For the record

I did not intentionally become pregnant with M.  I took the birth control pills as prescribed.  I don't know how many times I can say this.

Yes, I did say I wanted 3 kids

BUT

In no universe would it ever have been my choice, plan or desire to have a 2-year-old AND a baby.  Never.

AND

I have said at least a couple times how when N started kindergarten and I was back in a school building again, I kinda got the teaching bug. I got the rush that I used to feel when teaching, when planning lessons, when working with kids.

And that feeling was surprising to me.  I didn't expect to feel that way, but it was nice.

It was also nice to have a breather from having both kids underfoot all summer long.  I felt renewed with only having 1 kiddo during most of the day.  I began to think about what life would be like when both kids were in school, and I could either go back to work or volunteer in the kids' classrooms.

So had I not been 8 months pregnant, it is entirely possible I would have said "Forget the idea of 3 kids.  I want Carrie back."

BUT

I was 8 months pregnant.

And I did not get pregnant by myself.

The year-long "discussion"

My husband and I have been having a discussion for a year now.  It began a few moments after we stopped crying a year ago when I found out I was pregnant.

This morning another iteration of this discussion occurred.  It went something like this:

Me:  "D, can you move M's crib into my closet this weekend."
(For the last 2 nights, M has slept like utter shit.  Like up at least 5-6 times.  Probably as a result of cutting his two bottom teeth.  Please note my closet is fairly good-sized. Certainly large enough for a crib.  In addition to the teeth, I think I may be going to M when he's just making sleeping sounds, so I'd like for him to be a little further away from my bed.)

D:  "I don't think we ought to get new floors because you'll change your mind about buying another house."
(For the record, I have not said I am even considering wanting another house.  I am totally fine with G and M sharing a bedroom and staying in this house.  And even if we were to put this house up for sale, we'd have to get some kind of new flooring because our floors are crappy looking.  And on top of all that, D and I barely managed to go looking for a new mattress last weekend; how in the hell are we going to search for a new house.  Oh, and how the hell am I going to keep our house "show" worthy when I can only do the bare minimum now.  And finally, how the hell are we going to afford it when I am scraping loose change to try to pay for flooring?)

Me: "I don't want M to be all the way in another room because when I have to traipse to him multiple times a night that will wake me up completely."
(Also, I am not ready for them both to be in the same room because the last thing I want when nursing M in the middle of the night 5 times is to have G awake 5 times too.)

To be perfectly honest, I don't know where the conversation went from here.  I only remember the last two statements:

Me:  "Ok, so how about you start getting up with M?"

D: "I have to go down and get N's breakfast ready."  (Escapes to the kitchen)

I am becoming increasingly frustrated by this conversation for any number of reasons, which I will list below, not in order of importance or significance.

1. We refinanced this summer.  Dumb to move now.

2. We can't afford a significant mortgage increase.  So why bother for 1 extra bedroom?  (And technically, we have a bedroom in the basement with a closet and full bathroom, so once N is a teen, she can go down there.)

3. Well, I guess we could afford a mortgage increase, but that would mean no money for eating out, purchasing Xbox games, and going on vacations.  And I don't want to be house poor.

4. Our house is in the elementary school resides.  If we move, we chance having to switch schools.  And N's school is too fantabulous for us to fuck with moving.

5. We would have to spend a chunk of change to make "improvements" on our house, like new flooring anyway, repaint, etc.  Or we'd have to do it ourselves.  I can barely find time in the day to pee.  D still hasn't painted the spot in the basement that I had my cousin fix this past summer.  I asked that it be painted before M was born.  M will be 4 months old on Sunday.

6. We have 3 kids and toys taking up every inch of space in our house.  If D was being transferred and it was out of our control, I'd manage something to show the house to potential buyers.  But to willingly walk into that nightmare???  No thank you.

7.  The people behind us moved to Georgia last summer, and their house is still for sale.

8. The people behind us have had to lower and lower and lower their asking price.  I'm sorry, but I ain't giving my house away for nothing.

9. Before M was born I read the book, The Millionaire Next Door, and most people who have accumulated sizable wealth stay in the same house.  They don't keep moving on up, like the Jeffersons did.  They build equity, and they pay off their homes.  They don't carry a mortgage until they are 83 years old.  I would like to get this house paid off before N starts college.  So that we can pay for college.

