Feels like grief

I know D doesn't want any more children. Like most of the dads I know, he is absolutely, totally content with the standard "2 children." I know I am lucky to have the two beautiful, healthy children I have. I know I need to accept these things rather than hang onto a wispy strand of hope that D could possibly (if bribed or following a near-death experience) change his mind in a couple years.

But it hurts my heart to give up that hope, however frayed and fragile it is. However, if I hang on for another couple years, it will only be that much harder to let my dream go.

D loves our kids, but he doesn't really like the chaos of kids (any kids)....the noise, the interruptions, etc. Being around too many people drains him of energy. I, of course, am the opposite. I really enjoy being around people, so even though the kids drive me nuts at times, I get energized from having them around. N spent the night with my parents on Sunday, and the house felt like a mausoleum. Entirely too quiet since G makes noise but nothing on par with his sister.

With having an older girl and a younger boy, I think about my childhood, which was mostly good but unsatisfying in one way I distinctly remember.

My parents are more like D....low-key, perfectly content to be at home, doing their own individual activities (sewing, reading or watching tv). My younger brother was also that way as a child...totally content to stay holed up in his room playing Legos or with his Star Wars figures.

I remember feeling so bored and lonely on holidays because they were off doing their own things, and I wanted/needed action, events, conversation, something. Sure, I would play in my room but I couldn't occupy myself with solitary activities as long as they could. Of course, my friends were all with their own families on these festive days, so I couldn't turn to them for distraction. For years and years, I despised all legal holidays because they reminded me of spending time in the house, stuck with my family of origin. That hatred only abated once I had my own child.

The best holiday memories I have is when my family would get together with aunts, uncles, cousins, grandmas, and have a big family party. There was always someone to talk to or play with or something new happening in a different corner of the basement. It felt warm and busy and happy.

Having a family of 4 makes me feel like I am reliving this unsatisfying aspect of my childhood. I envision D and the 2 kids off doing their own things, while I long to play Monopoly or something fun as a group.

Plus, my brother and I get along but were never close as kids, and we were only 2.5 years apart. As I said, he was happy as a clam being left alone, and I was not. Maybe if I'd had a sister, we would have been close if for no other reason than a shared love of dolls or cute older boys. That longing for closeness with a sibling makes me want one of my children to have a same-sex sibling, even though I know it doesn't guarantee a relationship.

So, yes, however wrong it may be, I want to "fix" the things I didn't like about my childhood by making the family I create different. But with 2 children, an older girl and a younger boy, it feels the same, although I know it isn't the same because they are not me or my brother, and D and I are not my parents.

And then there is fear that something will happen to N or G or, god forbid, both. I may be the only person on the planet who worries about this now, but I know this is something all parents for all time (at least prior to the advent of childhood immunizations) have thought about.

But none of this matters if my partner in reproductive crime is adamantly opposed to 1 more child.

So I have to start working on letting all of this go, trying to dispatch my fears about the future and frustrations with my past. And that amounts to letting my hope die and mourning the feelings of loss I have.