I REALLY don't know what I'm doing...

but who does?

Maybe it's the pregnancy hormonal shifts or something, but it occurred to me this weekend that I really have no clue what I'm doing as a parent. I know I have my momentary blips where I question what I do in certain instances, but it has been awhile since I thought, "I am a total fuck-up in the parenting capacity."

N and I had a rough week last week; I blame it on the pool no longer being open so I'm all out of whack in terms of activities and schedules. Without the physical workout at the pool, N was refusing naps, and I don't do well with alterations in my routine. Anyway, it just felt like she and I were butting heads the entire week over anything and everything.

Yesterday, D, N and I did go to the pool (the last day--sniff, sniff) for a couple hours. As it neared 3:00, I told N I was going to the bathroom to change into dry clothes and asked whether she was gonna come. She ignored me and kept playing in the kiddie pool. Ok, no big deal. When I returned to our chairs, D and I packed up everything and told N we were getting ready to go and to come on. She ignored us. So he and I picked up everything into our arms, told N we were leaving now, and starting walking towards the gate. Oh shit, said N to herself, They are serious. A tear or two later and she was with the program, although she complained that she was all wet, at which point I reminded her that I asked if she wanted to go to the restroom to change clothes and she ignored me.

Anyway, something set me off and I was awash with the realization of floundering in this job. Maybe it was what I perceived as a "LOOK" from another parent upon her watching D and I with bags in hand walking towards the exit. Or maybe it was just that everything I proposed or did with N last week seemed to end up with her being testy or giving me attitude and then me having to discipline. Sometimes ya just get sick of feeling like the heavy all the time.

So that left me questioning my entire parenting strategy...if we can call it a strategy. What is my strategy? I don't know whether my parenting philosophy is indicative of laziness or efficiency. It is hard to tell.

I try to let N make her own choices and deal with the consequences of those choices (although I warn her what the consequences will be).
I try to be simple and straight-forward without giving her any room to fudge or beg or whine on her part (as in "You can have 1 cookie now and nothing else until supper, do you understand? One cookie is it.")
I use time-out as a way for her to cool off.
But sometimes I don't know whether any of this is actually working?

I know some parents use charts and rewards, but I am not into these for 2 reasons: One, it just seems like work to keep up with a chart, and I know I wouldn't be consistent with it. Second, I don't want N to behave a certain way only because she knows a treat or a toy will follow. So as much as I'm not into disciplining in this form, I still wonder if maybe I should. Maybe there is some magical "tool" I haven't read about that I can try? What other suggestions can these brilliant experts give me for dealing with my child that won't result in me hating her and her refusing at some point to let me have a relationship with my future grandchildren.

So last night was spent searching the library catalog and Internet for books and tips on disciplining 3-year-olds....particularly tired 3-year-olds, which is akin to clipping pissed off tigers' toenails I suspect. I'll let you know when I find the magic bullet.