Subversive (and other personality quirks)

I am a champion of metacognition, and after 35 years of living and a couple years of therapy, I think I know myself fairly well. I don't like to admit a lot of the junk I know about myself, but in the privacy of my own mind, I do acknowledge my more unpleasant personality traits.

I try to be as honest as possible with myself and other people, even though this has often kicked me in the ass, so I will admit that a recent comment on my blog has stuck in my craw. This fact has led me to ponder a little more the things I think and do regarding god.

I remember being a small child (like 5 and 6 years+) and having god issues. Being scared that god would punish me for being "bad" or thinking "bad" things (like, "I really hate my brother.") Hating to say the "Now I lay me" prayer at bedtime because I didn't want god to take my soul if I died before I woke (what kid wants to think about dying before they wake???). Basically, I had a whole lot of trouble with the anthropomorphisized god as father. The god I envisioned wasn't sensitive, affectionate god, but disciplinarian hard-ass god.

Plus, the catholic school I went to was basically a gigantic clique of snotty kids born of booster parents. I liked to dance on the playground from the youngest of ages and was quickly relegated to "nerd-status." Spending eight consecutive years with some of these kids made me despise all mention of catholic school.

But my parents made me go to church, and I completed the sacraments as expected. My relationship with god and the church was always rocky and only continued to worsen as I got into college. After D and I married, I finally decided I'd had enough of the idea that I would go to heaven (wherever that is) because I had been baptized, but D wouldn't because he hadn't been baptized. If D goes to hell, I'm there with him.

I go round and round some of the theology too. I generally accept the bible as inspired literature, not ordained by god or god's word. But assuming I did accept it as true, how do I accept god allowing his only son to be killed? I couldn't allow my child to be killed to save humanity. Of course, I'm not god. So how to wrap my head around that? (And this is what I was thinking last night before bed; fun times on a Saturday night). I feel like I'm either stuck believing in a god who seems apparently devoid of love, or a god so brilliant and awe-ful that I cannot relate to him/her anyway.

Suffice it to say, I've found that as my life has become more complicated by marriage, aging and parenthood, my internal discussions of theology have only gotten more muddied.

And I will admit that some of my refusal to attend church and accept jesus as my savior is purely my fascination with being subversive. I didn't take my husband's name for this reason. I keep my hair cut short for this reason. I colored my hair hot pink when I was 9 months pregnant for this reason. And I would get a tattoo for this reason if I didn't have such sensitive skin and seriously fear an allergic reaction.

There is a part of me that likes being the only one in my family to not attend church, to not send my kids to catholic school. I like being hornery and deliberately ticking others off when they try to proselytize. But it's not like I have this magical relationship with the catholic church and god and jesus and am denying my feelings in order to thumb my nose at other people. I'm annoying, but not stupid. I'm not going to deny myself something wonderful just to aggravate someone else.

I wouldn't characterize myself as lost either, which I suspect and fear is how many people of strong faith think of me (and others like me). I am searching. But I admit to being stubborn enough to only want to search on my terms. I don't want anyone else telling me how to search or insinuating that I just try opening my mind and heart. Maybe I have duped myself too well, but I don't think I am willingly trying to subvert my own spiritual path (despite my admitted fascination).

I suspect some people, for whatever reason, find it easier to find comfort in religion. And there are others who can't, but still feel compelled to try. And then there are those who just say, "fuck it." I'm in that damned middle category.