I just can't see any rationale reason for moving.  I have quite enough on my plate right now without taking a big heaping spoonful of relocating.

From now on, when I see this "discussion" coming, I am going to refer my husband to this post.  Save myself some breath.

Stupid is as stupid does

I generally think of myself as pretty darn intelligent, witty and well-read.

But some days, I am a bloody idiot.

Like this afternoon, when I took all 3 kids to the grocery in the rain at 5 o'clock the day before a snowstorm.

Boy oh boy

When moms without sons ask me if it is a different experience from having a girl, I tend to roll my eyes and sigh wearily, "Oh my god, yes."   And to think I will have two little boys running underfoot in a year or so.

G is my imp and will likely be the death of me.  That is unless I die from fatigue as a result of the other boy in the house who keeps me awake all night with teething issues and general 4-month-old shitty sleeper stuff.  

When N was a toddler and would wake in the morning, I could bring her to my bed where we would snuggle, chat and doze a little longer.  When G wakes in the morning, and I bring him into my bed, it is Wrestlemania.  He's flipping, flopping, kicking, turning, hollering, and trying to tackle me.  There is no dozing going on.  

And then there's the constant throwing of toys.  Which is generally preceded by shrieks of frustration.  

There's also the chasing cats and pulling their tails.  Which is generally followed by hissing, and the cats running for their lives to the basement.  Their escape is followed by G trying to break down the basement door in an attempt to get to them.  

G is all energy---rough and tumble.  All boy.  

And I love that he is this way, except that it is exhausting.  On days like today where he is also cranky, it is all I can do not to body slam him into his bed and leave him their for hours.  

A little of this, and a little of that

Just odds and ends here to post.

1. We are looking to get a pretty chunky refund back, so my new flooring is on BABY!!!  And I grossly underestimated the cost of the flooring.  I was hoping for $3,000 or so.  Double that plus some, and that is the cheapest estimate we got.  But I am determined to get rid of this linoleum and carpet (with so much cat vomit stain I can't even stand it).

2. I know I don't want anymore children, but I am starting to feel all sentimental and baby-pangish what with M cutting 2 teeth in the last week.  He is growing up so much faster than N or G did.  And he's squealing for crying out loud.

3. I have got to get some pics of me nursing M.  With N, I had a zillion pics of her suckling.  With G, a few.  With M, none so far...well, maybe one from when he was first born.  I am trying to remember all the sweetness of him nursing.  Like how as he's nursing, he rubs his forehead with his hand, as if he is rubbing away all the stress of life as he gets his milk and comfort.  And that milk-drunk look, with the milk dribble running down his chin and his body utterly limp.

4. Tonight G zinged D at supper.  When I was doing something to help G, D started to say something to me.  G said, "We talkin," and shot his daddy a serious look.  D didn't get why I thought this was so funny until I mentioned that D is the one who shoots a serious look and says, "We're talking here," whenever N or G interrupt me and D while we are attempting a conversation at dinner.

5. I am starting to do some writing for a local magazine.  No, I don't have much time, but it makes me feel like I'm using my brain.  Which is unusual.  And nice.

6. N is having her 6-year-old birthday at My Gym.  We started filling out the invitations tonight.  She is biting at the bit, and even though we aren't doing it at home, I still somehow have a mountain of shit to do related to her birthday. I guess because she gets to take a treat into school too.

Alright, that's all for now.  I really need to go to bed.  Those darn teeth made M sleep like crap last night.  And therefore mommy slept like crap as well.

Raising children--Part 2

I think in teaching, just as in parenting, a big part of being in any way effective is picking your battles.  And I try to do that.  There are some things I am simply not going to make an issue of.  Like what my kids wear out in public.  As long as their genitalia is covered, nothing raunchy is written on their clothing, and it is all relatively clean, I really don't care if things match.

And as I mentioned in my last post, there are issues that I am definitely going to battle over, such as if the kids are disrespectful.

But then there are the issues where I'm stuck in the middle---they bug me enough that I feel like I should make them an issue, but I have my reasons for not.  And I go back and forth over what to do, what to do.

One of these issues is mealtime.

Every evening N does this Mexican-jumping bean routine during dinner.  She cannot sit still.  She is up and down, on her knees, sitting on the arm of the chair, bouncing around in the chair.  Putzing around to the point that everyone else is done, while she still sits at the table, only occasionally taking a nibble of food.

