I recently finished John Polidori's The Vampyre and am now on to a different kind of vampire tale, but even if I wasn't, I've long believed that being a vampire would be the worst fate imaginable.
It's not the blood or the taking of life. Those aren't my issues with vampirehood.
The problem is the fucking monotony and the absolute ennui that would ensue after living for hundreds and hundreds or, dear god, thousands of years.
Humans keep humaning in their pathetic and/or atrocious ways.
Like their insistence on measuring girls' clothing lengths. Word on the street is that N's former high school was checking girls shorts today, and this news has put me in the foulest of foul moods.
(Because didn't we just go through this in the before times which weren't that long ago?)
Unless I'm seeing a penis, testicles, nipples, a vulva, gluteal cleft or extensive mammary action, I don't care what a person wears, and I cannot wrap my head around why seeing shoulders and thighs is such a problem for so many people.
But guess what being a vampire would mean?
I WOULD NEVER ESCAPE THE BULLSHIT THAT IS DRESS CODES FOR WOMEN AND GIRLS.
I would never escape buses dropping my kid off on the wrong side of a 5-lane parkway again.
I would never escape having to call and find out if this can be remedied.
I would never escape being interrupted by texts or by my children who don't see me busily working at my desk in what used to be the living room.
I would never escape hormonal mood swings that may cause me hurt someone (or them to hurt me) before menopause is here.
I would never escape the depression that is shopping at Walmart.
I would never escape doing work that doesn't actually get utilized in a purposeful way.
I would never escape litter that tracks itself all over the house and is especially irritating in summer when I have bare feet.
I would never escape the hellscape that we're managing to turn the Earth into.
Despite how funny Laszlo, Nandor, and Colin Robinson make it seem, being a vampire and having my life extended only to witness humanity effing things up sounds unbearable.