Co-dependent

Today was my day to babysit for the mom club meeting, but I wanted to make a quick 2-minute announcement prior to the start. Of course, when I told N I had to step out of the room for just a second, she had a complete meltdown. The one child who's mom is staying in the childcare room is the one going ape-shit.

So what does this tell me? It tells me nothing. Being a mom isn't about being told something. It is about guess-work. It is about nothing being certain, only suggested.

I always feel strange whenever someone asks me whether N is going to preschool in the fall. She is not. And I'm not really interested in sending her to a parents' day out program.

I know, I know. I "should" socialize her better. I "should" get her used to being with other adults and not around me. I have always been especially good at listening to what I "should" do, but my instincts and my heart tell me it's not time. Maybe I'm wrong. Who knows?

I like to think that N's internal clock knows what it's ready for and if I read her signs well enough, I'll know how to make my decisions. I'm much more afraid of pushing her too soon and too fast than maybe holding her back a little. Yes, the pacifier drives me a little nuts but it's not her thumb (which I think would be worse) and she'll eventually get over it (although it might require orthodontia to do it). And the potty-training.... she will eventually decide diapers suck and she's sick of having poop caked to her butt.

Maybe some of my hesitation is just the overwhelming push by "society" to make kids grow up. My niece and nephew are in daycare, and I know that decisions about what they can do, should do and will do are predetermined by the daycare based on the kids' ages. Not their abilities, not their temperaments, not their likes or dislikes....just their ages. The same thing applies in school. At certain ages, they learn to do certain things, so what about the kid who's "intuitive internal engine" doesn't operate on that same schedule? She isn't yet 3. And even when she turns 3 in a couple months, she will only be 3.

But I know myself , and I know I'm being selfish too. I want her with me. I don't want her being ready to go off into the world. She will eventually fly, but I'm not going to nudge her out of the nest prematurely because I savor my time with her (even when I'm about up to HERE with her whining or just tired of having to be "on" all the time). I keep telling myself I want to enjoy my now time with her because she will spend most of her life NOT wanting to be around me. I relish this time when she thinks I am the coolest thing on earth because 1. I know I'm not cool and 2. she will soon discover the same.

Plus, I am only just now feeling comfortable in this "mom" skin, and despite these 3 years, every second my self-concept as mom is changing. It is a daily flux. So what am I going to be in 2 years when she starts kindergarten? I'll still be mom, but differently. And radically differently because she'll be not with me for 7+ hours of the day. I'm not ready to start on that slippery slope by having her go to preschool or PDO for 3 hours. I'm simply not ready psychologically for that process to begin.

So for now, it's just me and N, and I'm just going to have to hope that that is perfectly ok.