I find that I am constantly saying, "N, please EAT!!!"  or "SIT DOWN!!"  It drives me nuts.  I have tried using a timer.  I have tried removing her food when D is done with dishes and saying, "The kitchen is closed."

But I always seem to waiver, and here is why.  First, I think to myself that she has to sit and be still and attentive and focused all day at school, so maybe she really does have a hard time sitting still at home and needs to be able to wiggle if she needs to.  Secondly, although I know she won't starve, I just have a difficult time taking food away from a child when she says she is not finished.  Thirdly, she often saves her healthiest food for last, so in order to get her to eat her carrots or grapes (which is very important to me), I find I have to let her dinner continue and continue.

So my inconsistency is a big part of this problem.

Bedtime is another "problem" area for me, primarily because, again, N putzes around with getting on her pajamas, brushing her teeth, and getting into bed.  I feel like I am constantly harping on her.  And I don't want to "punish" her by reading fewer books because reading before bed is a priority to me (importance of reading books in general and having special, quiet time with my kids).  But I keep thinking there has got to be something I can do to motivate her to get ready more efficiently.

So if anyone has any suggestions for mealtime and bedtime, I am open to advice.  Because that is another way teaching/raising children are similar:  you talk to other experienced teachers/parents for ideas on making the bumps more smooth.

Teaching middle schoolers and raising children--Part 1

My friend K and I have begun an online discussion of sorts about discipline.  She and I were both middle school teachers prior to being stay-at-home moms, and I think both of our experiences in the classroom have informed how we raise our kids.

I think I was a very good teacher considering I only did it four years.  My first year was a challenge, as it is for everyone, but I managed to develop an excellent relationship with my students overall.  Part of that was because I read and re-read Harry Wong's The First Days of School.  Whenever I get back to the classroom, it will be one of the first books I turn to as a refresher.

Wong stressed the importance of having a few rules (three to five) and many procedures and routines so kids knew exactly what was expected and exactly how to do it.  He stressed how critical it is to have high and positive expectations for students.  He stressed how critical it is to develop relationships with students.  Reading K's blog about discipline and relating it to her experience as a teacher had me up last night thinking about Wong's book and how I used its teachings in the classroom.

Although I never really considered it until now, I think I try to run my home the way I did my classroom.  In general, I have very few rules.  Probably the biggest rule I stress to my kids is to be respectful of self and others.  I will not tolerate disrespect (sassiness, eye-rolling, hitting, etc).  That doesn't mean my kids aren't disrespectful; it just means there are serious consequences when they behave inappropriately.

And I really try to keep our routines.  On school days, there is no tv before school for anyone (since it is distracting and keeps everyone from moving along with the day).  When N comes home from school at 4:40, she and G can have a snack but nothing after 5:00.  She can watch tv until D comes home at 6:15. but then the tv is off for the night.  We begin bedtime routine between 7:00-7:30---getting into pajamas, brushing teeth and reading books before bed.

I try to lay out my expectations prior to doing something with the kids, such as telling them in the parking lot that we are going to get the 5 things on my list, they must hold onto the grocery cart as we walk through the store (can't run ahead), and if they behave only then will we look at toys for 10 minutes.

I try to use logical consequences for their behavior, although this is sometimes difficult.  When N is sassy and uses a disrespectful tone, she cannot be around me or the family until she is able to speak appropriately.  If G throws a toy, it is taken away until he can play with it without throwing it.   I find that I often have to peruse another favorite book of mine, Love & Logic-Magic, for help on setting logical consequences for the kids' behaviors.

When I was a teacher, I had very few discipline problems because students knew I cared about them and wanted them to learn.  If they had gum, I wasn't going to make a big stink.  I'd just quietly ask them to ditch it.  If they forgot a pencil, I'd give them one or have them ask a friend.  If they paid attention and tried their best, they had my utmost respect, patience and encouragement.  There were many students who were royal shits for other teachers on my team, but who came into my classroom and did exactly what I asked of them.

I hope some of that is what happens in my home with my children.  Of course, it is a different story when it is your own children---different emotions, stronger bonds.  Plus, I am with my same kids all day and all night long, even on weekends, even during the summer, so I am not always at my best.  But I think my children feel loved and respected, and their behavior mostly shows that.