Sunday, January 15, 2012

I blow my wad too soon

You'd think I was a man writing about sexual problems.

But my problem has nothing to do with that.

Enthusiasm is great, and my general pattern is to be very enthusiastic about things I begin.  When I began my first "real" job at 21, I completed the 3-month training period in under a month.  I just plowed into the work and got good quickly.  Same thing could be said of my first years as a teacher....I like to think I was mostly stellar.  (My former co-workers can argue with this line of thinking, if they'd like.)

The downside of this trait is that I tire of things quickly too.  Being extremely gung-ho is simply not sustainable over the long-term.  One cannot continue to operate at this level forever.

Just like my other jobs, I think I've blown much of my mothering wad.

When I only had N, I was gung-ho.....overly gung-ho.  Deeply wounded when I had to be away from her.  Eager to engage with her almost constantly.

Now, two additional kids and almost 8 years later, I find myself easily distracted by my freelancing work.  I find myself spending time planning Girl Scout activities because it engages my mind in learning and educating others.  I religiously attend twice a week exercise class instead of doing music or exercise classes with my boys or taking them places to play as I did with N.

On the one hand I feel sorta guilty about this because I do not give as much of my focus to G and M as I did N.  I recognize that some of this is simply, "The way it is."  It would be impossible to give the boys as much of my time and focus as I did N.  Having three kids triples (at least) the amount of laundry, clean-up, food purchasing and preparation, etc.

I also recognize that it isn't always a good thing to devote so much attention to a child.  M, perhaps because he is the 3rd kid, is really good at occupying himself, and that is a great skill to have.

Finally, I recognize that after 8 years of doing anything, you get tired and bored and need to change things around....hence the freelancing and volunteering and exercise.  I know that working full-time would add more stress and be completely detrimental to me and my family, so I do what I am able to do to jazz things up for me without causing unbearable stress and still allowing my kids to be with me most of the time.

Lord knows, I am still very devoted to my boys.  We do playgroups and read together and snuggle and love on each other.  Based on how my boys act when I've been gone for awhile, they are truly "Momma's boys" who think I am the only one who can care for them properly.

I guess what I need to remember about myself is that maybe I'm not as gung-ho excited about stay-at-home mothering as I was 5+ years ago, but I don't give up.  I try to re-invent the days, switch things up to keep momma happy, and continue on with what I have committed to do.

And that isn't such a bad thing.  

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