Woulda, Shoulda, Coulda.....Didn't

Everyone has their tipping point, the point where they think, "I have completely had enough.  I can't go on anymore."

If you're a mom, this point comes at least once a day.  Which means that, "I can't go on anymore" is pointless.  You have to go on, and so you do.  But sometimes you need to vent.

I don't want advice.  I don't want suggestions.

All I want is for someone to just say, "That really sucks ass, Carrie."

Today I vented the following to some lady friends:

*M is a crappy sleeper.  Has slept 2 times through the night (8+ hours) in 12 months.  And I think on those 2 particular nights my other two children woke me up, so I didn't even get to enjoy it.  And now he is waking at 6:00 a.m.  The crack of dawn would not be a problem if I hadn't gotten up with him twice between 11 - 5.  I KNOW why sleep deprivation is used as a form of torture.  I totally get it.

*It occurred to me this morning, after having been woken up at 6:00 a.m. and being in a piss poor mood, that I remember going off with girlfriends for a day of outlet shopping when N was about 2.  We were gone pretty much all day, from 9-6 or so.  And that is the longest amount of time I have been away from my children to do something fun.  I'm sorry but giving birth to another sibling doesn't count as fun. Nor does grocery shopping.

One mom mentioned that she used the book everyone hates......Babywise.
Another said she had to lock herself in her bathroom far away from her kid while he was screaming and screaming.
Another suggested I break out my breast pump.

And I know their intentions are good.
But they are pointless.

Because I cannot tolerate allowing M to scream and scream, and that is what he does.  If he does it at 7:00 p.m., he will do it at 4:00 a.m.  And if I'm going to have to be awake at 4:00 a.m., I'd prefer to nurse him and get him quickly back to sleep rather than lock myself in my bathroom to not have to endure his screaming (and then have to deal with cranky hubby who also had to listen to M scream, and possibly cranky G and N, who might awaken due to M's screaming.)

Because I hate pumping.  Because M will not take a bottle.  Twelve months of age is a little late to be introducing a bottle.  And the boy won't accept cow's milk as a substitute.  I'm continuing to offer it but he rejects it every time.

Because I only know of like 1 other lady who has 3 children the same or similar age and spacing as mine, who also breastfed and didn't have caboodles of opportunities to get away.  Otherwise we're comparing apples and oranges.  All moms have it hard, but unless you're situation is pretty darn close to mine, I'm not sure you totally get where I'm comin' from.  

I just want to vent.  I just want someone to reassure me that one day soon M will sleep better.  And I will sleep better.  And I won't end up pregnant one month after he starts sleeping through the night and then be all fatigued and pukey (which is what happened when G started sleeping better).

And I think that is the toughest part of this and why I am so flipping worn-out.....I didn't get a break between G and M.  I did pregnancy, birth, breastfeeding and rolled right into another pregnancy, birth and breastfeeding.

And anyone who knows me at all knows I have never been a fan of the 2-year or less spacing and never, ever would have done this to myself if I'd had any say in the matter.

But...as I said I just gotta roll on.