Drinking is not funny, and yet everything is a joke

I have written articles about excessive alcohol consumption.

My dad's brother died at 48 from cirrhosis of the liver and his father was an abusive alcoholic. 

I'm pretty aware of the dangers of drinking.

I became very cognizant of my alcohol usage at age 21 after I drank WAY too much vodka and had a 5-day hangover. 

I stick to wine and beer, with an occasional margarita or strawberry daiquiri. 

I have no more than 2 glasses. 

Most nights, if I have a beer, it is a half-beer that D and I split. 

I'm also aware that D and I have been drinking more than we ever have as a result of the pandemic. 

Initial research suggests he and I are in very good company and a lot of it. 

My antidepressant is working overtime of late. 

The pandemic is part of it, sure, but my dad's health issues are what has left me reeling. My dad's health issues in combination with the pandemic and being terrified to be near him because his body cannot handle anything else. I cannot risk his health because it is terribly fragile at the moment. 

Nothing is funny right now. 

Everyone drinking more than usual. Everyone more isolated than usual. My dad's health. My emotional health. 

And yet it all feels like a joke; the year of near constant feeling like we're being punked by circumstances beyond our control. 

I can make fun of my liquor store run and stay vigilant to not go overboard, to always be aware that it wouldn't take much to slip over the ledge into addiction. 

That many, many people do something to deal temporarily with an issue and then that "fix" becomes the next real problem. 

Our entire society, maybe our entire world, is doing that now. 

Surviving and knowing that the steps we're taking may be the steps of future unraveling.

Weight gain--the good, the bad, and the anxiety

Last week, when I went for my annual girlie appointment, I had gained 7 lbs from the previous year's visit.

To say that this fact is now taking up valuable real estate in my brain is an understatement.
I am, more or less, obsessing.

I'm not overweight, which many people would say precludes me from being able to fret about this 7 lb gain.

Those people, if they are reading this post, should probably stop reading now.
Because I am fretting about this 7 lbs.

I weigh 148 lbs.
My BMI is 23.2.
Totally "healthy."
Totally normal weight.

My doctor told me not to worry about it.
But I am worried about it.

Because I cannot gain 7 lbs every year.
I am this close to 45-years-old.

And I have been slacking off on my health.

In one sense, that is the good part. That I have allowed myself to not worry about what I'm eating or how much I'm exercising.
That is also the bad part.
And now, I'm in the anxiety part.

I began fretting over my weight, in one form or another, in 2003, when I was pregnant with N and developed gestational diabetes. When I was put on a super strict diet and lost 7 lbs during my pregnancy. When I began walking 45 minutes every single day on the treadmill.

The day I delivered N, I weight 141 lbs.
The day I came home from the hospital, I weighed 120 lbs.
Between breastfeeding and walking nonstop on the treadmill, I dropped even more weight.
Six months later, I weighed 112 lbs.
When I began not eating as a result of depression, being 112 lbs was not a good thing.

My therapist at the time (prior to medication) asked me if I had an eating disorder, and I guess in some sense I did.
When you are obsessive, you find things to obsess about.

Gradually, with medication and therapy, my weight increased.
Two healthy-weight pregnancies followed.

After M was born, my mid-section bothered me, so I began working out regularly.
My mid-section dropped to 29 inches.
Over the years, it has increased to 33 inches.
Partly, this is due to working more and not having the energy to want to work out.
Plus, I began to snack more and have an occasional adult beverage more than just one night a week.
(When you drink good full-calorie beer, having an extra 1 or 2 a week can make a difference.)
I'm also not lifting 25 lb kids all day long, as I once was.

So I am refocusing on my health, which I hope will result in the loss of the 7 lbs.
Perhaps not all 7, but maybe 5?

I'm having to fight the urge to buy a scale (which I haven't owned in years).
Because I'm already obsessing; I don't need to buy tools for my home that will help me obsess more and better.

I'm having to tell myself that cutting out chips and after dinner snacks and walking every day and increasing my strength training will probably be "good enough."

