A first for this family: ISAP

When I was attending Catholic school, ISAP referred to In-School Atonement Program, but now it is In-School Adjustment Program. Whatever the acronym, my kid has it. 

Last Friday, before I'd fully pulled the car in the garage, before the motor was off, M had his head sticking out the door. Now this isn't necessarily unusual; he sometimes pops his head out if he has just beaten me home. The clue that something was up was the verbal diarrhea that was coming out of him.

It went like this:

M: "Did you get a call from school?"

I knew something was up. 

Me: "No, why?"

And so the long story of what went down with his table of goofy-ass 7th grade boys proceeded. It involved a milk carton and a fist. And stupidity. 

The entire time he was telling me the story of the assistant principal and his Social Studies teacher and what they said to the boys, I was thinking to myself:

YES! YOU ARE AN AWESOME FUCKING MOM BECAUSE THIS KID LISTENED WHEN YOU SAID THAT IF YOU EVER GOT A PHONE CALL HOME FROM SCHOOL ABOUT SOMETHING STUPID HE DID, YOU WOULD SHOW UP AT SCHOOL AND SIT NEXT TO HIM. HE KNOWS YOU FOLLOW THROUGH ON STUFF SO HE TOLD ON HIMSELF. THIS IS A VICTORY! 

When I didn't hear anything from the school on Friday or Monday, I wasn't sure what the situation was, and he wasn't sure what the situation was, but I could tell he was upset about a possible pending disciplinary measure. So I emailed the AP.

And after chatting with her, I talked to M about when he would get his time in ISAP and whether he really wants to get in trouble for other kids doing stupid stuff. (Technically, he touched the milk carton since the boys passed it around the table. He said he barely touched it because he knew it would explode if he hit it hard. I said to him, "You touched it; you're an accessory. You gotta do your time."

I'm hoping that this is a one-off because I was getting pretty used to coasting with my kids. I'm too old and tired to deal with 13-year-old boy hijinks. 

Here's to all the first-day sucks

Normally, I do a first day of school photo, but not this year. 

This year I didn't care. 

Partly because my schedule this month is insane.

But mostly because I know this is a hard year for G since he started high school. Most people dislike change, but he REALLY dislikes change. And like his mother, his anxiety just becomes a horribly shitty mood. I'm old enough now to know that I need to shut the fuck up, but he is 14 and hasn't learned or instilled this habit in himself. 

G had a fairly horrible first day. Now, was it actually fairly horrible? Not sure. If 100 people had his first day, would they agree that it was horrible? I don't know that either. G is a bit of a drama queen and has a low frustration tolerance. 

But several things worked against him:

1--He dressed like he was going on a hike in Siberia when he lives in the South in August (despite his mother urging him NOT to dress this way).

Hoodie=check
Long pants=check
T-shirt under the hoodie=check

Plus a mask (since our area is in COVID red)

2--The bus was packed and it took a long time for all the buses to arrive.

3--Another kid threw up on the bus.

So G got a little motion sick and a lot hot and frustrated. (Although I told him his first day could have been worse because he could have actually puked on the bus like the other kid.)

And then he felt overwhelmed with the 7 classes and the new building and the syllabi and the "Here is what we're going to do this semester" which to G sounds like:

HERE IS WHAT WE EXPECT YOU TO KNOW RIGHT THIS SECOND AND YOU HAVE 10 PAPERS AND THEY ARE ALL DUE IN 2 WEEKS. 

During the school days I was wondering how he was doing, which caused me anxiety. And then after school, I had to listen to him complain and be out of sorts.

There is a saying that a mother is only as happy as her unhappiest child, which means my first three days weren't as stellar as they might have been. 

A reason I'm not sending my kid back to IRL school now (that hadn't occurred to me until recently)

Every parent is having to make decisions right now that both they and their kids can live with regarding in-person school. 

I made the decision to not send my kids back to school for the remainder of this school year.

At its most basic, this decision is about the virus.  

But the decision is about a lot more than the virus, and it took me a little while to see this. 

My basic argument in my head was that all this seemed like an awful lot of work and struggle (especially for teachers and staff) for what will ultimately amount to 12 days of in-person school per child (due to the hybrid scheduling). 

In "normal circumstances," the first six weeks of school in August are aimed at establishing routines (that is 30 days of consistent 5-day-a-week school). To me, starting IRL school in mid-April (after Spring Break when everyone is mentally done with school anyway) seemed like an effort in futility. 

But it dawned on me (finally) that my feelings about this futility had a lot to do with what the virus did to all the work G had done pre-pandemic (starting in November 2019) to manage his OCD. 

He had been going to therapy once a week. 

He was dealing with his uniform and his shoes.

He was going to school ok and managing his anxieties.

And then COVID hit. 

No IRL school; no uniforms; no shoes; nothing normal.

No being around unknown people and having to manage his anxiety in the face of them. 

So a lot of those things that set off his OCD haven't been there for a year. 

Which is EXACTLY the wrong thing when you're doing exposure therapy. The goal is to EXPOSE yourself to the things that cause anxiety. COVID made exposure not happen. 

(If I was a better person, I would have forced him to wear his uniform and put on his shoes, but given all the pandemic and all my dad's stuff and all the STUFF, I didn't have the mental energy to fight with my child constantly.)

And part of the therapy is the consistent practice of managing your anxiety in the face of exposure. Consistent being the operative word. 

To send G back to school now for two days a week in a hybrid schedule means to force him to deal with all of his OCD issues for six weeks inconsistently and then have a huge summer break (again, no consistent practice). 

It means to send him back to deal with all his old OCD issues and all the new anxiety issues from the virus. 

Prior to COVID, G would experience anxiety seeing his classmates and peers act out in school and not do what they were asked to do by teachers. How will he handle seeing this happen with mask-wearing or social distancing? 

Last year, he rode the bus home. How will he handle that, being in obviously close quarters with other kids who may remove their masks and hide behind the seat? 

G could barely manage the uncomfortable feeling of his uniform so I'm not sure he could manage 7+ hours of mask-wearing.

I know there are lots of kids who need to go back and have some semblance of whatever they describe as normal. But there are, I suspect, an awful lot of kids for whom going to school before COVID was an emotional labor that they maybe aren't super keen to return to especially because all the COVID protocols will heighten their anxiety even more. 

My kid is one of those. 

OCD itself is tantamount to rolling a stone up the hill to only have it roll back over and over and over again. It is a labor at all times, and I really do not have the desire to intentionally make ourselves Sisyphean in April of the nearly over school year. 

Parenting advice in a pandemic as it concerns school and normalcy

I hesitate to advise other parents what to do because as a mom of 3, I am winging it just like everyone else.

However, I keep seeing a totally understandable yet problematic thing that parents keep saying socially that has to be seeping to their kids, even if they aren't directly saying it to their kids' faces.

Things like...

"I hate this for you that school won't be..."
"I wish you could have your regular...."
"Maybe you'll be able to have your prom, graduation, whatever like normal..."

(Some parents have even held "small" proms that the local newspaper published pictures of, which just looks like a petri dish of COVID and helps ensure that we won't be able to go back to normal because they keep trying to make life normal now.)

