Educational choices and inferiority complexes

You know, I like to come off all cocky, like I am so self-assured, but it doesn't take much for me to feel inadequate about virtually everything I do as a mom.  Let me explain.

My friend K will begin homeschooling her daughter next year and recently blogged about her decision to homeschool (with more installments coming).  It was really interesting to read about her reasons for making the homeschool choice.  One thing she mentioned is that by homeschooling, she will not lose time with her children by having them away at school for 35+ hours a week.

And, of course, I wondered what kind of terrible mother I am since I was deliriously happy for N to start kindergarten this past fall.  And will be deliriously happy for her to return as a first grader in August.

But then I reminded myself that in the years before D and I had our kids, I felt like killing him after about 2 days of togetherness when we vacationed.  Seriously, 2 days is all it took for me to become entirely sick of being around him.  It's like I have ADD but only involving people.

And the funny thing is I am totally a people person.  I'm just not a person who likes to be with the same people day-in and day-out.

My friend's blog has been a springboard for me to think about why I couldn't (and probably shouldn't) homeschool and my thoughts about sending my kids to public school.....with some qualifications depending on how the future plays out.

Ok, so, besides genuinely needing to be away from my kids for my own sanity, there's my complete inability to have a routine as a stay-at-home mom.  I mean I have a routine, but it is so general as to be useless, like every day we have breakfast, lunch and dinner.  Oh, and G takes an afternoon nap.  That is the extent of my ability to have set things we do.  For years my mom has suggested I set a housecleaning routine whereby I would wash windows on Mondays, change sheets on Tuesdays, etc.  But I can't do it because 1. I don't clean clean (if I cleaned it last week and it's still clean, I ain't cleaning it again), and 2. if I don't get that thing accomplished for whatever reason it's going to cause me anxiety.  It is one thing to not get the lint holder cleaned out;  it is another thing entirely to not get to my daughter's lessons because the littles require 98% of my attention.

And then there's the personality issue with my children, which I blame on my husband.  There have been numerous occasions when I have told him something, but he didn't believe it until a co-worker said the same thing.  My daughter shares this trait.  I can "instruct" her on the correct way to do something, but I am dead wrong.  Her teacher can instruct her the exact same way, and N tolerates it much better.

Public School Decision

My parents sent me to Catholic schools my entire life:  elementary, high and college.  And for most of that time I really expected that if I had kids I would send them to Catholic schools.  It had kinda been drilled in my head that Catholic schools are best.  (The idea that Catholic boys were best also got lodged in my noggin for awhile).

But then when I was getting my MAT, I observed for a couple months at my elementary/middle school, and I was stunned by how lacking it was in terms of technology, foreign language, access to special needs programs, etc.  I had long considered public schools to be inferior, but seeing my alma mater as an adult and as a teacher in training, opened my eyes a bit.

A number of family members are teachers who had long taught at Catholic schools.  Due to low pay, they decided to try the public system and hated it.  I wasn't privy to their reasoning, but through the grapevine I kind of picked up on the fact that they got used to one kind of clientele at Catholic schools and had a much different clientele at public schools.  I decided that I would teach at public schools first to build up my stamina and backbone.  Then if I decided to switch at some point to private schools, it would seem like a picnic.

When I finally began teaching in the public system, I realized how much I had missed out on by attending Catholic schools.  My school didn't offer orchestra or band, so I never had the opportunity to learn an instrument.  My school didn't have Quick Recall or Beta Club or Science Olympiad.  My school didn't have a speech therapist, various counselors, and ECE support personnel.

Another "problem" with the private school setting that I didn't pick up on until I was an adult is how downright weird it is to only be around people like yourself.  When I went to high school downtown, I had never been to school with a black person.  On the first day, I remember wondering to myself, "How will I ever tell them (the black girls) apart?"  To me, they all looked the same.  It is embarrassing to me to tell this, but there were no black kids who attended my school and none who lived in my neighborhood. I think the only black people I'd seen were on Fat Albert.

Plus, I looked at my husband, who attended public schools and managed to turn out a very smart and decent person.

My choice to be a stay-at-home mom plays into the decision too.  I don't honestly know that we could afford to send our kids to private or church-based schools.  I know how big a chunk of change preschool was per month, and N's preschool was downright cheap compared to some of the other preschool programs I looked at.

But things may happen

For all of the things I saw lacking in the Catholic schools I attended, there were some pluses.  As a certifiably boy-crazy individual, attending an all-girls high school was probably the best thing my parents ever forced me to do.  I was able to focus on developing me for me.....not for someone else who would date me.  The leadership skills I so value today came from my high school experience.  D and I have already discussed that if N is anything like her mother, she might be foregoing the public co-ed high school route.

And with having 2 sons, I wonder how public school will suit them.  I have my concerns about whether public education really meets the needs of its male students.  And so, it is entirely possible that if public education isn't meeting their needs and if my sons' personalities are such that we don't butt heads on a every-38-second-basis (as my daughter and I do), I might consider homeschooling them, or sending them to a private school.

At this juncture, I'm good with my choice of public education for my family.  And that is the whole point of having choices---doing what you believe is best for you and your family.