having the Disney princess dolls chase each other seems the most pointless event in life (although I know I am looking at this through the skewed eyes of an almost 34-year-old woman). And I am so lazy the dolls can only chase each other arm's length because I refuse to move my pregnant ass one inch to the left or right in order to reach any of these princesses.
I guess too it is boring for me because all the Disney princesses do when they play is reenact scenes from the movies/stories, which we have read or seen bazillions of times or relive moments from our own life, which is dull in the extreme in reality so why relive it is our fantasyworld? Because it is fun for a 3-year-old.
And I know when G comes along I will feel even more like a sucky mom to N because I will be putting so much time/effort into caring for him. Of course by then, hopefully my blood volume will be back to normal so my AD can do it's job with greater efficiency.
No comments:
Post a Comment