Again, I get it.
As much as I complained about substitute teaching, I would give up my foot to make COVID disappear and go back to life pre-COVID.
I would take an unruly class over this uncertainty and fumbling about trying to create a "new world."
I don't relish the idea of doing virtual learning for my kids.

COVID has cost me income (of my 4 part-time jobs, I am currently doing 1, and I'm thankful as hell for it.)
COVID has impacted my mental health.
And I'm freaking privileged and can put food on the table and pay my mortgage because D still has his job.

But pining for the way things used to be right now is an effort in futility.
Wishing things could go back is not helping your kids adapt.
Promising to give them pre-COVID experiences to assuage their loss (and YOUR loss) is not helping either of you.

As Elsa says, LET IT FUCKING GO.
(Ok, that is the non-Disney version of Elsa.)

I only play a therapist on tv, but what I have been trying to tell myself is that we will adapt.
We'll adjust to whatever.
School may look different, but my kids will get used to it.
We will find that there are benefits to the new way of doing things that we wouldn't have had the opportunity to discover had we not gone through what is unarguably a suck-ass experience.

My hope is that my forcing myself to let whatever "normal" was and looked like go is going to help both me and my kids move forward.

Because wallowing in what was and what we'd like to be is pointless.

Pandemic parenting expectations after reading a novel about a pandemic

I finished Station Eleven by Emily St. John Mandel a few days ago, and it made me feel much better about my inability and/or refusal to even attempt to make my kids' lives normal right now.

Normal is over.
And I don't know if this is temporary or permanent.

I do not have the mental energy to do anything more than keep my kids fed, relatively clean, and ensure they survive.
I'm not worried at all about whether their reading or math scores decline as a result of NTI this past spring.
I'm not worried that they aren't reaching whatever "potential" they might have.
I don't know that too many people right now are meeting their greatest potential.
Because self-actualization becomes not so critical in unique situations such as these.
Maybe there are some people, but I'm not one of them.

In St. John Mandel's novel, the pandemic that impacts the world kills somewhere around 99% of the population, and it does so within 48 hours, which I think is a mercy.
There are few things worse than unknowns and uncertainties as far as I'm concerned.
If COVID-19 were far more deadly, perhaps people would be taking it more seriously than they are.
Although I doubt it.

When my kids were younger, it was easier to have "engagement" summers.
They were happy to play in the backyard or go where I thought would be a fun spot.
Now they are older; they don't care, and I don't care enough to fight with them about it.
And during a COVID summer, my anxiety at being out among other humans, most of whom aren't wearing masks, is greater than my desire to have my kids doing self-actualization activities.
We won't be going to museums or malls or anywhere that we don't absolutely have to go.

A parent I interviewed for a magazine article recently said that either she or her husband go to the store "as tribute," which I thought was the most brilliant thing ever and am now applying to my life.

We have always kept the bar pretty low for entertaining our children, and I am so glad for that practice now.

As I read the aforementioned book, it occurred to me that kids in this pandemic mostly 1. died or 2. had to survive in ways that were probably horrible.
Their parents, were they even still alive, were far too busy finding food or drowning in their own psychological trauma to worry too much about their kids being engaged.

We had a meeting about field hockey, and while I will support N, I also am the type of person who doesn't like to invest too much effort and energy into something that seems fairly unlikely to happen.

This is, of course, the exact opposite of sports enthusiasts who want to be prepared and "ready to play" should the season actually happen.

My personal feeling is that the schools are going to find it difficult enough to figure out how to educate during COVID; I think they aren't going to think it is worth the effort, headache, and liability of extracurricular activities.
I just don't think they are saying this as yet.
But I suspect they will.

Whatever conditioning occurs will be an effort in "pretending to care about sports during pandemic" for me, although this, in truth, isn't too far from my normal "pretending to care about sports" status.

There is an awful lot of going through the motions for me now.
Which may also be permanent or temporary.
Uncertainty is cruel. 

The dress code as it nears possible change

Yesterday I attended the SBDM meeting about dress code.
This was not a "vote" but a first-read of the changes that parents and students would like to see made.
There will be a second read next month followed by a vote.

I have mixed feelings about the whole entire thing.

On the one hand, I'm glad that many of the dress code proposals are being discussed.
A discussion is needed.

One of the SBDM parents who has worked with other parents on developing the revised code was very clear about what the thinking was behind the changes and what concerns exist.
She was an effective advocate.
It helped that there were a handful of parents attending who could bear witness to the conversation and the discussion.
The news media was there, too, which doesn't hurt.

I watched a TedTalk today about how important it is to ask questions.

Last night's meeting was a good reminder of why it is critical to ask things like, "Why do we even have this rule? What were we thinking when we made it in the first place?"
Because sometimes the reasons why a rule was created no longer exist or they exist in a different way and because we haven't thought about why the rule was created, we don't revise it when we should.
We get stuck in a "that's the way we've always done it" routine.
I saw that in action at the meeting.

But I'd be lying if I said that, given everything I know, I don't feel that getting a new dress code is cause for celebration.
I will not feel a sense of victory when all this is said and done.

What I noticed with my own eyes and ears is that there is a palpable fear on the part of teachers (or at least those on SBDM) about what these dress codes will mean, and I'm not sure I understand it.

It is hard for me to empathize because dress codes are not a hill I choose to die on.
I didn't spend one second focused on what kids in my class were wearing when I was in the classroom full-time or when I'm in a classroom subbing.
My focus is 1. are they learning and 2. are they respectful in the ways that truly matter.

I nailed kids on lying to me and cheating on homework because that matters.
I nailed kids on not doing their work because they could do it, and I knew it, and that matters.
Whether they had rips in their jeans at the thigh matters not one iota.
I personally believe that some kids who know a teacher makes a stink about dress code will actively violate the dress code for the pleasure of seeing their teacher's head pop off.
(This sounds like something I might do, to be honest.)

I'm not saying their fear is unwarranted; I simply don't get it.

What I heard with my own ears is that some teachers look at this incident as "an unhappy parent complaining to the media" (which I think means me).
And I know that this same song was said to parents at the district's showcase of schools.
Things like, "Oh, the news reports are overstated. It was just one angry parent."

So in the same way that I don't "get" their concerns, they don't seem to "get" parents' concerns about girls being disproportionately impacted by dress code restrictions.

And what that says to me is that there is a culture issue, a climate issue that cannot be remedied by changing a dress code.
The dress code may be changed, but the mindset will not.
And so if this ends up being a "victory," it won't really feel like one.
While I think I knew this would be the case, it still feels a little disappointing.

Am I the only person who sees the problem with this?

Prior to the first day of school, I checked the district's bus finder app to determine where my son would catch the bus on the first day (when I made him ride in both the morning and afternoon).
He stood at the stop, the bus came, and then the bus completely blew past him and went to the other side of the neighborhood.
It didn't slow down. It didn't stop. It didn't collect $200.

And my response to myself was, "What the fuck?"
Because the bus finder app shows the only stop for this bus and our address is the intersection closest to our house.

