Goings on around here

This past week has been a blur.

But here are the highlights:

1. I completed my 2nd article for a local family magazine, so that is exciting.

2. I finally just called an exterminator to deal with these stupid ants that keep making an appearance in my living room.  I generally try to abide by a "live and let live" philosophy, but scurrying ants just makes my OCD go into overdrive.  I hate to admit how much sick pleasure I am getting from seeing their dead carcasses every morning around the picture window.

3. I am reading about 4 books at the moment:  The Help by Kathryn Stockett is for this week's bookclub, but I don't think I will finish it by then.  Then there's The Male Brain and The Female Brain....good, geeky stuff.  And The Reader, which is waiting patiently for me to complete The Help.

My bedside table.  

4. Gardening every day this weekend.  Moving plants.  Giving plants to friends and neighbors.  Rearranging.  Ahhhh, good for the soul.  When I'm not so tired from gardening, maybe I'll post some pictures of my garden.

5.  Spending loads of time with the kids....

Taking a tour of a local bakery.  

G eating a cupcake at my niece's 1-year birthday party. 

M napping at my niece's birthday party.  

N's new swimsuit which we purchased this weekend.  

Mamaw giving N a ride in the wheelbarrow-type contraption.  

G checking out a worm.  

The kids and my niece in the pool I spent all afternoon on Friday pumping up.  

Momma-size hissy fit

Anyone want to guess what time it is?  Yep.  2:00 a.m.
Anyone want to guess how many times I've been up with children since going to bed a little before 11:00 p.m.?  3  (Twice with M; once with N)

I keep thinking about the movie Divine Secrets of the Ya-Ya Sisterhood, specifically the scene where Vivi is helping one of her children who is vomiting.  And within 30 seconds, all 4 of her kids are yakking all over her and the bathroom.  Not too long after this, the scene cuts to her sitting catatonic in the kitchen, all doped up on nerve-pills.

I am so feeling Vivi Walker this week.  Oh hell, I've been feeling Vivi Walker since April 19th, when I had the first of 2 stomach bugs.  Since that date, in addition to me being ill, M has had a virus, G has had a virus, and N has had strep throat AND a virus.  Oh, and M has cut his top 2 teeth AND been working on flipping himself from his tummy to his back while sleeping.  That's a lot of sleep interruption on top of normal nursing-during-the-night sleep interruption.  That's a lot of contending with sicky-poos in 6 weeks' time.

It feels like October-December 2009 Redux.  And that sucked ass.

So I'm all full of the hissies which is making it hard to settle back down into sweet slumber.

I'm going to bitch, get some things off my chest because I'm the momma, and goddammit, I need to vent.  Often.
Especially when my weeks have been a nonstop sickfest.

Bitch #1:
Yesterday, I took N to the doctor.  Of course, her temperature was 97 degrees in the office (and now is 100.6 so another day home from school today, apparently).  I took M with us, but asked D to come home and watch G.

Because 12 days ago, when I had to take all 3 of them to the doctor with me when N had strep throat (and D was at his aunt's funeral) it was all I could do to keep G from destroying the office.  He was banging on shit, trying to type at the doctor's laptop, jumping onto and off of the scale, trying to climb onto the exam table.  I was holding M, attempting to keep him entertained, and trying to explain to the doctor what N's symptoms were/listen to what the doctor said.

I really didn't like asking D to come home from work, mostly because I know he feels put-out having to interrupt his workday.  I know this from the look on his face.  From the fact that he asked, "Can't you take a toy for him?"  From the fact that he has made occasional comments about me not being able to "handle" 3 kids whenever I've said anything about the challenge of taking all 3 of them anywhere.

And so I felt guilty.
But then I reminded myself that D has never taken all 3 of the kids anywhere.  Ever.  And he has only taken the 2 older ones to his mom's house, where he has his mom to help him.
And so then I felt guilty and pissed off.

Bitch #2:
I know I'm the mom, and I've dealt with gross stuff since conceiving my children.  From morning sickness dry-heaving to having my girly parts look like chopped meat from delivering to squeezing puss out of my c-section incision.  But it still irks the shit out of me to have my child cough directly into my face.

