Pregnancy stupidity or something else?

I am a little embarrassed by my enthusiasm for my pregnancy. With Norah I wanted to hide my pregnancy from everyone and forever. A lot of this was fear I now understand. My drugs must be fabulous but I am all about my belly with this kid. I don't necessarily think I am outwardly bubbly, but I certainly feel giddy and a little stupid on the inside.

A friend of mine told me that with your 1st kid, you read the books and know exactly how many weeks you are along and you are so into being pregnant. But then if you have more kids, you are so busy you don't know anything about what is going on. Lord knows I've long needed hobbies, but I find myself reading the week-by-week websites and checking out ultrasound photos at different weeks of gestation. I've been jotting down names I like and thinking about the nursery. At 14 weeks, I am doing all of this about 20 weeks earlier than I did when I was carrying N. For the longest time with N, I told people I was likely carrying a giant hairball, not a baby. Partly this was because I simply couldn't wrap my head around having a baby (as I think all first-timers are unable to do, really), and partly it was intense and essentially overwhelming anxiety.

The excitement I feel is a little unnerving for me. Whenever I get this Peppermint Patty sensation, I'm instantly zapped by a negative, catastrophic thought, but I keep coming back with the insistence that I want to enjoy this pregnancy. I want to suck the marrow out of it because I totally failed to do so when I was pregnant with N. My enjoyment has no correlation with outcome, positive or negative (I just have to keep stressing this to my overwrought brain).

There are very few things I look back on in my life and think about with anything like regret, but my inability to enjoy my 1st pregnancy is one of the biggies. I am thankful to be pregnant again so that maybe I can relish this one, at least as much as I allow myself to relish anything (besides hot dogs---ha,ha--that was totally a D joke).

Of course if something bad does happen I'll be the first to blame it on this silly giddiness over being pregnant. I guess until that happens I should just keep being silly giddy and get over myself.