So I called the bus compound, and they radioed the driver who came back to pick up my son.
His response was, "I've been driving this bus for a long time, and I've never picked up here."
My response to him was, "Well, the bus finder app shows this as being the stop so I guess ya'll better figure out your stuff."

G has been dropped off at the correct intersection (per the bus finder app) ever since.
Until the other day, when he was dropped off in front of our house.
Which was weird.
And then today he was dropped off on the other side of the neighborhood (see first day of school story above).

So I checked the bus finder to see if it had changed, and it has not.
Same as before school began.
Same as on the first day of school.

I called the compound and was told by some lady who wasn't especially nice, "Your kid can walk. There's no permanent bus driver."
So I called the compound OVER that compound and said to the nicer lady who actually listened to what my issue was:
1. I know bus drivers have difficult jobs.
2. My son can walk; that is not the problem.
3. The problem is that whether the bus driver has driven a bus for 10 years or 10 minutes, shouldn't the bus driver, whether permanent or temporary, follow the map that PARENTS FOLLOW PER THE DISTRICT BUS FINDER APP?

Because my kid is old enough to walk a block or three home, but what if he was in first grade?
What if he was autistic or had some issue that made it difficult for him to deviate from a routine (and, honestly, OCD is kinda that way).
What if a grandparent was supposed to get him from the bus dropoff but the bus driver drops off on the other side, and the grandparent doesn't know about it.

I know, I know.
I'm too focused on this whole "consistency" thing.
I'm beginning to think that it is I who has the problem.

If I develop a drinking problem, it's my middle child's fault

In my 15 years of mothering, I've gotten pretty good at feeling like I sorta know what I'm doing.
The kids have survived all these years, right?

But I have decided that getting my middle child through middle school is going to result in me developing a serious drinking problem.
I can't even begin to think what a nightmare getting through high school will be.
I think at some point, I will move into an apartment and leave my husband and G to their own devices, figuring out how to fix dinner together.
That's assuming the stress of raising this kid to near adulthood doesn't actually kill me.

I love my son, but he is an ass.
Some of his assness is because he is 12.
Some of his assness is because he has OCD/anxiety and takes his frustrations with these out on the people he knows will love him no matter what.
Some of his assness is simply his personality.
He is the trifecta of assness.

Tonight he did one question in an ELA packet.
One question took one hour, mostly because he was being an ass.

He wants to mansplain how to write open-response answers with text evidence like I have no freaking clue what I'm doing.
Like I haven't read and annotated this book--which I have.
Like I haven't taught this book to middle schoolers--which I have.

He asks for my help and then argues with me while I'm trying to help him.

It's like all the stuff I learned about parenting my daughter doesn't actually count because she and G could not be more different.
I didn't worry about her getting through middle school.
I didn't become one of "those moms" that get notifications from the grading portal all the time.
I didn't have to go to conferences on non-conference days to figure out why the actual heck my male child cannot seem to get his paper turned in when the kid doesn't even use his locker.

I am now all of those things, and I hate it. 

Persona non grata

If there is anything I learned as an economics major, it is that there is no such thing as a free lunch.
There is always, always, always a cost.
To everything.

The cost may be financial.
Or emotional.
Or time-related.
Or professional.

But there is a cost for everything.

First, before I go any further, I'd like to mention that even though I was royally pissed about the band director's behavior back in the summer, I never sent a shrieking email to him or the principal.
I'm glad I didn't.
I wrote my two venting emails on this blog and got it out of my system.

Ultimately, I decided that the band director's reputation as an a-hole precedes him so me sending an email wouldn't be telling anyone something they don't already know.

Not sending that email made me seem less like an irrational banshee when I went haywire about the dress code, which definitely deserved a ranting email.

Even though I'm really glad I stood up for girls and parents about the dress code, I understand there is a cost to me for being "the troublemaker."

I have not been asked to be on the committee addressing the dress code, which has bothered some people who have been asked to be on the committee.
"You need to be a part of this," is what I've been told.

But the cost is that I'm persona non grata among administrators and probably a lot of other staff.
The cost is that I'm not included.
And that's ok with me.
It might even be preferable to "the cause" if I'm not included.
Being included could just serve to piss people off.

This whole shebang isn't about me at all, even though I became, for a short time, the face and the voice of the shebang.
It is about the dress code.
If the dress code is changed to be more inclusive and less arbitrary and less restrictive, then it doesn't matter who changes it.
I don't have to be a part of it at all.

It has also crossed my mind that this event and my speaking out could cost me professionally at some point, should I ever want to work full-time in the district.

But, ultimately, I have to live with myself, and I couldn't live with myself if I didn't do what I did.
And I guess that means that I stand up for what I believe in.
And I speak out when things are wrong.
And I put kids first.

There are worse things a teacher can be.

Oh Jesus. It's dress code bullshit again

N's high school decided to attempt to enforce it's dress code at homecoming dance last night. I say attempted because dress codes are subjective and difficult to consistently enforce. Because I recognize this and had such an impossible task last year when trying to find a dress for my 5'8" daughter to wear that came down to 2 inches above the knee, I saved photos on my computer of girls who were let into last year's dance as evidence (if I ever needed it) of how arbitrary the dress code is.

I had those photos and a sign that said "Down w/ Sexist Dress Codes" when I went up to her school last night after getting calls/texts from my daughter and mom friends who said girls were being measured with RULERS at the dance.

Many were told they could not come in. Many students were milling around the parking lot waiting on their parents to get them when the police told them they were trespassing and had to leave. Many were kids I stood with on the sidewalk and waited for their parents to come since no high school staff waited with the kids. No police waited with them either.

I called my school board member. I emailed the principal. I encouraged the students to politely email the principal. I encourage everyone whose son didn't go into the dance because his date wasn't allowed into the dance to email the principal.

Below is my letter to the principal and the board member. It is followed by the letter my daughter sent her teachers and staff to let them know how it affected her. It is a little heartbreaking, and I don't have much of a heart to begin with.

My Letter

I understand that EHS has the right to establish a dress code. 

However, the problem with dress codes is that they generally affect female students, and they are horribly subjective in nature. An identical dress that comes to 2 inches above the knee on one girl may be 4 inches above the knee for another girl. 

EHS has been completely inconsistent regarding dress codes to dances. I have photos of dresses that were allowed into the homecoming dance in 2018. These dresses were above 2 inches. They look, in terms of length, IDENTICAL to the dresses of girls that were not let into the dance this evening. I am happy to provide these photos to you so you can see just how inconsistent EHS has been. 

I spoke with one young woman tonight who was not allowed in because of cleavage. Her friend, who had similar cleavage, was allowed in. This student provided me a photo as well. 

A young man not wearing a tie was not allowed into tonight's dance. Another young man wearing jeans WAS allowed into the dance. While girls received the bulk of the inconsistency from ESH administration, some young men felt it, as well. 

You may say "we have posted the dress code regularly since time immemorial," and that is the truth. However, having a dress code and consistency enforcing a dress code are two very different things. 

Additionally, I'm not sure EHS staff understands that parents purchase the dresses that are available to purchase in stores. I don't know a single mother who wouldn't love to find the "Hit at the Kneecap" dress shop, but this shop doesn't exist. 

