Contemplating

I won't go into the gory details, but by last night I was worried that D was going to leave me and the kids, which resulted in me designing my plan for sole custody and the world's biggest alimony and child support lawsuit known to man.

This weekend sucked major ass, to say the least.

I always think that everyone else's marriages don't have tremors like ours does, but I have to believe they do.  No one wants to come clean about it, though.

Like those magazine surveys about sex.  I'm sorry, but those people L.I.E.

Which is why it made me feel so much better today when a mommy friend mentioned that she sometimes has a fantasy during her and her husband's marital meltdowns of where she will live as a single mom with her kids when she divorces her husband.

And it made me think back to mine and D's first major argument as a married couple, which took place toward the end of our honeymoon when both of us said maybe we shouldn't have even gotten married.  Or shouldn't stay married.

I don't think that very often, which is a good thing, but it scares the daylights out of me on those rare occasions when I do contemplate the alternative.

I doan yike it

This is G's new favorite phrase, and I think I am going to adopt it as my new motto for all things related to my life at the moment.

I doan yike all this illness.  G was much better today than yesterday, but he fought his nap (which is either related to his illness or a new toddler phase) and still had numerous "I wan sit in momyap" (I want to sit in Mommy's lap) clingy moments.  Today would have rated as outstanding if I wasn't so darn wiped out emotionally from caring for sick kids for weeks and weeks and weeks.

I doan yike this cold and snow.  It will be great once the kids are all older and able to get out in it together.  But with G sickly and M a baby, it makes it quite difficult to get N outside, and she is biting at the fucking bit to get outside at least 40 times a day.  We managed 3 yesterday (with Nana and Pa's help) and 3 times today with Mommy or Daddy.

I doan yike it when M has a bad night, which he had last night.  I felt like a damn yo-yo.  Up and down with him.  He must be going through a growth spurt because he is nursing, nursing, nursing.  But, my god, he will be the size of a 3-year-old within a month if he keeps this up.  He is honking huge.  I wish I could give some of his chunkiness to his brother.

I doan yike feeling so blah.  Being stuck inside, sickness, cold, snow, little sunlight.

Heaven help me make it through the next 2 months.

Doctor visit....and a sigh

G has lost almost 2 lbs since the end of September.  He weighed in at 27.5 lbs today.  I explained the whole ordeal of the last 2+ weeks, with the Christmas RSV and H1N1 shot, to the doctor.  And I flat out told her I have anxiety and was freaking out that G has cancer or something worse than just a virus.  

The initial strep test came back negative, although the doctor said it could still show up in the 24- and 48-hour rechecks of the swab.  And his CBC came back mostly normal....nothing that would suggest cancer, only a virus or small infection.  So I was reassured by that although I won't stop fretting until G is acting well and has gained back some weight.  

It is very likely that he has a sinus infection since he is soooo congested and his throat is red.  

And she said to give him Pediasure or anything that he will eat that will put extra calories on him.  So we are now on the "Plump G Up Program."  

My mom came over today so I could take G to the doctor, and then she stayed most of the day.  It is sad when a 36-year-old has to have her 72-year-old mother "babysit" her, but given all the illness and my rampant anxiety of late, I just need my momma around to provide me company and help me manage the sick one (G), the baby (M), and the high maintenance female (N).  

I guess I can't fault G too much for wanting to cling to me because I want to cling to my momma when the chips are down.  

Cancer anxiety and my kids

Tonight G's fever spiked to 104.  He was miserable.  I gave him a bath thinking it might make him feel better.

I know he's a thin little boy, but I guess because of him being sick I noticed just how skinny he has become.  His shoulders are boney, and I can see all his ribs.  He doesn't eat much at all, and being sick off and on since October certainly doesn't help his appetite.  I know that he is not unlike many toddlers who eat crackers and.....crackers.

Unfortunately, my brain immediately jumped to "childhood cancer" as the culprit of the fever, even though with the runny nose my rational self (which doesn't stand a chance in this fight with my anxiety self) feels like it is likely that the RSV has become a sinus infection.

But all this sickness has clearly taken its toll on my mental faculties if I move so quickly to the "cancer" diagnosis.  I am in "pre-medication" territory here.....this is what I used to do all the time before I was on my AD.  Except I used to worry that I had cancer.  Now it is my boy.

I'm taking him to the pediatrician tomorrow.  And I'm going to ask for a CBC and a weight check.  Because that is the price I have to pay to make my anxiety (hopefully) go away.

Differences in torture tactics

Do you know what the difference is in torture tactics used by insurgents/military and those used by my two sons?

With the insurgents, you are worried that they are gonna kill you.

With my sons, I am worried that I am gonna kill them.  Particularly the toddler.  

Yes, today was one of those miserable days.  And it is not yet 3:00 pm, so I still have quite a ways to go.

As I mentioned, M had officially diagnosed RSV, and G had unofficial RSV.  G ran a fever only on Christmas Day, and his congestion and cough have been getting better.  No worse than a minor cold.  M ran a slight fever a couple days after Christmas and was very congested, but he has been back to excellent nursing for days and seems ok.  

