Anyone who knows me well knows that I have fault-line faith in god. Shaky, at best. Faith is something I like to stand waaaay back from and watch from a distance. I don't attend any church, never baptized my kids, and have no inclination to do either of the two. But I do believe in something bigger, greater and more profound than what I see, although seeing and all the other senses are a big part of how I experience god. And I do think about faith, religion and god a lot.
So today I felt god working mysteriously, or at least I like to think it was god. Maybe coincidence, but I tend to think that coincidence is god. Or karma. Or whatever you want to call that big blob of unseen jelly that holds, molds and keeps life energy moving.
Moving on....
This morning I saw the mother of one of N's preschool friends who was pregnant, a few weeks further along than me. She had experienced a difficult pregnancy in that something was amiss with the baby, which was discovered early on. Now I am not friends with this woman, per se, but I had tried to keep up with her and offer my support. She had told me they didn't know what the problem was (she declined invasive testing), but the doctor said it could result in a miscarriage or serious genetic birth defects. When I asked how she was today, she told me she miscarried last week. All I could do was hug her and tell her how sorry I was. She is very faithful woman, rooted in her Christian religion, and she said she had just put it all in god's hands. She seemed ok.
But all day, she has been on my mind and heart, as has this pregnancy of mine. Her loss makes me worry that I, too, could experience a similar loss. Her loss also makes me think that statistically it is unlikely that I will experience a loss like hers. And then I find myself feeling guilty worrying about my pregnancy when she has lost hers.
And then tonight, I receive word from a friend who was told she would never conceive naturally that she is pregnant (naturally) and due right around the same time as me. I am just ecstatic for her, and her news gives me some renewed hope that my baby will be alright too.
I recognize that what happens to these other people does not impact my pregnancy one way or the other, but they do impact my emotions, and I think I will not believe I am having this baby until he/she is born in the fall. I continue to be dismayed that there is something growing in me...out of sheer shock, fear and love.
So is this god working strangely? Somehow I feel it is. But what it means remains a mystery to me. I am egotistical enough to think it is god's way of saying everything will work out, but I am also doubtful enough that god spends its time sending out feel-good messages to lil' ole me.
1 comment:
Carrie - As a mom, I found your pondering about other pregnancies -both good and bad, to be very interesting. As a Christian I found your view on God typical of what I see in the world alot these days.
I once told my son (20 yrs old) who is also searching for what he believes that he might do well to go on a quest to see if God exists. Nothing I say can sway him (or you for that matter) nor do I think it should. He laughed until I told him that a quest is simply a process of asking questions. To me, the only question you need to ask is, "God, if you do exist, will you reveal yourself to me?" And then watch, listen and observe. With an open mind you can see if answers come.
For me, I KNOW there is a God because He did reveal himself to me. I experienced God personally and deeply last year and captured my experience in a book entitled: MIGHTY INSPIRATION, Love Letters from God. It is not a book about religion but rather about how I found God revealing himself to me. Check it out - you may be surprised if you ask the question how the answer may come to you. Here's the website: http://www.eloquentbooks.com/MightyInspirationLoveLettersFromGod.html
Best of luck and blessings with your family.
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