I wish I could burn calories by obsessing. 

I'm not trying not to be supportive

I am a natural-born skeptic.
The older I get, the more skeptical I become.
Whether you believe humans have been around for hundreds of thousands of years or three thousand years, I suspect that if there was a simple answer to things, we would have already figured them out.

As Trump has discovered about health care and North Korea/China---it's all complicated.

Ultimately, I think people have to do what is right for them regardless of what I think.

But sometimes I find it difficult to support them in the things they do because I inherently disagree.

Like diets.

I do not "diet."

The word connotes a temporary, strict way of eating that in many cases cannot (and possibly should not) be applied to one's entire life.

I don't care what the "diet" is, but I am always suspect of diets that eliminate certain types of food unless there is a diagnosed medical condition under the guidance of a physician that makes such elimination necessary.

A diet that cuts out whole grains is suspect.
A diet that cuts out nuts is suspect.
A diet that cuts out legumes is suspect.
A diet that cuts out potatoes and carrots is suspect.
A diet that urges you to eat loads of one particular food group is suspect. The all-kale diet is a bad idea, even if kale is a superfood.

Diets often make us feel that foods are either good or bad, and mixing emotions and judgment with food choices is often a very dicey mix.

I am also not a proponent of out-and-out denial because that backfires, and I know this from experience.

When I was pregnant with N and developed gestational diabetes, I was put on a strict diet and I followed it to the letter.  I weighed my food. I did not eat anything with sugar, including cake at my own freakin' baby shower.  I walked 45 minutes every night on the treadmill from week 28-41.

Between my 28th week of pregnancy and my 41st, I lost 7 pounds of the 18 I had gained.  I should have been allowed to gain 20-25 lbs, but I only had 11 extra pounds of weight on me when I delivered.  N weighed 7.5.

My strict adherence to their "DO NOT EAT SUGAR" dictate resulted in me gorging on sweets for a very long time after delivery.  I stuffed so much sugar into my mouth it was ridiculous, and I don't see how that was healthy.

So what I learned from this experience is that for me, being an obsessive person, following a diet that restricts my food choices is a bad idea.  I really need to strive for a balance. Eat as much fruit, vegetables, healthful meat, whole grains, legumes and nuts as possible but don't freak out if I want a handful of chips.

I had a very poor experience with a "diet" and so it makes it difficult (if not impossible) for me to get on-board with friends and family who adopt "diets," especially if those diets are super strict or restrict certain food groups.

I support my friends and family in their efforts to be healthy, to reduce eating out, to exercise more, to eat as much whole foods as possible and cut back on processed foods.

But if your diet begins to rule your life or make you a little bonkers about food, then it probably isn't sustainable to your life and your mental health.

Obsessing about food

After gestational diabetes and the measuring/fretting I did over every morsel that went into my mouth (which contributed to my OCD becoming a real and true disorder rather than a personality quirk), I really have to be careful when it comes to food.

It is so, so easy for me to obsess about it.  Although I probably should measure portion sizes better, I'm truly afraid that it will set me on an unpleasant path of withering down to 112 lbs (which looks gross on a gal who is 5'7").

Right now, I'm battling an obsession about food that stemmed from reading The Omnivore's Dilemma. (As usual, I'm way behind the rest of the world in reading this.)  I was pretty stunned by how much I didn't know about the various food chains.  I have been buying from a local CSA for a few years now, and switched to organic milk in 2007, but after reading the book I decided I am only purchasing grass-fed, locally raised beef.

Over the past year or so, I've cut way back on our consumption of meat/poultry.  While we are certainly not vegetarians, we probably eat at least 3 meals a week that are meat-free.  Since I've cut back so much on our meat purchases, I've rationalized that we can splurge a bit to purchase beef that I feel comfortable eating.  Read that book and you'll never look at the meat department in the same way.

