Maybe lazy is a better word. Or maybe negligent, although that is really too harsh because I'm not letting N run in traffic.
Last night I slept poorly...so that explains my tiredness today. I hadn't planned on doing much today anyway because I am hosting bunco tonight, so I needed time to prepare food, etc. The only "fun" items on the agenda for N was to go to the pet store to get cat food and litter.
She was gonna help me make pumpkin muffins this morning, be my sous chef, as I call her, but I didn't have any baking soda, which required a run to my next-door-neighbor's home to borrow some. This trip resulted in a splinter in N's hand, which then led to her paralyzing fear when she saw mommy approaching with the tweezers. Said fear sucked the life out of N, so she was on the couch interested only in watching kid shows. I knew my cooking assistant was down for the count, so I had her soak her hand in epsom salt and warm water while I fixed the food and called D to come home for lunch so he could help me perform minor hand surgery.
Food prepared. Lunch eaten. Splinter removed successfully and with few tears on all out parts. N and I headed to Blockbuster to get DVDs for N and D to watch tonight in the basement while bunco is going on upstairs. Then onto the pet store, which was highly entertaining for N...visiting the cats, birds, ferrets and fish. A baby kitten was starting to fall asleep so she sang a lullaby to it--very sweet and cute. Finally, a run to the grocery for last minute items (which was also semi-fun for N---driving the mini car at the front of the cart, riding the mechanical horse, and picking out Mickey Mouse cheese).
And then home again. Both of us on the couch. Me quickly falling into a nap, while she watched Pinky Dinky Doo. Upon awaking, I took her upstairs to read a couple books and get her off to nap.
So why do I feel like a lousy mom? My low energy...napping...not really playing any games with her like grocery-store or Barbies or CandyLand (although she didn't ask me to play anything---she was pretty content just to lay low and watch tv).
I used to really get on myself about those times when I didn't give her undivided attention (like I'd have this I'm a lousy mom thought many, many, many times a day), and I have gotten better. I've gone pretty easy on myself since becoming pregnant. I guess those darn "parenting expert voices" in my head pipe up sometimes about "quality time."
Of course, when I get all of my thoughts down in front of me, I realize how totally ridiculous I'm being. I spent nothing but time with N all day, as I do everyday. I met all of her basic needs (clothing, safety, food). She did get to do some fun things like pick a Disney Princess DVD and visit the pet store. I read books to her before nap and talked to her today.
Heck, that is more than a lot of kids get in terms of attention from their parents or outside activity in an entire week. I guess that is why it is good for me to journal like this, so I can see just how unrealistic I am being about how I mother my child.
2 comments:
I totally get how you are feeling. I take the stay at home job seriously and feel somewhat a failure if I don't spend what I think of quality time with Ella. I've gotten much better with letting some of that go. You have to when pregnant and then esp. when a baby comes along. Ella seems to be adjusting fine and continues to amaze me with her vocabulary, questions and insight, so I must still be doing something right:)
I too feel like a lousy mom...my daughter is 14, an only child so I get too involved and have ended up pushing her away. I love her so much that I want the best for her so I guess I push too much. It's a fine line to walk, very difficult because my parents were very good role models, so I feel like I'm 'winging it' as a parent. My parents weren't involved and I turned out okay. I know I need to back off, but I feel like she's unmotivated. I know I'm thinking irrationally right now...could be the menopause hormone thing....I don't know....I do feel in my heart there are some things that motivate her but they're very few. She really is a good student academically, but teachers complain she doesn't pay attention in class....yada, yada...she has ADD but she does learn and understand....and gets good grades so I don't know why they complain so much...she's not disrespectful or disruptive in class....so I can't understand why they pick on her for seemingly little things...do they not like her or do they truly care and want to help her.....I don't know....anybody a teacher out there who can help me understand what their motive may be??? She goes to a small private school and they want to establish relationships with students (supposedly), but daughter is reluctant to trust them....I know I'm rambling...am I being irrational by thinking they just don't like my daughter???
Post a Comment