So with everyone seemingly on the mend on Tuesday I took N and G to one of the free H1N1 clinics to get their boosters.  God knows we have had more than our fair share of illness this fall/winter, and I didn't want to chance the piggy flu on top of everything else.  

Of course, Tuesday evening, G started running a low-grade fever.  He ran it yesterday and has been battling a runny nose again and being even more whiney about "Tuffy Nose!!!!" than he usually is.  (Yesterday I called the H1N1 Hotline, and was told it is most likely in response to the shot, but if he's still running a fever on Friday to take him into the pediatrician.) 

Today has been a nonstop fuss-fest by G. A constant whine to "Wipe It" (his nose).  I put him down for his nap early, at 12:30, and he was awake and crying by 1:39.  No fever, but a drippy nose.  He is back up in bed now, hopefully to sleep for a good long time, because when I brought him down he just fussed and cried and screamed, wanting me to hold him, hold his cars, wipe his nose."  And I had M to deal with too.  Although he isn't sickly, he is a baby so holding, nursing, and some cooing is required to keep him somewhat happy and content.  

Plus, we have had snow dumped on us and it is below freezing, so there is to be no getting outside or out anywhere.  Again.  

So G has nothing, absolutely nothing, to distract him from the clear snot running out of his nose like a breach in a dam.

On top of it all,  in the back of my mind, I am worried that I have wreaked havoc on his poor immune system.  But we had had to wait almost 2 months since his first H1N1 shot.  And I don't know that I can take any more illnesses so soon.  Plus, everything I've read says a cold or minor illness is ok for getting the shot.  And with no fever and waning congestion, I figured we were in the minor illness category.  

There doesn't seem to be much of a difference between my home and Abu Ghraib at the moment.  

A day in the life

One thing I am learning about having 3 kids is the rhythm of the day.  We can have hours and hours of peace and calmness, but when the chaos hits, it hits hard and long.  And it totally wipes my ass out.

Another thing I'm learning is that Mommy Guilt doesn't ease up.  Ever.

The morning and early afternoon were really good.  I cleaned 2 bathrooms and G's closet.  I fed everyone, was able to keep up with everyone's butts and noses, and played a little bit with N in the afternoon.  G and N mostly played well while I was cleaning, and M took a longer than normal morning nap.

But then came 4:30, which is Child Crazy Time.  I don't know why, but both my kids go ape-shit at 4:30, and they don't settle down until about 4 minutes before they fall asleep.

G and M were fussy, fussy, fussy.  G kept hitting N and had to be put multiple times into the playpen.  M wouldn't settle down since he took a 20-second-long afternoon nap so he was ballistic during dinner preparation (which I had intended to do earlier in the afternoon but got side-tracked).  I did manage to get both G and N to help me make the fruit salad for dinner.

But then after supper I was trying to do something related to our new health insurance, and both the kids were on me like white on rice.   My patience had had it.  I ended up screaming at G because he would not leave me alone, which means I have been suffering unbearable guilt ever since.

I hate it when I lose it with the kids but it gets tiring having 10 straight hours of "I want this" and "Mommy, Mommy, Mommy!"  Not being able to get out for weeks doesn't help with it being too cold to even walk to the mailbox, and everyone being snotty to boot.

On days like this I try to think of the good mommy things I did, like playing with N, like reading to G, like meeting all their basic needs (diapers clean, fed, dressed), like reading books with them on the couch after supper (and the screaming fit), like reading to them before bedtime.

But it never makes up for the yelling.  Or the frustration at them for just being kids.

The drudgery of a new year

So D may have caught N's strep throat.  Starting off the new year on the exact wrong foot but who is surprised?  I'm not happy about it, but I am certainly used to this whole sickness thang at this point.

Still, I am really feeling the January blues.  The drudgery that comes with this month is what, in the past, has made me eager to plan a vacation.  Have something in the works.  Something to look forward to.  Post-holidays are such a letdown.  Being in the house with the kids due to the cold weather (usually) and now RSV is tedious.  Today I had to go to Target for an hour.  Had. to.  Just to get away from them and the house.

Since we aren't doing a big vacation this year that means I need to find something to occupy my head while me and the kids wait out the cold weather until March.

I had a guy from a flooring place come out this past week to give me an estimate of installing hardwood on the main level of our home.  There is pre-finished hardwood in the foyer, hallway and powder room.  We want to extend it into the kitchen, dining room and family room.  I have no idea how much this is gonna cost but I'm hoping in the $3,000 range, although I am fairly certain I'm low-balling it.

With all the sickness, the DVDs I had purchased to get us through the winter only got us through Christmas break, so I ordered some more--the two Toy Story movies and Finding Nemo.  And I reorganized our Netflix queue.


And I have begun collecting baby clothing, maternity clothing and toys the kids never play with for the upcoming Spring/Summer consignment sales.

My anxiety upon getting so much new stuff at Christmas has me feeling antsy to purge kid items, which makes me sad.  I really don't want to rush this time away, but the clutter is sometimes more than I can stand.

And the clutter isn't just toys or clothes.  It is the clutter of children jabbering, needing me, wanting something from me at all hours.  It is because of the cold.  And the break from school.  And the sickness.  Sometimes I think the drudgery is because I have lost the essence of myself.  I know I am there, but there is just a mountain of stuff to get through before I can get to me.