Sunday, March 25, 2012

Burnout in its various forms

For awhile now I have been suffering from SAH Mommy Burnout.  I keep telling myself that this is normal...that had I been doing anything 24/7 for the past 8 years I would be sick of it.  Other than one 8-hour shopping/lunch spree at some outlet malls with friends when N was about 2 years old, I have not been been even "temporarily childless" for any extended period of time for me to do something fun just for me (not grocery shopping).  D and I have gone out to dinner a handful of times but we haven't gone to a concert or a movie or had a whole night to ourselves that hasn't been interrupted by a child.

Some of this is self-imposed. We haven't taken the time or wanted to spend the money.  And my parents are in their 70s, so I really don't want them keeping the kids overnight.  I mean, I'm 38 and being with them (the kids) wears my ass out.  My MIL is widowed, so I don't really want her dealing with all 3 of mine by herself.  Plus, M is still nursing before bed so that limits me quite a bit.

Lately I have just felt extremely grouchy and too easily set off.  Perhaps I'm having some late 30s hormonal thing going on.  I'm going to bring it up with my psychiatrist when next I see her.

Or perhaps it is that G is still challenging...his usual and something that I hope I will one day just accept.  And now N seems to be going through her own hormonal stuff and is being increasingly difficult with me---wanting my help and not wanting me to help at the same time when it comes to homework and piano practice.

When I have my moments of thinking, "Maybe I should go back to work," I think that I will be spending all day dealing with other people's children. Their attitudes, their tantrums, their unpleasant moods.  So that offers me no solace because I would be strung-out from them and then have to come home to my own children's attitudes, tantrums and unpleasant moods that would likely be even worse because I would have less time to spend with them.  As it is my children, especially G, spend entirely too much of their time vying for my attention.

D is experiencing his own burnout issues that are different from mine.

We are absorbed in our own personal dissatisfactions and also worried about the other's discontent, doubling the ruminating and stewing and general feeling of floundering.  Of muddling through the muck.

This will pass just as mine and D's other funks have passed.
But it makes me think that enjoying the journey of life is overrated.

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