Most Leadership

As a high school senior, I was voted "Most Leadership" by my fellow classmates. I had been itching to be voted "Most Likely to Succeed," so was actually a little disappointed when I received the other title. At the time this seemed like the best category...like a surefire guarantee that success would be yours if the majority of voters thought you fit the role. Looking back now I realize that "Most Likely to Succeed" is too nebulous an honor to actually be worth anything: it doesn't actually name the traits that make one most likely to succeed. Is it charisma? Stamina? Knowledge? Strong work ethic?

My peer who won "Most Likely to Succeed" went on to drop out of veterinary school. Last I heard she was gainfully employed at a veterinary clinic, but certainly not in the "successful" capacity of vet. I guess being a former 6th grade Language Arts teacher and now stay-at-home mom wouldn't qualify me in the "successful" category either, had I been named "Most Likely to Succeed."

But that "Most Leadership" title. That actually had some value...perhaps because it put a name to what others saw in me and helped me recognize it more clearly in myself. Lord knows when I think of my accomplishments in life, which isn't often, I don't venture back to this "honor," but I am in the midst of a conundrum that for some reason got me thinking of leadership.

I am the president of my local moms club, a job which I have actually enjoyed this past year (for the most part). It felt like somewhat stimulating brain work, but it wasn't a huge time commitment, and it allowed me to work with some nice ladies.

However, with this pregnancy, I am eager to give it up. Given my anxiety problems after Norah's birth, I just don't know that I will have the mental capacity to handle the commitment, and if there is one thing I hate to do it is commit to something with which I can't actually follow through. If there is one thing I disdain it's someone who commits to something and then gives it up for a reason other than illness or death.

When I was in the midst of my nervous breakdown, I had to tell my former boss that I couldn't continue doing some work that I had told him I would do (although I had nothing unfinished--I just wouldn't be able to start anything new). He was quite understanding, but I felt like an unholy turd (of course, maybe this was partly the anxiety and depression making me feel that way).

Anyway, what frustrates me is that other chapter members don't seem to be stepping up. I guess I am frustrated that no one else seems to want to be "most leadership." Maybe it is too soon, but, God knows, I have sent out enough emails haranguing members about the role. And my biggest problem is that being the way I am, that over-the-top leader in me can't hardly stand the idea of there being no leadership, which then makes me think maybe I should continue to provide leadership WHEN I REALLY DON'T WANT TO!!!!

Nature, and obviously me, abhors a vacuum, so here I am thinking about filling the void with myself, again, for another year. And let me reiterate that I REALLY DON'T WANT TO. It is almost like a Jekyl and Hyde condition with me. Someone please keep me from hurting me!

Or maybe I have a savior complex...I have to "save" the chapter from itself and take on the cross of president.

Although I have worked very hard since high school to improve my leadership skills and have used them in a variety of ways with others, I think this is one of those times I have to lead myself to the best choice. Being a leader right now is about taking care of myself. I think this is likely one of the hardest things for a leader to learn: when to say no.