In my experience, having my first child brought up all sorts of feelings about parenting and how I was parented that I didn't know were there, bubbling under the surface, affecting how I saw myself as a person and as a mother. Or maybe I did know they were there, but I just didn't know what to do with them. Becoming a parent required that I deal with these unsettled feelings.
I always felt like my dad didn't love me, and it took me until I was in my thirties, after I'd had my daughter and was in therapy, to realize a lot of things about how my dad parented.
From what I understand, my dad's dad was kind of an asshole. He drank to excess, would often spend most of his paycheck on himself or his drinks rather than on food for his family, and had been known to beat his wife in front of his sons.
My dad, having witnessed this, became the type of man who's main goal in life was to not be anything like his father. My dad worked very hard to provide for his family. He never has more than 2 alcoholic drinks, ever. And he never laid a hand on his wife. For my dad, being predictable, responsible, financially stable and decent meant he was a good dad. And he was. And is.
But, perhaps because of the family in which he grew up, my dad has never been terribly affectionate. I don't remember my dad regularly telling me he loved me until I married. Or talking about feelings, his or anyone else's. Or giving me hugs very often.
And maybe because I was such an overly sensitive kid, I needed more affection, more communication, than what my dad was able to give. I probably could have used some therapy when I was young, but back in my day therapy was only for kids who set their houses on fire and other obviously troubled behavior.
It was as an adult, as a mother to a baby daughter, that I understood with the help of my therapist, that my dad had his own issues that affected how he was as a father. His own personality. His own anxieties. And none of this had anything at all to do with me. It wasn't my fault. I didn't do anything wrong. It's just the way my dad is.
And that made me feel tremendously better as I reflected on my childhood relationship with my father.
But here's the thing, I want D to be the type of father to our kids that my dad wasn't to me. It's like I'm trying to overcompensate for what I felt I didn't get from my dad as a kid. I want D to be super affectionate and super involved, and if I'm really honest with myself, super man. The perfect dad.
And I know that is unfair.
Because D is himself, not my dad. And our kids are not me. They won't have the same personalities, needs, desires or hang-ups that I did (and still do).
So even though I've acknowledged my father/child issues and accepted them, I don't know that you ever really, totally let go.
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