With all due respect, the homecoming dance was a complete shitshow. 

By the time I arrived because my daughter was scared of all the hullabaloo and called me, the police were there and told everyone, including groups of students waiting for their parents to pick them up, that they must get off the property. No EHS staff members came out to supervise the students as far as I could see, therefore another mom and I stood on the front sidewalk on OS Road to ensure the kids got picked up. As far as I'm concerned, this went from a dress code issue and became a safety issue for these students. 

At the very least, there needs to be a community discussion with EHS staff and parents to try to resolve this issue that has angered many, many parents. 

Her Letter

In this email, I have included teachers that I had last year and now have this year, and administrators. Please share this with other teachers who want change about this pressing matter. 

You’re probably aware of the chaos that took place tonight at the homecoming dance, but I would like to tell you about my experience and spread the word. It would mean a lot to me if you read this whole thing and could understand what happened. 

I was so excited to spend time with my friends this year at the homecoming dance. We spent lots of time doing our makeup and hair beforehand and lots of money for our outfits. We were eating dinner when we received texts from friends about the administrators using rulers to measure dresses and being super strict. 

When we arrived at school for the dance, there was a large crowd of people outside the doors in the upper lot. We had heard that they weren’t letting many people in because of the length of their skirts. I was even told that some guys weren’t allowed because they weren’t wearing a tie. I stood outside with my friends for over an hour, waiting to get through the doors. We didn’t even make it inside the building until a long time after the dance started. 

While we were waiting, I witnessed many groups of girls exiting the building, some even crying. They had been told to leave because of their skirt length. The rule was to the knee, but people received an email that stated “dresses must be no more than 2 inches above the knee.” I understand how some people weren’t allowed in, but most girls with respectable and completely appropriate dress lengths were discriminated against. 

I have attached pictures of me and my friends, all in our dresses that me and many other people think are appropriate. I also attached the email that I received. After groups of people had left the building, they were standing in the parking lot waiting for a ride because they were just kicked out. The police had parked a car in front of the sidewalk, (picture attached) and had ordered people to leave the property. I know a group of girls who had stood on the sidewalk somewhere, and my mom drove up to come wait with them until they got picked up safely. (Picture attached.) 

When my friends and I finally made it inside, I did the breathalyzer and stepped up to the ID table. They acknowledged my friend as being a teacher at school’s daughter, and allowed her to proceed without measuring. My other friend asked if we could be measured before showing anything or paying. We were told to just show our IDs and then we’d get measured, so we did. 

I stepped up to the administrator and her immediate reaction was a scowl. She told me that I wasn’t going to cut it. The administrator then told me to pull my dress down to the longest length I could, and measured it from there. She told me that I “barely made it,” and told me I was okay. I turned around and started bawling. At this point I knew I wasn’t staying, but I needed to hear it anyways. Someone hugged me and my group then turned around and left. We were absolutely horrified, and felt embarrassed and violated. We had just been told that covering our bodies was more important than having fun. My friend was not refunded her $10 after we left, and now the sophomore class will not have enough money for our senior activities. This dance was our main source of profit for these activities, and our night was completely ruined. We had been looking forward to this for awhile, and were very let down by our school and the administration. 

After this awful incident, me and many others are asking for change. I know many girls who wasted money and time to dress up for this dance, and a number of guys who were angry and upset because their girlfriends or girls they knew were objectified. This was many people’s first date, first high school dance, or last high school homecoming dance. This whole situation makes me sick to my stomach and even hours after, I still feel nauseous. Everyone is upset, and I am not going to let this go until change is enforced. I hope you can understand, and maybe try to bring more attention to the subject. I am now scared to go to school on Monday because of the consequences that might be awaiting. Thank you for your time, and have a good night. 

Anxious mom sending her anxious child to middle school

Here is what rational brain keeps saying:

You worried about how he'd do in preschool, and he did great.
You worried about how he'd do in elementary school, and he did great.
You are probably worrying about how he'll do in middle school, and he'll probably do great.

Irrational brain, however, is over here beating this drum:

He's going to be miserable. His OCD will go off-the-chain. He is going to start failing classes. It is going to be an even bigger vat of suck than what middle school already is. 

I think part of the reason I haven't been crazy gung-ho for school to start is because of G starting middle school and just not knowing what this is going to mean for him, for me, and for our family.
This year I have been happy to live in a little bubble of avoidance.

G's modus operandi has always been to do great at school, to hold it together there, and then lose his freaking mind at home. Become tantrumy and belligerent.
This is not unusual for kids with anxiety.

He had gotten to a point where this wasn't happening other than a rare episode.
I don't want to start this again, even though I know we have a physician in place now to help us.

So with this school year, I'm not over-the-top exuberant to have my house to myself again because even though I have been able to clean with the peace of knowing that it will stay clean until approximately 2:45, I'm an anxious pile of goo at the prospect of how G is, how he's feeling, and how he will react or decompress when he gets home. 

Teacher sickout (short-term, long-term, and realities)

I take the teacher sickout in stride for a number of reasons.

Partly, I think about the short-term consequences and the long-term consequences and try to balance those against realities.

I could complain mightily because as a sub, I've lost two days of pay. For me, this doesn't affect my family's ability to eat or pay bills, so I take it in stride, but I understand how subs who do rely on the pay each day would be frustrated.

That is the short-term view, and I know that there are plenty of people who are focused on the short-term because they do not have the luxury of focusing on the long-term.

The short-term view individual may be frustrated that kids are out of school today because it is an inconvenience. Having to wrangle child care is frustrating, although if it were snowing or flooding or too cold, that frustration would still exist. Or if the child was sick. Or if the school was closed due to flu. Being a working parent means having to deal with all kinds of unexpected issues.

The short term view also worries about what kids are missing each day they are out of school and how that will impact them overall for the year.

All of these short-term concerns are valid. I have some of them myself.

But that doesn't mean the long-term doesn't matter.

The long-term view is that the school year will run longer, so subs who are missing pay now can make up for it when the days are extended into June.

The long-term view is that childcare people would have had to figure out for the end of May or early June is a non-issue because children will be going to school then.

The long-term view is that for most kids, losing some educational time is not going to make a dent in their overall education if their parents are doing things like reading with them each day and providing cultural opportunities and talking to their children. And the children whose parents don't do these things and never have are already so behind that missing a few days of school isn't going to make them significantly worse. If a 6th grader can only read at a 4th-grade level, these three (or four or five or however many) sickout days don't mean beans.

I say this from my own 4th-grade experience when my teacher became ill, and we had a series of substitute teachers. If you have a good sub, children can learn. If you have a crap sub, not much happens. (To be fair: if you have a teacher who leaves crap plans and has never had good management of a classroom, not much happens either). I went to a private school, and 4th grade was a bust.

Somehow, though, I ended up with a master's degree plus credits (which has more to do with my parents being educated and on my ass about my education and in a stable marriage and financially sound).

The long-term view is also why the sickouts are occurring. If charter schools are funded, this is going to have a long-term impact on public schools that will affect subs, parents, and students in ways that few people fully understand.

Myself included.

I don't KNOW what charter schools would mean. But I have CONCERNS about what they would look like and how they would impact public education.

