Temper, temper

I must be getting close to having regular periods again because I have been having these irritable "spells." Of course, these spells only seem to happen around 7:00 pm when I have been awake and tending to the kids for 13+ hours without a break. Hmmmmm. I probably shouldn't worry about stocking up on pantiliners just yet.

A few weeks ago we purchased deck furniture. Real deck furniture---not plastic stuff. A table, 6 chairs and an umbrella. D has been saying that we need deck furniture for about as long as we've been married, so we finally got some. (I had never wanted deck furniture for a number of reasons but mostly because D doesn't even like the outdoors so I totally didn't expect that he'd use it so why drop a chunk of change?) However, now that we have it, I am determined to use it.

And so tonight we attempted for the 2nd time to eat dinner outside but the fates were against my plan to utilize the furniture. The sun was in our eyes, N was screaming and crying out of fear of a rogue bee who keeps flying near our deck, and G was screaming to be put to bed. D was mostly quiet although he mentioned again, just as he did the first time we ate dinner outside on the new furniture, that we'll really only be able to eat lunch out there because of the way the sun shines in the evening. (Ahem, we didn't pay $500+ to only be able to eat lunch out on the furniture. I expect to be able to have breakfast, morning snack, lunch, afternoon snack, dinner, dessert and after-dinner drinks on that furniture).

Suffice it to say, the 3 of them were bouncing on my last nerve.

So we come into the house and I leave D and N to finish their supper, while I take G upstairs to nurse and get him into bed. But no, the tap dance on my nerve isn't over because N comes into G's room, startling him which makes him choke on breastmilk and then cry even more because now he has been awakened from his milk-feeding stupor. I don't know what she is saying because G is fussing so much. I told her, "Go downstairs. Let me get him to bed," so she left again, only to come back into the room less than 2 minutes later, getting G even more riled up.

I am PISSED!!!! G is fussing, N is bugging the crap outta me, and I have no clue where D is and why he isn't keeping N from harassing me while I'm trying to get G to sleep. And on top of it all, we've spent $500+ on deck furniture that we are probably never gonna use which is why I fought buying it for as long as I did!!!!! DAMMIT!!!!!!!!

Fortunately, I don't cuss but when I get mad like this I just growl (which actually may be more terrifying for the kids, seeing their mother turn into a werewolf). Arghhhhhhh! Grrrrrrrrrr! Hrggggggggggg!

I set G into his crib and his wailing get louder. I go get N and tell her to go downstairs (fortunately, by this time, D is at the top of the steps and carries her downstairs so I don't launch into expletives at her...and him for not keeping her downstairs to begin with).

I know D probably thinks I need to have my medication adjusted but this is the 2nd time today that N has interrupted me when I'm trying to nurse G and get him to sleep. Earlier, she had a friend over, brought her friend into G's room while I was nursing him to tell me she needed a push on the swing. Good God!!!!

I have tried explaining to her that G gets too distracted in the living room with her and the tv and the light so I take him into the darkness and quiet of his room so he'll nurse and go to sleep. But all this flies directly over her head because all she cares about is that I am with G and not with her.

There. I feel better.
I have to remind myself that I am human and that it's normal to get frustrated. And don't feel overwhelmed with guilt because of it.

At least I didn't leave my 2 month old in the car at the off-track betting facility so I could watch the Derby. As much as I hate reading news blurbs about parents like this, I do feel much better about parenting, even when I get aggravated.