Bitch #3:
I am glad M is finally, FINALLY starting to attempt flipping himself from his tummy to his back because, for crying out loud, he is almost 8 months old.  But why do babies insist on trying to practice milestones when they are asleep????  Why aren't the daytime hours sufficient?  Why must they interrupt mom's sleep to eat AND attempt developmental feats?
(Note:  For those of you who think, "Carrie, you dumbass, go back to bed, I will have you know I just had to go up and help M settle back down.  So even if I had been able to fall back asleep after N woke me up, I would have slept for a mighty 20 minutes before being awakened again.)

I feel only slightly better having gotten some of my frustration out on my blog.  I'd like to think tomorrow....oh, I mean later today will be better, but I'm none too hopeful.  Because with N's fever up again, it means she will be home.  Feeling good enough to be bored out of her gourd, but feverish enough to warrant staying home.  And I'll have to drag all 3 kids to my psychiatrist appointment.....where I'll mention my anxiety of late.

Hmmmm, can't imagine what could be making me feel anxious and all out of sorts.

More health-related anxiety

I have long suffered from health-related anxiety.  It used to only be my health over which I fretted, but since becoming a mom, I allot most of my worrying budget to the kids and their health.  I was thinking today that I wish I had anxiety related to white-water rafting or dark alleys or being bitten by wolverines, something that would be fairly easy to avoid.

But kids and sickness share the same bed, so I find myself getting worked up more often than I'd like.  And having 3 kids?  Well, the sickness anxiety just doesn't EVER seem to go away.  As soon as one starts feeling better, another one is needing the ibuprofen.

In January, I was worrying about G's health.  He had been so sickly in the fall, winding up with RSV at Christmas and a sinus infection soon after.

But lately I have been worrying about N.  She has been having increasingly frequent bouts of strep throat, and today she was home sick again with what seems like strep symptoms.  The concern I have is that she just took her last dose of Omnicef for strep throat YESTERDAY morning.  By late morning she was saying she was cold, which usually means a high fever is right around the corner.  And in the wee hours of this morning, her temperature was a solid 101.

She doesn't have a stuffy nose, loose bowels, a cough.  Nothing that would be an obvious indication of a viral infection.

So I'm stewing over whether this is strep that never went away with the Omnicef, which seems unlikely but I'll worry about it anyway.  And then I'm worrying whether she'll need to have her tonsils removed (I went ahead and scheduled the ENT to look at her on June 6 when I take G in for his every-6-month-ear-tube-check-up).  But I'm also worrying that if she doesn't get her tonsils removed, we will keep on this antibiotic train, which actually scares me far worse than the idea of a tonsillectomy.

I get really freaked out by the prospect of antibiotic-resistance, so I am not one of those parents who badger the doctor for antibiotics needlessly.

And then when I am firmly cemented in panic, I do a little number I like to call, "Anxiety Over Living in a Time Before Antibiotics/Safe Surgery Even Though We Do Not Live in Such a Time."  This is when I think things like, "If we didn't have antibiotics, N could die from strep throat."  And "If we didn't have safe surgery, N could die from getting her tonsils removed."

Basically, N could die.

Unfortunately, once I am doing this routine I harken back to other illnesses and/or surgeries, such as my c-section with G.  And I start thinking that I could have died while trying to deliver a breech baby.  Or he could have died.  Or I could have died from my infected c-section incision after having M in October if antibiotics weren't around.

And, finally, I end up on this street:  If antidepressants weren't invented yet, I would be locked in an insane asylum for my OCD and generalized anxiety.

Having a sick child at home is never fun for any parent, but when you've got the added fun of health-anxiety it damn near lays you out.

Trying to find my mom skills

There are some things I am simply not good at as a mom.  Playing "pretend" is one of them.  I am increasingly closer to 40 years old, so trying to imbue Polly Pockets with heady conversation is not a priority or a skill.  I don't think I ever had a great imagination, even as a kid, and it has only gotten crappier the older I've gotten.