When I'm feeling particularly fatalistic, I just want charter schools to come around and let the chips fall where they may. Let's see whether they are as wonderfully redemptive as some people make them out to be. A recent news story out of Nashville, TN suggests that they may not be as fantastic as they seem.
And this one out of Buffalo, NY.
And in New Orleans, LA.
These are just three news stories.
But that's a lot of potential disruption to a child's education, and I would venture to say schools closing their doors forever seems far more disruptive than three or four sickout days.

(Let me say that I don't always or necessarily agree with the funding decisions by public school districts. I think money is sometimes spent wastefully. But there is a certain amount of transparency that may not happen with private/charter schools).

So what concerns do I have about charter schools?

1. Skill?

Teachers in public education have to meet certain pretty stringent qualifications, which charter school teachers do not have to have. Just because a teacher has an advanced degree does not mean he/she is amazing, but it means they have had instruction in child development and the content they teach.

Just as I wouldn't want a plumber to do my sinus surgery, I wouldn't want someone without a teaching degree to teach my kids for any great length of time. I wouldn't want someone who has never taken a woodworking class or apprenticed to take a whack at my hardwood flooring.

2. What happens to the remaining public schools and their students?

If charter schools come along and siphon students, then the students who are left in public schools may be the toughest kids to teach, the kids who have the lowest opportunities and structure outside of school.  What happens if all the charter schools are full of the "wonderful" kids, and my kid or YOUR kid has to attend the public school where a large portion of the well-behaved, highly motivated kids no longer attend. What is going to happen to your child's education if this situation occurs? Because not every kid will be guaranteed a spot in charter schools. Your kid, whom you think might make it into a charter school, might not.

If this is the situation, what kinds of teachers are the public schools going to be able to hire? If your kid doesn't get into the charter school, then you may be left with the coffee dregs, not only in terms of the student population but also teacher qualifications.

(I don't know this for certain, but it is a question I have.)

3. Closings

If a charter school your child attends shuts down, what rights do their parents have to their children's transcripts, and what rights to students have to their credits?

What happens if a child's charter high school closes down, and the child goes to another private charter school? Is it possible that the charter school makes them jump through extra hoops or payments in the form of summer classes? I don't know, but I have this question.

What happens if a charter school closes down, and the owners/operators simply vanish? How does a parent get a record of credits and classes to give to the new charter school? While this news story out of Michigan is from 2016, I find the situation troubling.

And a general thing that perturbs me:

Our district provides a school calendar, and on this calendar, it shows the absolute last day that students could possibly have school if school is called off for whatever reason. That date for this year is June 11. The days when school could be extended to beyond what we "hope" is the last day are always highlighted in a color, typically yellow.

With these sickout days, I have seen many parents complaining about their summer plans being ruined. Something as simple as a calendar is either misread or actively ignored by parents. Parents plan their vacations for these "yellow--potential to be school days if school has to be canceled." So either parents misunderstand the calendar, or they did what they wanted to do and hoped that school would be done in accordance with their vacation wishes.

Parents have every right to decide to pull their kids out early if they are going on vacation, but it drives me nuts that they bellyache about it. The district tells parents the dates when school MAY happen due to unforeseen circumstances. Usually, those circumstances are weather, but sometimes they are not. If you don't want to feel bad about pulling your kids out of school, then don't plan your vacation until after those dates have passed.

Today's rant/lecture is over. 

Teacher sickouts, pensions, and school choice

Today is another sick out for our district's teachers.
I am not complaining. I am doing a 12-day (now 11-day) sub job with 7th graders, and I'd be lying if I said it bothered me to sleep until 9 am today.

There are many things that teachers are protesting; some of which I agree with, and some of which I don't.

I am finishing up a book called Nudge about libertarian paternalism, which I think describes what I believe in a lot of ways. Not every way, of course. That would be too easy. Given the sickouts, I have been metacognating on various public education issues.

Pensions

Personally, I don't like pensions, but I suspect much of that is because I didn't go into teaching until after I'd held a job in the private sector. I had a 401(k) for five years prior to teaching. That was what I was used to.

I like being in control of my retirement; saving as much or as little as I want and determining where it goes. Given what has happened with pensions in our state, I certainly trust the market and myself more than I trust legislators to not tap into retirement savings for public workers.

When I left full-time teaching, I rolled my pension contributions into an IRA. Now that I am back subbing, I am once again enrolled in the pension, although I will never retire from it with full years of service. Whatever I will get will be a pittance. I could buy back my 15 years, but I have no desire or intention to do so, especially given that lack of trust I mentioned.

I'm not sure if a pension system works as well as it used to when people expected to work for the same employer their entire careers. Teaching is so hard, I think it's a miracle that people do it for 27 years and stay sane.

Still, I think that if individuals go into teaching expecting a pension and being told that they will get defined benefits, the state needs to follow through on promises.

School choice

Everyone likes choice, and everyone thinks they like lots of choices. But the ice cream section of the grocery tells me that people cannot handle too many choices. In reality, our brains can only handle a small selection of choices in most things.

What I find maddening in the local district's situation is how many people say they want choice and then in equal measure condemn our district because the choices are too confusing.

G will be attending our "neighborhood" middle school. He could have applied to at least two other schools and likely would have gotten into both based on his gifted/talented scores. But he would have had to apply, write essays, and it would mean longer bus rides and being further away from home each day (which might interfere with his involvement in afterschool activities). He opted to go the easy route, which was fine by me, considering I've been driving N to and from "choice" schools for four years.

Due to G's OCD issues, I am fully prepared to have to make changes to his educational program in the coming years, which could mean homeschooling him or putting him into a different school. Neither of these would be my preference, and both would involve sacrifice, both financial and psychological.

I am a product of private education, and while I think I received a good education, I was a motivated student without behavior problems. My concern with the desire to siphon money from public education to private education (i.e. "school choice") is the kids who will never, ever, ever be able to get into a charter school.

My kids are bright, have good executive functioning skills, and are well-behaved. Personally, if our state went to private schools, my kids would be totally fine. My kids will get a good education wherever they go because D and I educate our kids. We are involved, and we are financially stable.

Yesterday, I subbed with a group of 7th-grade kids. Many of them have special needs and lack parent support (either because their own parents are hot messes or because they are simply unable to be more involved due to jobs, other kids, etc). These are kids who, if they were accepted into a charter school, would likely be tossed out on their heads within minutes. Their parents, who likely work in low-paying retail, fast food or nursing home jobs, don't make enough to pay for any kind of tuition. Someone making $18,000 a year with multiple kids cannot afford a private choice school.

I say this as someone who works for a private educational institution when she's not working in the public schools. The cottage school I work for is very good because the directors strive to hire people who have backgrounds in education and who have taught before. But there is a certain amount of instability that comes with the cottage school because we rent space each year. Parents who are committed to homeschooling and love our program would hate to see it disappear, but they won't be "left in a complete bind" if we did close down. A parent whose child attends a 5-day-a-week charter school would not have this flexibility.

While I feel like the oversight on public education and chronic standardized testing is a pain and mind-numbing, I worry about the lack of oversight on charter schools, especially for vulnerable populations of people.