I found myself starting to get a little undone with fretfulness about where I was buying my food and whether it was all organic and how much it was processed and how much sugar it contains.   I was feeling guilty when buying certain healthy foods because it wasn't in season (so is being shipped from across the US and making a large carbon footprint) and it was probably sprayed with pesticides.  I was flogging myself internally a bit over not making more stuff from scratch and sometimes buying foods with more than 5 ingredients.  (THE HORROR!!)

Suffice it to say, I had to have a little intervention with myself.  A person could drive herself nuts over food purchases.  I decided that it is a little ridiculous and such a first world problem to be stewing over  things to such an extent.

Bathing suits, weight, healthiness

Yesterday I went bathing suit shopping.  In general, I would rather eat glass than shop for clothes, and this is especially true when it comes to purchasing swimwear.

I admit that when I looked in the mirror, I was not too happy with what I saw.  Despite working out, there are some things....3 pregnancies and age....that are really hard to overcome unless you are willing and able to work out every single day with great consistency for at least an hour and give up a lot of things you love in the food department.  So I left the stall with two separates in hand feeling somewhat defeated.

I shopped a little more, with the intent of finding a new blouse, and looked at my fellow shoppers.  I managed to turn my psyche to my general thinking in life, a spin on "Is it better than what I have now?, which is, "Is my (weight, intelligence, hairstyle, insert whatever here) better than those of the people I see around me or the public at large?"

And I would be a liar if I said my weight/body didn't look better than most of my Kohl's shopping cohorts.

I realize that if I stood in a swimsuit next to a model (especially one who wasn't 38 and hadn't birthed 3 children) I would look crappy.  But next to average Jane who is the same age and has 3 children, I look pretty awesome, in my opinion (at least in my neck of the US woods, which has serious obesity/sedentary problems).

This thought didn't make me feel smug;  rather I felt a little sad.  It made me wonder whether I am prejudiced against overweight people.  Swistle's post, which I read last night, made me wonder even more.

I don't think that overweight people are any less smart, capable, well-read, nice, decent than anyone else.  But I admit I do tend to judge heavier people about their lifestyle choices...the food they eat, how much and often, and how frequently they exercise.  I know that body types are fixed and beyond our control, certainly.  I am taller and thinner than most women, which has much to do with my paternal grandmother and great-grandmother being tall and rail-thin.  I know that people can be heavier and strong/muscular/athletic.  Skinny is no good either; there is nothing appealing about skin & bones, a'la Leann Rimes.  I want to be fit.

(Lest anyone surmise I only judge heavier people, I should note that I judge anybody who purchases nothing but junk at the grocery.  It simply baffles me how anyone can eat that much processed stuff.  I also judge people who smoke....cause that shit is just dumb.)

One of the questions I asked myself is whether I am prejudiced if I think to myself, "I don't want to become fat."  Because whenever I feel particularly not in the mood to work out, I need only to see someone overweight to give me the motivation to keep at it.

Because I had gestational diabetes during my first pregnancy and my A1C levels put me at high risk for diabetes until I began working out for 2 1-hour sessions a week, another big motivator is keeping my insides healthy.  I do not want diabetes if there is anything at all I can do to keep it at bay.

To be honest, I know I mention the unhealthiness of being overweight to my children.  I know I say things like, "We need to eat our healthy food first before we have treats."  I know I say things like, "If you overeat treats and don't exercise enough you may become overweight."  I don't want my kids to think being overweight makes someone a bad person, but it is certainly not optimal.  I don't think I've ever heard anyone say, "I am so thankful that I am overweight."  In all honesty, I haven't thought a whole lot about how my children, especially N, think of what I say in this regard.  Maybe that is one of the luxuries of innate thinness.

Every woman has body issues; I would living in la-la-land if I thought N would be exempt from this.  When I was younger I wanted larger breasts.  Now I would like perkier breasts, less of a abdominal pooch, and for my thighs not to touch.  But I'm not going to starve myself to be that way, nor am I going to exercise constantly and forego the more important things, like taking care of my house and kids and enjoying life.

