Whenever I hear of someone who has married more than 2 times I think to myself that the "problem" with the marriages is likely the person who has been married the most times---either that person is a pita or that person continues to not learn from his/her mistakes and keeps choosing marriage partners who really aren't well-suited to him or her.
When patterns repeat themselves over and over again, I look for the commonality between the patterns.
It has just dawned on me that I am now the common denominator.
Lord knows I don't want to rehash all the sh*t that went down with two of my neighborhood friends in 2008. (See minefield and rant)
In both of those situations, I stood up and spoke out for something I believe in....my daughter and common sense. And in both of those situations, I lost a friend, although the argument could be made that I wasn't truly friends with either of these women. We were friendly because of a playgroup. Being a parent sometimes puts you in close contact and "friends" with people you may or may not have been friends with of your own accord.
Moving along to this new situation.....
N has been in a Girl Scout troop since 2009. I was due to deliver M in October of that year so I knew I wasn't up to leading, co-leading or doing much other than nursing a newborn and trying to keep my sanity intact since G was only two. For the first year, my MIL took N to her troop meetings.
Once M got bigger and wasn't at my breast constantly, I started taking N to troop meetings, and I offered to help the troop leader as I could.
Over time I began to notice that the girls didn't seem to be working toward patches, and I felt and feel that this is part of the big fun of being a Girl Scout---setting a goal, doing neat activities and earning a patch to put on one's vest or sash. There were also some issues with follow through---as in plans were discussed or made but nothing was ever actually accomplished. For example, last summer the girls planted seeds with the intent of doing a community garden, but the troop leader never contacted any of us over the summer about actually planting the plants. So the seeds sprouted, the plants grew for awhile and then all of us threw them out when they died.
Last year, two of the girls left the troop specifically because their mothers were sick of the disorganization of the troop meetings and that the troop wasn't doing anything to earn patches. When I saw one of the moms a few weeks after they left at a school function she said, "You all don't know what you are missing. This troop is so much better."
N very much likes the girls in her troop (one she has known and played with since preschool), so I didn't like the idea of abandoning the troop completely. But I did ask the troop leader if I could plan some activities for the girls.
Since September I have been planning every single meeting for the troop. In those few months the girls accomplished more than they did in all the months preceding (back to the late summer of 2009).
But I have been growing increasingly frustrated because when I'd ask how much money was in our account so I could plan some extra activities I was never given an answer. In September I asked if we had registered the troop because I didn't remember filling out a form; this email got no response. I felt like it was nearly impossible for me to be in the "know" for planning purposes if I'm not receiving emails about local Girl Scout events or getting answers to my questions.
The clincher came in the past 3 weeks when the troop leader "forgot" about selling Girl Scout cookies. The girls still have not gotten the order forms---I've been taking orders and writing them on a copy I made of last year's order sheet.
So I called the local Girl Scout office thinking I could just go pick some up to bring to this week's meeting and I was told our troop wasn't registered. (Despite my email which, to my way of thinking, should have served as a reminder way back in September.)
This is the proverbial straw.
To make a long story short, another troop mom (DV) and I will be trained this weekend with the intention of starting a new troop.
Last night I emailed the current troop leader to ask if I could take over the troop with DV as my co-leader. In no way do I expect her to go for this, but if all 4 of the girls go to the new troop it leaves the current leader's daughter by herself. And I think it really sucks for this girl to no longer have a troop just because of adult difficulties.
It sucks that something as innocuous as Girl Scouts can become such a stressful headache. Such a drama. It sucks that this has caused me to lose a friendly acquaintance. She and I were certainly not best friends or even "real" friends, but it doesn't make anyone feel good to know someone wouldn't give them quarter.
This is now 3 burned bridges with me being the common denominator, and I have to wonder....what is it with me????
I know what it is with me....I don't let things go. I don't back down. I am too honest. I always strive to be civil and polite, but I also say what I think. And I blog, which further pisses off someone who was already pissed off at me (even though I never name names).
When I look back on the "Friendship Fallout of 2008," I don't regret saying or doing anything I did. It's not in me to just let things go. If it was, I would not be so well medicated. I have truly reflected on these events far more than I perhaps should have. I don't like people to dislike me, to have a bad opinion of me.
But the bigger truth is that I don't want to have a bad opinion of myself. And sometimes not being honest and not doing what I feel is right and best would lessen my opinion of myself.
So I just deal with the fallout. Have a few nights of poor sleep. Blog about it.
And move on.
In both of those situations, I stood up and spoke out for something I believe in....my daughter and common sense. And in both of those situations, I lost a friend, although the argument could be made that I wasn't truly friends with either of these women. We were friendly because of a playgroup. Being a parent sometimes puts you in close contact and "friends" with people you may or may not have been friends with of your own accord.