Until or unless you are in public schools working regularly with these students, you do not have any CLUE what I'm talking about. If our governor came to some of the schools I've subbed in and tried to get anything done, I feel 95% certain he would be eaten alive. Some of these hard-to-reach students would take his pious, patronizing tone and destroy him with it.

Yesterday, a 7th grader came to school reeking of pot; I'm not certain if he still had some on him or not. Suffice it to say, he is not a student with straight As who is highly motivated to be at school. Some students are dropped off at school by parents who open their car doors and a plume of pot scent follows the student as they exit the vehicle.

I'm not sure why anyone thinks a choice of schools is going to make this kid's life miraculously better.

God don't care what you wear, and neither do I

This is what I said to my 9-year-old today before church.

He wore a red shirt, blue shorts, and tennis shoes with no socks to church today (February--still definitely winter although a balmy 60 degrees today).

His clothes are clean.
He took a shower and washed his hair yesterday.
He did not actually brush his hair today, though.
I'm 99% certain he had not brushed his teeth before church.

Provided things (except teeth, I guess) are clean and do not have offensive stuff on them, I don't care what my kids wear.
(If a person is offended because my kids don't dress up for church, though, I can't help 'em.)

I am finding myself even changing my mind about what a person wears to a funeral home wake.

I used to be pretty rigid in my opinion that a person shouldn't wear jeans, but I've since decided that the most important thing is to show up and offer your love to the people who have experienced loss. They probably don't pay attention to what anyone is wearing; the day is generally a blur, so why worry if you have jeans on?
Just show up.

Same rules apply at church.
Just show up.

Basically, my rules of attire can be summed up by Kurt Cobain: "Come as you are."

This general "meh" attitude about dressing made M's George Washington project for school a bit tricky.
This coming week he has to dress up as ole George,



and George was a pretty swanky dresser, at least in this picture.

So I turned to Pinterest and very quickly decided that I had to go the lazy Pinterest route. The non-glitter, non-extra, non-sewing, and mostly non-caring-that-much route.

M will wear this getup for his 5-minute presentation and then it will be done. Preserved for eternity in the district's digital backpack and otherwise forgotten by him and me.

So I turned to a friend whose children are much better dressed than mine to borrow a blue blazer.
I found an old doily and tacked it to a strip of fabric I found for the cravat.
I made epaulets from yellow cardstock and strips of yellow yarn and tacked those on the shoulders (I do own needles and thread and I can do the most basic of tacking and stitching.)
Shoe buckles are yellow cardstock, too.

I was not about to go buy a white dress shirt, so we're using a plaid shirt and some khaki pants that my brother has handed down from his boys.

He looks pretty adorable to me, especially for a brief speech.
And, fortunately, M is unlike G in that he doesn't care that much either.

The ambush: "The rest of the story"

Sister girl texted me the afternoon of the first day of school and said her husband is just gonna drive their daughter to school.

I suspect they didn't actually do the math prior to the first day and determine that by the time they get to my house, they are nearly halfway to the high school.

If they are gonna drive that far, they might as well go the distance.

I'm off the hook.

The response to my dress code letter to the counselor

I sent my dress code email on Friday.
I heard back yesterday morning from the counselor.
Tomorrow is graduation, so if you are counting that left me two days (during which I subbed) to purchase whatever remedy I need.

Fortunately, even though I sent the email, I know very well that rules are rules.
I didn't really expect the powers that be would allow little ole me to have an exception.
Mostly my email was to tell them that I dislike their inconsistency: two inches or fingertip length. Pick one and run with it, baby.

I'm not done writing letters, though.

A friend commented on my post about dress extenders, something I had never heard of.
But now we own one.
It cost $44.
I probably could have gotten another dress for cheaper, but I am nothing if not stubborn, and my daughter is gonna wear.that.blasted.dress even if she has to have a dress extender under it.

The counselor's letter was what I expected to receive:

Dear Ms. V--
Thanks for reaching out. We have had many discussions in our administration team about the dress code.
Our dress code states that dress and skirt length must be no more than two inches above the knee. This is what has been sent in each communication about promotion since March.

While I expected this, I also think it came across completely tone deaf.

I would have said something like, "I totally understand how difficult it is to find dresses that girls like and meet the dress code, and we've discussed the code many times as an administrative team, but we can't allow exceptions. If we do it for one, we have to do it for all."

Had it said something on the order of THAT, my dander would not be as up as it still is. As it now stands, I'm taking my damn tape measure tomorrow, and you better believe if I see a girl with a short dress on that is higher than 2 inches above the knee, I'm asking the counselor why SHE got to participate without changing anything.

I pulled out the original dress code sheet that was sent home at the beginning of the year, and it does say under Uniform Slacks/Skirts/Shorts/Skorts, that skirts/shorts/skorts must be no more than 2 inches from the top of the knee.

However, my daughter wore shorts both yesterday and Friday that were WAY ABOVE 2 inches above the top of the knee, and nothing was said. The teachers measured by the fingertip rule. The dance dress==fingertip rule.

My problem is both the rule and the lack of consistency in the rule.
Unlike adherence to the dress code at the school, I don't think those are gonna change.

"Appropriate" dress, dress codes, and what really matters

I am not anti-dress code, but I also don't like people telling me what to do or how to think or what to believe.

I've got a libertarian streak in me that I generally keep under the radar.

As much as I want to adhere to rules and be a good little citizen, I also firmly believe that some rules have unintended consequences that teach lessons far worse than whatever the rule was supposed to teach.

After my "dress codes suck" post yesterday, a friend remarked that her son had worn camouflage pants to school, in a pattern that was so subtle my friend hadn't even noticed there was a camo pattern. He had to wait in the office until his mom could come to school and was told he could not make up whatever he'd missed during that time in the office. But he COULD go home from school "sick" and make up what he had missed.

So in upholding the dress code, the administrators inadvertently provided an incentive for the parent and child to lie in order to make up the missed work. Smart thinking administrators and way to send a message.

(By the way, I don't blame my friend for pulling him out "sick" at all. The student should have been allowed to go back to class until his mom was able to come, especially since his butt, nipples, abs, shoulders, or whatever other body parts are taboo weren't showing.)

Another friend posted about how her daughter had been allowed to stay at school until an hour before the end of the school day, and then one teacher "dress-coded" her. One.hour.before.school.ended. Every other teacher either didn't notice what she wore or didn't think it was a problem until 6th period Stan.

This is why dress codes are frequently obnoxious. The stickler and the laid-back teachers and administrators are at odds. I would be a terrible person to work in a dress-code-stringent school because my feeling is that the MOST important thing is that a kid is in my class learning. I don't care if they have a spaghetti strap or a camo pattern or if they are wearing a belt provided their pants stay up without one.

Be working hard, be learning. Otherwise, I don't care.

Today, I took my children to church, and I wore shorts, as did my children. All of our butts were covered.

I spent my entire childhood 1. being made to go to church when I didn't want to go and 2. having to wear clothes to church that my parents deemed appropriate. Jeans were NOT appropriate. I could wear shorts only one day of the year, which was the day of the church picnic. That was also the only day each year when I enjoyed going to church.