I have to remind myself that celebrities, who have trainers and chefs, and who work out often also have body issues.  They are real people who just happen to be airbrushed and Photoshopped to make the rest of us feel like our bodies are "less than."  How many times have I looked at the photos of Scarlet Johannsson in a bikini to make myself feel better about my back quarters.

So at this point, I'm still muddling through these feelings.  I don't have an answer for myself yet as to whether I'm doing N a disservice by feeling as I do and saying what I say.

Small dietary changes

A friend of mine recently emailed me a link about the "100 Days of Whole Food" project.  Basically, a family decided to cut out all processed food from their diets for 100 days.  

I have been slowly making changes to our diet over the past year or so.  We used to eat a lot of ground beef, and while we will never become vegetarian I have introduced some non-meat meals that have gone over well, like black-bean burritos and Indian lentil soup.  

Since my bout with gestational diabetes in 2003, I have been much more of a label reader, paying close attention to sugar count.  But after reading about the "100 Days" family, I have been looking at the number of ingredients in foods....whether there are 5 or 6 ingredients or whether there are 30.  

Another thing I've been trying to do is make my own foods from scratch when I can. Now that M is older and less needy, I find it easier to make my own biscuits for the kids.  It is nice to know I am spending a lot less money in the dairy case and giving them food with far fewer preservatives.  

I have cut out buying frozen "ready" meals, like pizzas and Bertolli meals because it is super easy to throw some chicken and frozen veggies in a skillet to make stir fry or mix frozen veggies, canned chicken and cream of chicken soup for chicken pot pie.  

The truth, though, is that I don't ever see us going whole hog like the family who first did and wrote about the "100 Days" project.  From what I've read, they wouldn't even allow their kids to eat cupcakes at another child's birthday party, and that is simply insane, as far as I'm concerned.  Hard-core restricting (from my own experience) does nothing but make someone crave whatever it is they are not "supposed" to have.  I mean, look what happened to Johnny Depp's Willy Wonka due to his dentist father's refusal to allow Halloween candy.  

It is more important to me that I make small, sustainable dietary changes that we can all live with and still feel like we're not deprived.  

Because, really, who wants to eat nothing but Wasa crackers and rutabagas and live to be 105?

The eternal quest to be healthy and fit

Today at the grocery, I noticed that the dad in front of me bought like 8 boxes of Capri-Sun juice cartons for his son, whom he had in tow in the checkout line.  Most of the time what I put on the conveyor belt is fairly healthy although it didn't really look like it today since  I did have 4 containers of ice cream/popsicle/sherbet in the mix in preparation for N's tonsillectomy tomorrow.

I certainly don't deny the kids goodies but I do have certain rules about what I will and won't purchase for our home and how often.

I don't buy sugary cereals like Cookie Crisp and Fruity Pebbles and Fruit Loops.
I don't buy Toaster Strudels or Pop-Tarts or anything that pretends to be a breakfast food but is really dessert.
I don't buy yogurt that comes out of a tube and is neon-colored.
I don't buy Oreos except once a year when we take a trip (be it a small overnighter or a week-long stint at Disney).
I occasionally buy juice boxes but they must be 100% juice.
I don't buy Kool-Aid type drinks except once a year when we take a trip.
(The once a year thing also generally applies to Doritos.)
I only buy organic skim milk.
I don't buy soft drinks.  
I never buy things like Little Debbie snack cakes or Twinkies or Ding-Dongs or anything like that.

My reasons for doing these things are not so that we will be thin, although this is a great side effect of not purchasing junk food.  It is because I think my kids have plenty of opportunities to each sugary treats and junk (when we are out or they are at their grandparents' homes) so I don't feel like I need to have it in my house.  D already has high triglycerides, so we don't need to make that situation any worse.  Plus, having dealt with gestational diabetes when I was pregnant with N, I would prefer that no one in my family have to deal with monitoring their blood sugar and all the headaches that go with it.

