Pre-Emptive Anxiety

I daresay my pre-emptive anxiety is about as fruitful as the pre-emptive strike strategy in Iraq.

The ultrasound is Thursday. While I am excited, I am a little worried too. Maybe all women feel this way, I don't know. I just remember with N's ultrasound, I was only focused on gender. It didn't even occur to me that something could be wrong or worrisome. I just didn't know a darn thing about "obstetric liability avoidance" and all the things docs will tell you to cover their asses (and I say this in a tone of sadness that obs have to do this--I suspect there is no joy in having to behave in such a manner).

As it turned out, nothing was amiss, only a little suspicious, but damn did that blow the "joy of pregnancy" bubble. I was already experiencing anxiety about even being pregnant so the "possible Down Syndrome" talk really started the anxiety snowball rolling.

Anyway, the good angel (logical thought) has been having some early arguments with the bad angel (anxiety). The bad angel is just really foul and stupid, saying things like, Maybe it will only have half a brain. The good angel pretty easily smacks him down, but with the u/s looming, I suspect the battle will worsen at least a little bit.

Plus, I have to address the whole staying on my antidepressant issue with my ob, which is stress-inducing. I have written up an informed consent document stating that I have been told of the risks by my ob, I understand those risks, but after consultation with my psychiatrist, I am going to continue my meds. I guess the worse she can do is send me to a maternal-fetal medicine doctor. It's not like I'm going to be stuck in the wilds of Siberia delivering this baby on my own.

I guess my biggest fear is that something will show up wrong with the baby AND my doctor will refuse to treat me, although I guess if something is wrong enough with the baby she would have to send me elsewhere anyway. I know that worrying about it doesn't change it, so I am trying to focus on leaving for Disney. Of course, then I worry that we'll find out something is wrong, she'll can me as her patient, and then I'll have all this shit hanging over my head on vacation.

So I guess if things do go to hell, I hope Walt Disney's magic will work it's wonders on me.