Suffice it to say, I have a long personal history of wanting to say "eff you" to the rules established by authority as they concern my clothing.

(What is MOST maddening is that now my PARENTS WEAR JEANS TO CHURCH because my mother thinks it is stupid to get dressed up for an hour to come home and change back into the clothes she just had on an hour ago. This suggests I have always had the "f*ck this sh*t" attitude of an 80-year-old woman.)

Here is what my son wore to church today:

There are all kinds of things "wrong" with him, in terms of dress codes. He has long hair. He doesn't match. He is wearing shorts. He wore flip-flops. Some would say he is COMPLETELY disrespectful to the church and to God.

I wish he would cut his hair shorter, and I wish he would dress a little nicer, but I also don't think hair or clothing, especially if butt, nipples, abdominals are covered and there are no cuss words on his clothing, are worth fighting over.

During prayer concerns today, this kid raised his hand to ask the congregation to pray for a little first-grade boy at his school who has a form of brain cancer and will likely not survive a year.

This little "non-dress-code appropriate" kid was being more Jesus-like than perhaps a lot of the people there who were dressed "appropriately." He was thinking about someone suffering, someone who needs prayers, and he had the gumption to raise his hand and speak in front of everyone.

The lesson I take from this, that I believe with every fiber of my being, is that clothes don't matter. My kid, dress code-wise, is a disaster, but as a decent human being, he is doing a pretty freaking great job.

Also, for all intents and purposes, Jesus wore flip-flops. 

Dress codes for girls can kiss my ass

Here is what it is like to be a girl.

Select a dress for a dance. It has to be finger-tip length (meaning when you hold your arms down, it has to be as long as your fingertips on your leg or longer). Said dress meets this qualification.

Since your mother is cheap, and this dress costs more than she'd like, she says you have to wear the dress to both the dance AND your graduation. Mother is striving to not raise an entitled child.

Even the Duchess of Cambridge wears her stuff twice.

Wear the dress to your middle school dance. No administrator or teacher says anything about it being too short or too tight.

After buying this dress, you get notice that the graduation dress requirement is 2 inches above the knee. You don't pay any attention to this because it is March.

There is snow on the ground. Who the hell is thinking about May?

Fast-forward to May. You get another reminder that dresses have to be 2 inches above the knee. Girls start panicking. Is my dress ok? Is my dress too short? Will they let me walk if I show up in whatever I've already spent money on and WORE ALREADY TO A BLANGED SCHOOL DANCE AT WHICH NO ONE SAID ANYTHING???

Anxiety is so pervasive it jumps to mother. Mother emails counselor explaining that this dress was bought in February, and we aren't the Kardashians and don't buy a new outfit for every occasion. Also, seeking clarification on how to successfully SHORTEN DAUGHTER'S LEGS????

Two inches above the knee means entirely different things depending on whose legs you are talking about. And is it 2 inches from the top, middle, or bottom of the knee area?

Review the dress code that also includes.....
No prom dresses.
No jeans.
No backless.
No thin straps.
A sweater over bare shoulders.

Daughter goes shopping with friends while waiting to hear back from counselor as to the acceptability of dress. Plan is to purchase a top to go with an already-owned black skirt in case counselor insists on this insanity.

Mom and daughter have conversations like this via text:

Daughter: Would this work or is it too low cut?

Mom: That's cute. Heck, I don't know what is acceptable. I think the cut is fine. Are the shoulders ok?

Daughter: (Sends this picture. Apparently, we measure things at the school with 2 inches and 3 fingers.)

This is the kind of shit that girls do. Measure their legs. Measure their dresses and shorts. Measure the width of their tops. Make sure their bodies aren't too bare, too sexy, too whatever it is that bothers society so much.

To her mother, she looks like a 14-year-old in a peach-colored age-appropriate dress that is among ALL THE OTHER DRESSES IN THE STORES.

As my neighbor said, "1926 called. They want their dress code back."

ISO: A burqa to wear to this graduation to protest just how ridiculous these dress codes are to the entire half of the 8th-grade population known as FEMALES.

You ain't grown

This statement comes out of my mouth on the regular...with my children and when I substitute teach.

Now, I realize that children push boundaries. That is what they are supposed to do.
But as an adult, I know that my job is to hold the boundaries in place.
This does a number of things for the child.
It reminds her or him that I am consistent, that some things in the world are consistent.
It reminds them of the power of consistency.
It makes them feel secure and safe.
It helps them regulate themselves.

It is also a nice preview of what being an actual adult is like.
Adulthood is not about getting to do whatever the hell you want.
I do not usually ever get to do whatever the hell I want.
I get to do more things than I got to do as a child, like eat 3 cookies at once if I choose to and stay up later than I should.
I often wish I had someone regulating me better than I regulate myself.
To allow children to think that adulthood allows them absolute freedom is a cruel trick.

So when my own children buck me or when students buck me, I determine if it is an issue that I can ignore or if it is an issue that requires me to remind them that "they ain't grown."

Many, many, many issues do not reguire the big bazookas.
But sometimes, I have to open my mouth and allow my own mother to come on out and give my child a little what-for.

G frequently needs reminding that he ain't grown, but the other two usually don't.

Yesterday, however, N forgot.
She forgot that she doesn't have a job, doesn't contribute to the household or her phone bill.
She forgot that she doesn't have wheels to get her anywhere.
She forgot that she is 14 and most certainly ain't grown.
So I had to remind her.

She wasn't happy.
AND I WASN'T HAPPY.
Providing structure and consistency is much, much, much, much harder than just letting a child do what she/he wants.
Walking away and allowing the structure to cave is easier than standing around, holding the danged thing up while the kid pushes against it over and over again.

But today, N was back to her old normally responsible self.
I had emailed her teacher last night. This is part of what I said:

Since she is providing me zero information, could you please let me know whether this work was from her absence, whether she is still able to turn it in, and if so, what the penalty is for late work?

Also, should I murder her? (Because that is what I feel like doing.) ;)

Her teacher emailed me this morning to let me know the issue had been resolved because N had returned to her normally responsible self and thanked me for being an awesome mom. She also thanked me for offering to kill N but said she preferred I didn't because she is fond of my daughter.

If this is what being an awesome mom is like, it really, totally blows.
But the alternative---a kid who does what she/he wants, with attitude, without respect, without limits-
blows much, much more.

Probably not everything I want to say about guns, rights, mental health, and parenting

but many of the thoughts I've had this week in the wake of the Parkland, FL shooting.

I. Rights and regulations

The older I've gotten, the more rights conscious I've become.

Right are a tricky bit of business.

When I see people who tend to be more liberal lash out against guns, I cannot help but remember how strongly they lash out when someone who is more conservative wants to restrict their reproductive rights. The way one person feels about the government poking its nose into what a woman does reproductively is the same way another person feels about the government poking its nose into what weapons they can or cannot purchase.

The difference, I think, is that the government in its current form is continually attempting (even if unsuccessful) to restrict and regulate reproduction, and the same is not done for gun-ownership. I frequently see news stories about legislatures in various states trying to pass laws to restrict abortion.