Moving along to this new situation.....
N has been in a Girl Scout troop since 2009. I was due to deliver M in October of that year so I knew I wasn't up to leading, co-leading or doing much other than nursing a newborn and trying to keep my sanity intact since G was only two. For the first year, my MIL took N to her troop meetings.
Once M got bigger and wasn't at my breast constantly, I started taking N to troop meetings, and I offered to help the troop leader as I could.
Over time I began to notice that the girls didn't seem to be working toward patches, and I felt and feel that this is part of the big fun of being a Girl Scout---setting a goal, doing neat activities and earning a patch to put on one's vest or sash. There were also some issues with follow through---as in plans were discussed or made but nothing was ever actually accomplished. For example, last summer the girls planted seeds with the intent of doing a community garden, but the troop leader never contacted any of us over the summer about actually planting the plants. So the seeds sprouted, the plants grew for awhile and then all of us threw them out when they died.
Last year, two of the girls left the troop specifically because their mothers were sick of the disorganization of the troop meetings and that the troop wasn't doing anything to earn patches. When I saw one of the moms a few weeks after they left at a school function she said, "You all don't know what you are missing. This troop is so much better."
N very much likes the girls in her troop (one she has known and played with since preschool), so I didn't like the idea of abandoning the troop completely. But I did ask the troop leader if I could plan some activities for the girls.
Since September I have been planning every single meeting for the troop. In those few months the girls accomplished more than they did in all the months preceding (back to the late summer of 2009).
But I have been growing increasingly frustrated because when I'd ask how much money was in our account so I could plan some extra activities I was never given an answer. In September I asked if we had registered the troop because I didn't remember filling out a form; this email got no response. I felt like it was nearly impossible for me to be in the "know" for planning purposes if I'm not receiving emails about local Girl Scout events or getting answers to my questions.
The clincher came in the past 3 weeks when the troop leader "forgot" about selling Girl Scout cookies. The girls still have not gotten the order forms---I've been taking orders and writing them on a copy I made of last year's order sheet.
So I called the local Girl Scout office thinking I could just go pick some up to bring to this week's meeting and I was told our troop wasn't registered. (Despite my email which, to my way of thinking, should have served as a reminder way back in September.)
This is the proverbial straw.
To make a long story short, another troop mom (DV) and I will be trained this weekend with the intention of starting a new troop.
Last night I emailed the current troop leader to ask if I could take over the troop with DV as my co-leader. In no way do I expect her to go for this, but if all 4 of the girls go to the new troop it leaves the current leader's daughter by herself. And I think it really sucks for this girl to no longer have a troop just because of adult difficulties.
It sucks that something as innocuous as Girl Scouts can become such a stressful headache. Such a drama. It sucks that this has caused me to lose a friendly acquaintance. She and I were certainly not best friends or even "real" friends, but it doesn't make anyone feel good to know someone wouldn't give them quarter.
This is now 3 burned bridges with me being the common denominator, and I have to wonder....what is it with me????
I know what it is with me....I don't let things go. I don't back down. I am too honest. I always strive to be civil and polite, but I also say what I think. And I blog, which further pisses off someone who was already pissed off at me (even though I never name names).
When I look back on the "Friendship Fallout of 2008," I don't regret saying or doing anything I did. It's not in me to just let things go. If it was, I would not be so well medicated. I have truly reflected on these events far more than I perhaps should have. I don't like people to dislike me, to have a bad opinion of me.
But the bigger truth is that I don't want to have a bad opinion of myself. And sometimes not being honest and not doing what I feel is right and best would lessen my opinion of myself.
So I just deal with the fallout. Have a few nights of poor sleep. Blog about it.
And move on.
3 comments:
I really, REALLY admire your ability to stand up for what you believe. You definitely choose what is right over what is easy and that is a difficult thing for most of us.
Even if you have burned a few bridges along the way I think you are setting an amazing example for your kids by being true to yourself.
I didn't read back on the other 2 instances BUT- in this one, I agree with you 100%. The other lady was not doing her job as troop leader & it wasn't giving the troop members the real girl scout experience. I also think you gave the original leader several opportunities to step up and she is obviously not interested in doing that. Don't sweat it!
If there's anything that drives me bonkers, it's volunteering for a poorly-run organization. It frustrates me to no end when I'm in a position like you were in. The girls will all be better off having you as a leader, and you did absolutely nothing wrong, so lose any guilt that may be lurking in the wings of your psyche....
Standing up for things is an area in which I need to grow so that I can model it for my own children. It's an invaluable character trait/skill, and I salute you for it!
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