Answer to anxiety question

I don't know what the "proper" way to address reader comments is, but I'll do it as a post because someone who doesn't read the comments might actually benefit from a question/answer discussion.

The question:
Do you ever feel disconnected from your kids (as a result of anxiety)? Like you do what you're supposed to do and you love them more than life but you just emotionally can't feel it?


My Answer:  
I definitely felt the disconnect when I was in the throes of anxiety and depression (I had a touch of depression when my anxiety was full-blown).  I would smile at N, who was a baby at the time, and try to "act" normally, but I certainly wasn't feeling happy or content or "with it" most of the time.  Tending to basic needs, both mine and hers, was a struggle.  I didn't even feel guilt over feeling disconnected because I felt so disconnected (if this makes any sense at all).  The guilt came later, and still comes, even though we are 5+ years beyond that place.  


I know a lot of my "mommy" issues, especially when N was a baby, stem from completely unrealistic ideas of what a parent, particularly a mother, is supposed to feel.  If I had any negative feelings or disconnected feelings, I felt like the worst mom on the planet, like I violated some code of mommydom.  


My anxiety and OCD are really well managed with my medication at this time, so I usually don't feel disconnected from the kids.  What I do feel on a regular basis is anger.  My brain is already fairly taxed as a result of the anxiety/OCD so it doesn't handle additional stressors too well, and having young kids is a constant stressor.  I don't know that my anger is any more extreme than any other mom of young kids, but I think I worry about it more than other moms because of my mood issues.  


Anger scares me a lot because it can rapidly go out of control.  And with young kids in my care, I worry that I could hurt them in a fit of anger.  Chances are it wouldn't happen because I am aware of my feelings given my history.  But that doesn't stop me from being scared of angry feelings I have. 


I try to remember a piece of advice my financial advisor gave me about childrearing:  Parenting children is like saving money in an account.  You make deposits of feel-good moments, special hugs, kisses, saying "I love you," special activities together.  Then when you have these disconnected times or angry outbursts or whatever, you have plenty of good things "saved" so the account isn't depleted.  Your child still has oodles of happy memories and thoughts about how he/she is parented that those episodes of unhappy/unpleasant don't wipe everything else away.