Just as gun-owners don't want the government dictating to them what they can and cannot go with guns, so to do millions of people not want the government dictating to them what they can and cannot do with their bodies.

But what about the babies, someone might argue? The fetuses? This might be the conservative response.
And the people who want some level of restriction on bump stocks and military grade assault weapons might respond, "But what about the innocent school children who are shot?"
In both cases, there is a common desire to protect the innocent.
In protecting the innocent, that may mean that BOTH SIDES must be willing to compromise in some measure.

This country is not very good at the middle ground.

If every person followed the tenets of natural law, there would be no need for man-made law. We have man-made laws because not every one does adhere to natural law. Natural law is the Declaration of Independence, that humans have the right to life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness. If every individual could pursue their own life, liberty and happiness without infringing on others' lives, liberties and happiness, that would be grand. The Constitution is the set of man-made laws that we created to help ensure the natural laws are upheld.

We restrict or regulate for things like pseudoephedrine (because a small slice of the population creates methamphetamines) or yard darts, but we do not regulate as much for guns.

My lifetime allergies make me sympathetic to gun-owners who don't want their rights infringed on....because I know what that infringement feels like when I have to buy my Alavert-D piecemeal at the pharmacy and turn over my driver's license to make my congestion go away. But as a person who is currently infringed on, I also lack sympathy that anyone can go to a gun-show and purchase military grade weapons without submitting their driver's license.

II. Parenting 

Without a doubt, parenting is different now, and I'm not entirely sure why.

When I was a kid, if my teacher said I did something wrong, my parents would absolutely take the side of the teacher, and my ass would have been grass. Even if they disagreed with the teacher, which they might express to the teacher, my parents would have (to me) been a united front with my teacher.

As the Larry Nasser trial has shown, accepting "authority" figures without question is not always good. It is not a terrible thing that parents are less willing to accept without question or critical thinking the authority figures in their children's lives. How many kids were abused by priests in the 1970s and 1980s because parents respected these "authority" figures beyond reproach?

But rather than taking a middle ground, parents have gone off the proverbial cliff. If a child does wrong, everyone but the child is held responsible. It is the teacher's fault, the administration's fault, the school board's fault, the district's fault.

My hope is that eventually the pendulum will swing back.

Of course, there are plenty of children whose lives are untimigated disasters because their parents lives are unmitigated disasters.

Even though I am a lowly substitute teacher, I see this all the time. One student who is in a class I have frequently subbed for is one of four children who are being raised by grandparents. From what I understand, her mother lost custody because of drugs. I do not know if a father is in the picture. This girl is a special needs student who is heading down a road that will go nowhere.

She is a sad, sad child, and I cannot help but feel for her (even though I am also fully aware that she can be/is manipulative). What I have noticed is that she works very hard, at least when I am there. She is by no means perfect, but she tries very hard. Unfortunately for her, her special needs (and I'm not certain what they are) make learning a difficult thing, but she does the work as best she can.

One week, when I subbed, I overheard her talking to a girl in class about when she turns 14 soon, she is gonna smoke pot. She mentioned that she hangs out with a guy who is 18. I don't need to tell you how messed up this is. I didn't say anything that day to the girl.

The next time I was there, though, I did say something to this girl. I commended her on how hard I see her working when I'm there, and I mentioned her conversation from the previous week. I told her that I know she is going to probably do whatever she wants, because I was 14 once too, and I remember how stubborn I was, but that I hoped she wouldn't do it because she is such a hard worker and has such potential.

This girl got tears in her eyes, so I let her hang out in the hall for a few while she composed herself. When she came back in the classroom, she came up to me and thanked me for saying what I said. I told her I never say things I don't mean, and that I hope she at least thinks about it.

I'm not this child's parent, and there is little I can do, but my hope is that what I said makes some difference for her. I don't expect that she is going to go down the "better" path, the path of less heartache, but for the moment, she knows someone sees her potential and cares, that someone doesn't want her to fall through the cracks.

She is one child of perhaps hundreds of thousands of children who are at-risk, through no fault of their own. And one teacher with 30 students in every class cannot be expected to "save" every child.

Unfortunately, there are some students, perhaps like the boy in Parkland, who are beyond saving.

III. Mental health and gender

I have a "mental illness," though I would say it is of the mild variety. I was self-aware enough to get help.

I have a child with a "mental illness," and I have done what I can to get him help.

I work very, very hard to instill empathy in my child, to help provide some protection that his mental illness will not ever become one that harms others (or himself).

I have seen a number of comments about mental health in the wake of the Parkland shooting, like the fact that females make up a large percentage of the incidence of mental illness, and yet it is boys who are the school shooters.

Why is this?
I wish I knew.

Boys are falling behind in many ways. Girls are outpacing them in college.
The push to help girls attain equality has, perhaps inadvertently, left boys behind.
As a mother of a girl, I'm glad females have more opportunities.
As a mother of two boys, I worry about their self-image and opportunities.
In the wake of helping boys become more sensitive and empathic, there has been a pendulum swing towards hyper-masculinity.  It seems like there is an either or. Either a boy is a sensitive-type or a masculine dude.
Again, our country isn't too great with the middle ground that a boy can be both.

IV. Schools, teachers, and police

If I wanted to be a sniper, I would have gone into the military or law enforcement.
No teacher goes into teaching because they want to wield a gun. They either love their subject and want to share it with others, or they love kids. Or both.
Given all the responsibilities of teachers, they do not need to be tasked with protecting children by carrying weapons.

There is no way in hell that asking teachers to carry weapons is a good idea, and I'm saying this on a purely logical level.

Things to consider--

1. When exactly are teachers supposed to get training for weaponry? Is this going to count as professional development or will they still have to do their normal professional development each year in their subject areas? Are schools going to pay for this additional training? How often does the training need to be reviewed? Is there licensing and associated fees? Who pays for those?

2. Will schools provide the weapons to teachers? Will schools pay the increased insurance for these teachers? If a teacher carries his/her own weapon, who carries the insurance? The school or the teacher or do both? Does the teacher get additional pay for acting as both teacher and security?

3. Do parents have the right to request that their children not be placed in a classroom with a teacher who carries a weapon? Do parents have the right to request that their children be placed in a classroom with a teacher who carries a weapon? How does this affect class size and scheduling?

4. If there are schools where no teachers have weapons, while some schools have an overabundance of teachers with weapons, do those teachers have to change schools? Will this be a stipulation in employment contracts?

5. Are schools going to provide weapon safes in the classrooms where these teachers are? Are these teachers the only ones with access to these safes? Does administration have access?

6. Given the budget cutbacks for most schools, where is the money going to come from to pay for these guns, insurance, safes, and training? Would the money be better spent in getting metal detectors for schools?

7. If a child were to inadvertently get a hold of a gun and hurt someone, is the teacher responsible or the school? How much liability insurance is needed? Given that there are limitations on what types of playground equipment schools have, I wonder if underwriters would even give insurance for this?


V. Conclusion?

It's complicated. I consider myself fairly intelligent, but I'm no expert on any of these things. These are just the thoughts that have been running through my head without any evidence or dialogue with others.