But there are some things I know I am really good at as a mom, and one of those is finding fun experiences.  Opening the kids' senses up a little bit.

Every kid needs a pair of rain boots for ginormous puddles.  

And a parent who will take them out to play in them.

And then there is doing what I can to encourage their interests.  I like the "mile deep, inch wide" philosophy, whereby I try to immerse them in whatever it is they find interesting.  Finding books at the library.  Visiting exhibits.  Borrowing DVDs.  Allowing them to like whatever it is they like without judgment or censorship.

Finally there is just being here with them.  Being home every day for them.  Even though D makes a good salary, and we have made choices so that I can stay at home, it is still somewhat of a sacrifice for me.  In terms of career.  In terms of my personal financial security.  In terms of my mental health (because any mom who works will tell you it is a nice break to be around other adults for 8+ hours a day.  And to be able to pee without an audience).

I must be ill

or very close to my death because for 2 consecutive days I have had moments of clarity when I realize something that makes me extremely happy or contented.  Small snippets of joy.

A couple years ago I purchased and planted some strawberry plants.  This year they are producing fruit, which is terribly exciting.  Every day I have been picking berries to eat with my breakfast.

I had a grapevine wreath with flowers I didn't like on it, so awhile back I removed them and bought some cheapies at a dollar store.  A little ribbon and some artificial birds/butterflies.....Voila!  A spring wreath I really like that cost me very little.  

Today the kids helped me plant the annuals they bought me for Mother's Day.  I also trimmed the bushes in the front.  It gives me tremendous pleasure to see my front porch and yard look nice.  

N's diary entries.  It is so funny to see what she is thinking and finding important enough to jot down.  

Watching the boy thoroughly enjoy dishwater in the sink.  

Sweet faces that I get to see every single day.

Swinging the kids and hearing them laugh.  (These pics were from last weekend, but I was swinging the kids tonight.)

In the midst of chaos, a seed of sweetness

This week has been pretty darn crappy, but I discovered something kind of wonderful despite that.

Today N was home from school due to strep throat.  It was a very long day, to be sure, but while M napped this morning, I was able to color with both G and N as we sat on the couch.

The other day she and I worked on a stencil together, and after we had finished she wrote at the top of the page, "I love you, D," and took it to her daddy.  When she brought it back, as a joke I wrote at the bottom, "Do you like me?  Check box.  Yes, No, Sorta" and had her take it back to her dad.  Fortunately, he checked Yes.

Apparently, N really thought this type of note with the question and checking boxes was neat because after we colored she and I wrote notes back and forth to each other.

And I couldn't help but recognize how special this was....just sitting next to each other being able to share writing and reading with her in a fun and goofy way.

After the week I've had with tantrums, lost sleep and sickness, I needed a little bit of sweetness.

It's the 2:00 a.m. Report

Here it is, 2:23 a.m. on Friday, May 14th, and I am wide awake.  Again.

On the way home from my abs class yesterday, I got a call that N was sick at school, so I shlepped over there to retrieve her.  By late afternoon her fever was pushing 103.

Just 20 minutes ago, she woke me up.  I'm not sure if she woke me up for herself or because G wanted me, but she has been a Chatty Kathy, yammering on about what she wants for breakfast ("an egg and a sandwich, please"), that's she is hot and wants to change into a nightgown, and, when I commented on how talkative she is, about a boy in her class who got in trouble yesterday for talking.

Her talk coupled with me having to get ibuprofen, check what time the clinic hours are at D's work for tomorrow, set my alarm clark to ensure we can get to the clinic in the early morning (hopefully), and rock G for a minute has left me......

Everyone all together now..... WIDE.FRACKIN.AWAKE.

There is only so much stimulation my brain can take before the ON switch is flipped up.  It will take a little while for it to slowly flip down again.

And I'm sure that is when M will awaken for his early morning nursing session.

Based on the size of her tonsils and pain in her waist (abdomen), I feel about 99% certain she has strep throat.  And it hasn't affected her ability to chat me up.