In recent months, I have stopped making sweetened tea.  I had eliminated sugar a long time ago, switching to Splenda, but I decided that I was going to forego all sweeteners in our tea (which we tend to drink a lot of).  I stopped putting sweetener in my coffee, although I cannot give up my peppermint mocha creamer.  Life is for living, after all.

I have also cut our consumption of red meat by about 95%.  I used to make a lot of meals using beef, but I have been seeking out more vegetarian fare or favoring recipes that use chicken or turkey.

Still, even with my attempts to buy relatively healthy-ish food, my body simply ain't what it used to be when I was younger and prior to having carried and delivered 3 babies.  I will be 38 in a couple months, and daggonit if I'm not already feeling my metabolism slow down.

My antidepressant also plays a role in how my body looks because prior to meds, when I worried (which was quite often), I wouldn't eat.  And not eating is a very good way to lose weight.  Since I don't worry excessively or even that often now, I find that I continue to eat normally (except for that week of the month before Aunt Flo when I must eat chocolate every 2 hours or I will cut off someone's head with a butter knife.)

In April 2010, I began taking a fitness class 1 day a week with a personal trainer and some friends, and I really enjoy it.  I can tell that I am way more fit than I used to be.  When I first began, I could barely do a plank for 30 seconds.  Now I can just hang out in that position, even having the boys climb on me and sit (or fall off as M often does).  My arms and legs are more shapely.  When I see a friend that I haven't seen in a while, I often hear, "You look great!  What are you doing?"

If only my abdominal pooch would disappear.  I'm afraid there is only so much that crunches can do for a thrice stretched out and twice c-sectioned abdomen.

I had said that by the time I turned 40, I wanted to have "six-pack abs," but I am uncertain whether this is 1. do-able and/or 2. worthy of doing.  I want to eat healthy and be fit but I don't want to deny myself and be miserable just to have a tighter mid-section.

The truth is that right now, with 3 young children, it is simply impossible for me to devote, in a consistent fashion, the time to exercise.  I think I am doing pretty well to make it to an exercise class once a week and lift weights/walk on the treadmill at home a couple other times a week.

On my deathbed, when my life flashes before my eyes on my way outta here, I doubt that a toned butt is going to be one of the things I am so, so glad I managed to have.  

Thank god for dairy cows

If it wasn't for dairy products, my 2-year-old would waste away to nothing.

I recently switched him back to whole milk and whole milk yogurt since he's lost a couple pounds since September.  Since he refuses to eat any vegetable and most fruits, I have resorted to V8 Fusion and yogurt- and chocolate-covered raisins, which are the bastard step-children of really healthy stuff, but I gotta do something.  He had been on Juice-Plus, but now he refuses that.  Sometimes I am able to mix some of the granular Juice-Plus (from a capsule) into his yogurt, but that is about as good as it gets.

He gets a multi-vitamin every day, and I've been on the lookout for sorta healthy foods that he might eat.  Or, hell, to be honest, any food that might put some meat on his bones.

Anyhoo, all this focus on G's diet got me thinking about how obsessed I am, and a lot of parents are, with getting our kids to eat healthy.  I certainly would rather be this way than buying junk food and not giving a darn what my kids eat, but I think I lose perspective in my quest to get my kids to eat an optimal diet.

For example, it is a recent phenomenon for people to be able to get fresh fruits and vegetables year-round.  Humanity has survived a long time on people eating very basic staples....not the vast variety of brightly-hued produce that will allow us all to live to be 100.

N and I have been reading a Unicef book about kids from around the world that our neighbor gave her.  Seeing how children in other countries dress, eat and live really makes me think about the goofy things I allow myself to stew over.  Like my kids eating 5 fruits/veggies a day.  People in other parts of the world eat the same bowl of rice and beans day-in and day-out and survive.

And that is the basic tenet of parenthood since the dawn of man.  Get the kids to survive.

Like his father and uncle, who barely eat any fruits/vegetables, G will probably be fairly healthy and grow to somewhere between 6'2" and 6'4".  On dairy products.  And air.