Monday, May 23, 2011

What kind of person are you? train of thought

Today while vacuuming upstairs and trying not to strangle the 3-year-old who, in addition to pestering the bejesus out of his brother, loves to unplug the cord while I am attempting to hoover the carpet, I started thinking about what kind of person I am at the core.

I used to think I was an unhappy person, but I think I was just a scared person.  I knew how to have fun and enjoy myself and moments, but I was just so paralyzed by anxiety most of the time. I hated feeling overwhelmed by anxiety because that fear then made me feel depressed.  At the time, though, I thought I was just weird or intended for a life of melancholia.

I am so glad I am not like a lot of people who are just plain unhappy regardless of what situation they are in.  They are "My life would be better if only" people.   If they had a different job.  If they had a different spouse or significant other.  If they had kids or didn't have kids.  If they had a bigger house.  If they had a bigger paycheck.  Or whatever else they think would make them happier.

It seems to me that what they are unhappy with is themselves.

Life is monotonous and rough and weird and often unpleasant and chaotic.  Life is about survival and coming through in one piece without too many scars.

And it is made more bearable by being content with what you have, understanding that while your life could possibly have been even better had the stars aligned differently, it also could have been (or could be) much, much worse.

Whenever G is driving me absolutely fucking insane, which is at least 11 times a day, I try to think that he could have been born with serious birth defects rendering him unable to speak or walk.  He could have been (or be at some point) diagnosed with a childhood cancer and be unable to act like a "normal" 3-year-old boy who screams and terrorizes the household.

These thoughts don't change the fact that often he is a complete pain in the ass, but it does change me and how I carry on with my life, knowing that this phase will pass and life will go on, and really it ain't so bad.


Keri said...

Contentment -- definitely a huge key to a "happy" life. And yet such a hard place to reach sometimes.

And here is why I fall behind on commenting on your blog posts. I"m trying to think - and write - deep thoughts here, and right behind my head, Jonah is singing something unintelligible in Mariah Carey's highest octave; Audrey is hollering at Jonah from the bathroom where she has discovered that he unrolled all of the toilet paper; and Bailey is saying repeatedly, "I can still hear the music from the Disney website. I can still hear the music from the Disney website" because I haven't yet acknowledged her statement.

How am I supposed to think deep thoughts in this environment? And so usually, I just plan to wait until it's quieter later after bedtime...and then I'm too tired to think more deeply than, "I hope nobody wakes me up during the night...."

Ah, well. I'll try to be content with that. :-)

Kelsey said...

I think I am a happy/content person MOSTLY - but there are days when it sure doesn't take much to sway me in another direction.

Like right now, I am having trouble getting my heart rate to slow as I watch another round of flipping storms approach. I KNOW that fretting doesn't help - and yet here I go fretting...

That isn't exactly what you were talking about but that's how I'm relating to it in this moment!