When I really don't like the staying at home part of the job? This summer I have asked myself that question more often than I ever have before (since I started this gig in 2004).
Staying at home can feel tremendously isolating and mind-numbing, especially on a day when you are stuck inside due to illness, hot-as-Hades weather, or tons of precipitation. Sometimes I really think I might scream if someone else says "Momma." Because it is not just an isolated, one time yelling of "Momma" by each child. Rather, each child screams a litany of "Momma," which looks something like this.....
Momma!!! Momma!!!! Hey, Momma!!! Mommy!!!! Mom, where are you? Mom, I want a cheese stick. Mom, where are you? Momma!!! Mommy, can I have a snack? "Mom, watch this." "Watch this, Mom!" "Hey Momma, watch this!" "Mommy!!" Somewhere right about here is where I want to find a hidden bunker and escape to it. Momma!!! Momma!!!! Hey, Momma!!! Mommy!!!! Mom, where are you? Mom, I want a cheese stick. Mom, where are you? Momma!!! Mommy, can I have a snack? "Mom, watch this." "Watch this, Mom!" "Hey Momma, watch this!" "Mommy!!" Still searching for the bunker. Momma!!! Momma!!!! Hey, Momma!!! Mommy!!!! Mom, where are you? Mom, I want a cheese stick. Mom, where are you? Momma!!! Mommy, can I have a snack? "Mom, watch this." "Watch this, Mom!" "Hey Momma, watch this!" "Mommy!!" Where is that MOTHER FUCKING BUNKER????? Momma!!! Momma!!!! Hey, Momma!!! Mommy!!!! Mom, where are you? Mom, I want a cheese stick. Mom, where are you? Momma!!! Mommy, can I have a snack? "Mom, watch this." "Watch this, Mom!" "Hey Momma, watch this!" "Mommy!!"
I am a much better, happier mom when I can get out and do things with the kids, at least for part of the day. I enjoy taking them to the library or the zoo or the Science Center. Even though physically tiring, these active days don't weigh so heavily on my psyche. They are not as emotionally exhausting as staying home, breaking up fights and trying to keep little ones entertained as I also attempt to keep the house clean and cook a meal.
There are a number of practical reasons why I stay home. For one, with my pay as a teacher and the cost of childcare, it wouldn't behoove me financially to work. What I made would be spent on childcare, and so what is the point? Secondly, even though it would give me a break from my own children, I would still be with kids all day long. Third, the after-school paperwork would infringe on my time with my family in the evening and that would make me irritable, probably more so than what my kids do. Finally, if I worked, D would have to do a whole lot more than what he does and he doesn't want to deal with it, so he is completely supportive of me staying at home.
But the real reason I choose to stay home with the kids is because even though they drive me stark-raving-mad at times, I have been able to witness every.single.step of their lives since birth. I have been a witness to every smile, roll, crawl, babble, first step, song sung, and letter written. I would hate it to have missed these things.
And I would have hated to cede control or decisions about my kids to someone else. I decide when they are ready for solid food. I decide when they should be potty-trained. As hard as it is at times to have complete and total responsibility for them, I would have had a really, really hard time allowing someone else to have that responsibility. Because I trust no one as much as I trust myself, particularly when it comes to caring for my children.
With all that being said, I do need to get better at taking care of Momma, getting away from the kids not just for doctor appointments but to get a cup of coffee and read a magazine in peace. Or to buy myself, heaven forbid, a new article of clothing.
Finding a balance in this job is a constant work in progress.
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