In a perfect world, I would have no need for my antidepressant. I wouldn't have OCD or GAD or the depression that sneaks along with them when they get bad. But there is no perfect world, so I take my antidepressant and apply my skills from therapy to help me get through my anxious moments and crazy moods. There are very few times when I wonder whether my AD is a good thing for me, but sometimes I have a momentary doubt as I did yesterday. (And then I regain my senses, fortunately.)
N wouldn't take a nap. Lord knows she needed one and I needed some quiet time, but I guess we missed the window of opportunity by taking too long at Target. When she refuses to nap it always puts me in an irritable mood. Before my staying at home, I remember how long work days felt when I didn't get a lunch break in, but this is worse because at least in an outside-the-house job, I knew it was over at 5:00 or when the school bell rang. The mommy job doesn't have such a neat fixed daily timeline.
Now when I have had my quiet time and she has rested, I am able to withstand her saying, "Mommy watch this" 200 times without breaking a sweat. And I just move around her if she is under my feet. However, on a no-nap, no-break day, I am far less patient with her...much more snippy or critical, I guess.
And this is where it comes in.... THE GUILT. Yes, stupid guilt over feeling an emotion that is not all light and roses because I worry what N seeing me have that negative emotion is going to do to her. As if it is healthy for her to see her mother NEVER get tired or frustrated or irritable. Hell, did 2 years of therapy teach me nothing????? How is she ever going to learn that her emotions are normal and acceptable if I never allow mine to appear in their full range and have N see how I cope or struggle to cope. Isn't this a wonderful teachable moment for both of us???
Of course, this guilt is 2-faced because then I think, "Maybe it is bad for me to take my AD because N doesn't get to see a fuller range of moods because the AD keeps me more stable than the yo-yo I would be otherwise?" Wait a minute!!! Didn't the guilt just try to make me feel badly about having a negative emotion, but now it suggests I should go off my AD and let N experience lots of my bad emotions??? What the fuck???
And then I decide that I need to take control of this situation in my head because my brain has gotten way too out of sorts. I have to talk myself down. Geez, it is a lot of work being in my head. OK, you stupid brain...listen up!
Everybody needs a break in a workday, especially stay-at-home moms. That quiet time is golden and it fucks my routine when I don't get it (and it is ok to be pissed that N won't nap), and it is ok to feel irritable and snippy with her. Doesn't she get irritable and snippy with me when she is tired and needs a break? She will survive me being a little irritable with her, and she will forgive me, just as I forgive her when she is being a turd and it is directed towards me.
The worst thing I could do is go off myAD and slide back into obsessive intrusive thoughts and overwhelming anxiety and depression because N would know I was struggling and she would know that I was trying to fake happiness and amusement and lightness. And it wouldn't be fair to me to lose the enjoyment I have. Remember those 8 months of being under-medicated when the time each day drug by so slowly and I just felt constantly low? Remember feeling like I had to force a smile for my 15-month-old daughter and "pretend" to be a happy mom? Remember how something as simple as having N's birthday party threw off my sleep for weeks? Remember how I developed new symptoms after going so long without what I needed?
So, as usual, I give myself a good talking to once and then must repeat it over and over again for many days until it sinks in good and deep. I guess anyone with OCD knows a big part of their life is "Repeat as necessary."
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